- Sinister - missprint.org

Sinister: The Monday Poem(s)
by poetry place2 02 Mar '98

02 Mar '98

Huzzah! After a lovely weekend spent legging around Hammersmith after Dreamy Kitchen in a vain attempt to give him the bumps and wandering along the Thames with Tag and Susannah, Monday mornings are almost bearable... On the subject of the Tormentor, I think that her idea for an agony column is a winner. As are Mystic Tag's horoscopes. I think we should have more regular features on the list... How about a weekly recipe for the epicurean amongst us? We could start off with Pasties de la Bourgeoisie*, Bars (or Biscuits) of Track and Field, 3,6,9 portions of cake.... and so on. Who'll give it a go? This week there are *two* poems for your delight. I had chosen a poem by Selima Hill, but then the lovely Anne of Glasgow pointed me in the direction of Glen Ashley Johnson, and I just couldn't decide between them... (* copyright susannah) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Selima Hill is one of the funniest and strangest poets writing in Britain today. She has several excellent volumes available from those charming people at Bloodaxe Books. The poem I've chosen is from her last collection, Violet, which was nominated for pretty much every prize last year... Selima Hill Please Can I Have a Man Please can I have a man who wears corduroy. Please can I have a man who knows the names of 100 different roses; who doesn't mind my absent-minded rabbits wandering in and out as if they own the place, who makes me creamy curries from fresh lemon-grass, who walks like Belmondo in A Bout de Souffle; who sticks all my carefully-selected postcards - sent from exotic cities he doesn't expect to come with me to, but would if I asked, which I will do - with nobody else's, up on his bedroom wall, starting with Ivy, the Famous Diving Pig, whose picture, in action, I bought ten copies of; who talks like Belmondo too, with lips as smooth and tightly-packed as chocolate-coated (melting chocolate) peony buds; who knows that piling himself stubbornly on top of me like a duvet stuffed with library books and shopping bags is all too easy: please can I have a man who is not prepared to do that. Who is not prepared to say I'm 'pretty' either. Who, when I come trotting in from the bathroom like a squealing freshly-scrubbed piglet that likes nothing better than a binge of being affectionate and undisciplined and uncomplicated, opens his arms like a trough for me to dive into. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Glen Ashley Johnson has, as far as I know published one book, Angel Kagoule (Carphology Collective). It includes a poem about the erstwhile Go-Between Robert Vickers and several cool stories about growing up absurd.... Glen Ashley Johnson pour moi? I steal a foot mirror from a shoe shop in the city when the assistant has gone in the backroom for some eights. I place the mirror beside the shoerack to the left of the back door. The cat walks in and squeals excitedly, "pour moi?" "no... pour moi," I point to the centre of my fine chest. The cat, understandably sulks for a few days, doesn't get excited at dinnertime, won't leave the windowsills on sunny afternoons, pisses upstairs - stuff like that... One day I come home early and find the cat with one of my boots on his head admiring himself in the mirror. He hangs his head and I pity him. "It's okay," I say " go ahead... it's not as if I bought it or anything..." Within a week he is rich, having sold the entire contents of my shoerack to the neighbourhood's many balding toms. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Stephen xxxxxx the poetry society website: http://www.poetrysoc.com ----------------------------------------------------------------------- . This message was brought to you by the Sinister mailing list. . To send to the list please mail "sinister(a)majordomo.net". . For subscribing, unsubscribing and other list information please see . http://www.majordomo.net/sinister . For questions about how the list works mail owner-sinister(a)majordomo.net . We're all happy bunnies humming happy bunny tunes. Aren't we? -----------------------------------------------------------------------

1 0

Sinister: yeah? what?
by Sarah 02 Mar '98

02 Mar '98

Lizzie mentioned Road Dahll well, may i just point out that this guy is NOT As INNOCNET AS WE ALL BELIEVE! in the Oxfam shop in Preston, theres 2 copies of a book called 'Switch Bitch' by ROAD DAHL! and you can guess as to their content can't you!!! Oxfam too....dearie me...then again i didbuy a TOM JONES! boigrapghy there. TOM JONES IS pLAYING IN BLACKPOOOL! WOOOOOOO! doh. and as for the picnic, i will have to know the dte b4 i know if i can go or not cos it must be during me college hols and i mist not be dead or anything....doh i dunno oh just duhg[iaotnro]ugn]! can we have them dinky little sausage rooll thingies? and the Thingies which are crisps of course, mmmm, i loooove thingies....mmm. and beef space raieders even tho the shopdon't do them anymore. ooh dear i can hear my parents and tey are drunk. *sigh* at least i get drunk in silence when in my house....tut tut.... Northys poem, funny as it was, was very very silly. well, he will be 1st up against the wall come the revolutions DIE SCUM DiE! sorry my parent are telling me to get off the pooter even though i haven't been able to typre all weekend AND ITS A SUNDAY!!!! AAAAAAAH! doh i am very sorry. i shouldn't post this ut i will just fr the fuck of it and i think i must say that - all th people on Sinister are the NICEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!! i love you all even though i dont' really know any of you but who cares - whats love anyway? (i dunno, but if you visited my websote and signed me guestbook that'd be an ace way 'o' showin' it :)) I'M GOING NOW BYE!!!!!! Sarah starryone! Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100 percent mortality rate. any questions? Yes, whats a bollard??? ********************************* * FEATHER BOAS & NAPALM ZINE * * C'MON! PUNCH THE AIR! * * One Pound and A5 SAE * * 9 Westfield Drive, Warton * * Preston, Lancs * * PR4 1ED * ********************************* ----------------------------------------------------------------------- . This message was brought to you by the Sinister mailing list. . To send to the list please mail "sinister(a)majordomo.net". . For subscribing, unsubscribing and other list information please see . http://www.majordomo.net/sinister . For questions about how the list works mail owner-sinister(a)majordomo.net . We're all happy bunnies humming happy bunny tunes. Aren't we? -----------------------------------------------------------------------

2 1

re: Sinister: doctor doctor I think i'm in belle and Sebastian
by mctag＠mcmail.com 02 Mar '98

02 Mar '98

Susannah wrote: >However on second thoughts I conceded that he would probably think it a >piss-take so have nobly taken the burden of responsibility upon mysellf and will >be running a weekly agony slot. Please mail me with your problems, the more >intimate and medical the better, and I will endeavor to provide an appropriate >answer in my weekly column. Anything really personal I will of course treat in >the strictest confidence, although I'll mail them immediately to Tag so he can >have a laugh too. Susannah, can I just say what a pleasure it was to you see your slot first thing this morning? And I look forward to seeing any other titbits you may care to show me in the future. Love, Tag xx ----------------------------------------------------------------------- . This message was brought to you by the Sinister mailing list. . To send to the list please mail "sinister(a)majordomo.net". . For subscribing, unsubscribing and other list information please see . http://www.majordomo.net/sinister . For questions about how the list works mail owner-sinister(a)majordomo.net . We're all happy bunnies humming happy bunny tunes. Aren't we? -----------------------------------------------------------------------

1 0

Sinister: picnic sites
by John Jackson 02 Mar '98

02 Mar '98

this one goes out to the Chorlton Posse... i nominate Chorlton Green for the northwest picnic site. and if there is anyone in the northeast area...northumberland in particular i nominate that little cricket green that lies between the north sea and bamburgh castle. how does that sound? okay. for this picnic i shall be bringing my special trifle with that thin layer of water between the custard and the jelly (jell-o for all my fellow americans) and another thin layer of water between the custard and the whipped cream. ah well...life is grand even though my boyfriend has gone away and left me all alone in thie big (ha) flat for three days with nothing but £10 in assorted change and a large selection of cd's that i shall try and have a voyage through. this is the most i have posted in ages. *i love you all* Rachel. xxx ----------------------------------------------------------------------- . This message was brought to you by the Sinister mailing list. . To send to the list please mail "sinister(a)majordomo.net". . For subscribing, unsubscribing and other list information please see . http://www.majordomo.net/sinister . For questions about how the list works mail owner-sinister(a)majordomo.net . We're all happy bunnies humming happy bunny tunes. Aren't we? -----------------------------------------------------------------------

1 0

Sinister: Seeing Other People.
by Adrian Evans 02 Mar '98

02 Mar '98

Greetings all. God. What a joy to be back. What a wonderful weeks leave. Been here 2 and a half hours and done nowt but catch up on my e-mails. >John Wigham wrote : >Anyone in the Newcastle area fancy going into Marks and Spencers and >turning some tables round, and seeing if they seem to mind or not? I was in M&S in Exeter on thursday pm. Have you noticed that there is always more men than women in the lingerie sec......oh gord what have I done, my wife's gonna kill me !!! >Various wrote : >> I shall make some of my mother's celebrated Anzac cookies for the day. >> And bring my frisbee. > >I shall bring chocolate Rice Crispie thingies and lots of sweets of the >acidic and delicious variety. B&S picnic menu! Let's go! I'll bring the Cough Candy Twist and Ginger Beer, then next time we all visit our respective dentists, we should all get pissed and bifta'd right up beforehand, and when the receptionist says, "Your name ?", we all reply..."shhhsssssblahshhha...Shhhhane McGowan". maybe not then. >Stuart Gargantuam Gardiner wrote : >Didn't we all... I reckon you can judge someone's age by which Blue Peter >presenter you fancied as a kid. Sarah Greene? Janet Ellis? Karen Keating? >But there is a far more important question to be answered; Betty or Wilma? You shit !!! Make it blatantly obvious that some of us are clearly so much bloody older than the majority. Well, It was always Peter Pervert that did it for me !! And Percy Thrower always sent me over all funny. Oh, and on the basis I pulled a red-head on Saturday (not the best cure for insomnia), it's got to be Wilma. Humdrumbumbalum. -- Adrian. Pity would be no more If we did not make somebody poor And mercy no more could be If all were happy as we. William Blake. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- . This message was brought to you by the Sinister mailing list. . To send to the list please mail "sinister(a)majordomo.net". . For subscribing, unsubscribing and other list information please see . http://www.majordomo.net/sinister . For questions about how the list works mail owner-sinister(a)majordomo.net . We're all happy bunnies humming happy bunny tunes. Aren't we? -----------------------------------------------------------------------

1 0

Sinister: Tune all your voices and instruments play
by ELIZABETH DAPLYN 02 Mar '98

02 Mar '98

> Subject: Sinister: Come come ye sons of Art (and daughters) > Sinister Picnics: this is a fabulous idea, even if I will propbably have to skive off college to go. Where would the London one be held? Where were those ones which the David/Katrina unit used to go to? > I think when we do have the first picnic they should occur all over > the > world; wherever 2 or more sinisterenes are gathered together. We could > then arrange for Elton John (or even better - Sonia) to sing a medly > of > his/her hits in perhaps London and then jet off to the USA - live-aid > style. > Definitely. Perhaps we could get Sonia to do some B&S covers. "You're Just A Baby" would seem appropriate. > I shall make some of my mother's celebrated Anzac cookies for the day. > And bring my frisbee. > I shall bring chocolate Rice Crispie thingies and lots of sweets of the acidic and delicious variety. B&S picnic menu! Let's go! And now for something completely different: "Children's" authors I still love: Diana Wynne Jones: real people in *kiddy* literature! Whatever next! T.H. White: anyone who's read Mistress Masham's Repose or The Sword In The Stone (not just a Disney cartoon, surprisingly) will understand. Joan Aiken: Dido Twite is simply the coolest girl ever. Roald Dahl: he's still great, despite being dead. Enough rambling already. ByeBye, Liz. (edaplynr3n00297(a)kiadroch.kiad.ac.uk) *********************************************************** Love without hope, as when the young bird-catcher Swept off his tall hat to the Squire's own daughter, So let the imprisoned larks escape and fly Singing about her head, as she rode by. Robert Graves *********************************************************** ----------------------------------------------------------------------- . This message was brought to you by the Sinister mailing list. . To send to the list please mail "sinister(a)majordomo.net". . For subscribing, unsubscribing and other list information please see . http://www.majordomo.net/sinister . For questions about how the list works mail owner-sinister(a)majordomo.net . We're all happy bunnies humming happy bunny tunes. Aren't we? -----------------------------------------------------------------------

3 2

Sinister: QUIZ!
by Andrewnic 02 Mar '98

02 Mar '98

For all you religion fans out there! An ecumenical matter. Now that Dermott "Jovial Irish Religion-depricating comedian, fine comic actor in Channel Four's hilarious award-winning religious comedy series Father Ted, and one trick pony" Morgan is dead, will he go to heaven? Andy "Ghandi" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- . This message was brought to you by the Sinister mailing list. . To send to the list please mail "sinister(a)majordomo.net". . For subscribing, unsubscribing and other list information please see . http://www.majordomo.net/sinister . For questions about how the list works mail owner-sinister(a)majordomo.net . We're all happy bunnies humming happy bunny tunes. Aren't we? -----------------------------------------------------------------------

1 0

Sinister: Where D'you Go?
by Andrewnic 02 Mar '98

02 Mar '98

The following tale contains a slight B&S reference, but is mostly self- indulgent toss. The Andrew - Kim Challenge Cup. Quarter Final. First Leg. Of late, I've been getting on famously with a pretty young lass who is an undergrad working part-time in our A/V department. We've been out a few times with other people from the office, but we went out together for the first time on Saturday. After pubbin' and clubbin' her (as in dancing in a dark room, not going neanderthal-style with a blunt instrument - although that was Plan B) I decided to treat her to a keeebab from Edinburgh's premiere keeebab retailer (Who says I'm not a laydeez man? 1 - nil). We were walking along Melville Drive (well staggering more than walking. With a bit of lurching, too) when it started snowing. The Meadows were already coated with a light dusting of powder snow. We had just reached the first walkway. Then it happened. Peering through the night sky, full of large flakes of snow, I saw it. A fox! In the snow! Through my drunken haze, I decided a few appropriate words would be in order. "A fox... In... IN THE BLARDY SNOW!", I cried (in my best Michael Caine voice. 2 - nil. Not everybody gets my Michael Caine on a first date). This innocent statement had two Surprising Effects. 1. My Laydee Friend. Eyes wide. Mouth Open. Full of 'bab. (2 - 1. Amazing) 2. The Fox. First, there was fear. Similar facial expression to laydee friend. As if it had just heard the hunting horn echoing across the hills. The hoofbeat of the cantering horses. The barks and howls of the nearing pack of hounds. Then, there was something else, something unexpected. Speed. And lot's of it. The fox turned and pegged it faster than I have ever seen a creature move before. What followed was exactly like a scene out of Disney's loveable animated feature "The Fox and the Hound". Except entirely different. And with the word "Fuck" in it. The furry orange fiend flew across the walkway, right in front of a girl on her bicycle. (This is where the rude word comes in, so avert your eyes if you are easily offended). "WHAT THE FUCK!!!", the girl exclaimed, whilst applying the brakes. This had an entirely unsurprising effect. The bike turned, leaned and continued it's journey on it's side. Without the girl. Meanwhile, the fox was half way to George Square. The commotion had by this time attracted the attention of a patrolling police car. As I was helping the poor girl (who was uninjured, but shaken. No, not shaken... what's the word? Angry. Yep. Angry.) to her feet, we were joined by PC Lester and WPC Minto. We were then subjected to a harsh interrogation. Okay, not an interrogation. A conversation. But it was harsh. Well, the weather was harsh. WPC MINTO: What happened? ANDREW (Our hero): A fox. WPC MINTO: A fox? ANDREW: A fox... happened. A blardy fox. KIM (Laydee friend): It ran out. In front of the bike. Dead fast. WPC MINTO: Where did it come from? ANDREW: Dunno. Something must've startled it. KIM: Like a car. Or something. (2 All. Nice penalty save) PC LESTER: Did you see it? ANDREW: What? PC LESTER: The fox running across the road? ANDREW: Dunno. I was eating me 'bab. Want some? Anyway, to cut a long story too long, we were cleared of any involvement in the incident. But the fox is wanted in five countries on two continents. For standing on clear mints. As for me, all went well (as if you care). Was a complete gentleman - walked her home. Got a snog in the stairwell (a double entendre in there, surely). We went to the cinema on Sunday. Result: Panel decision. Away win. Looking forward to the return leg. It may be against our better judgement, but we're going to the zoo. Andrew (with thanks to Kim for filling in the blanks) PS. Sorry 'bout the football references. Tried curling, but couldn't get away from the "In the house"/MC Hammer/Baggy trouser with huge crotch area references. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- . This message was brought to you by the Sinister mailing list. . To send to the list please mail "sinister(a)majordomo.net". . For subscribing, unsubscribing and other list information please see . http://www.majordomo.net/sinister . For questions about how the list works mail owner-sinister(a)majordomo.net . We're all happy bunnies humming happy bunny tunes. Aren't we? -----------------------------------------------------------------------

1 0

Sinister: Fox In The Snow
by Andrewnic 02 Mar '98

02 Mar '98

Mani on Never Mind the Buzzcocks? What Next?!? John Squire on Countdown? Ian Brown on Gladiators? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- . This message was brought to you by the Sinister mailing list. . To send to the list please mail "sinister(a)majordomo.net". . For subscribing, unsubscribing and other list information please see . http://www.majordomo.net/sinister . For questions about how the list works mail owner-sinister(a)majordomo.net . We're all happy bunnies humming happy bunny tunes. Aren't we? -----------------------------------------------------------------------

1 0

Sinister: doctor doctor I think i'm in belle and sebastian.
by susannah 02 Mar '98

02 Mar '98

Dear tortured , sensitive Sinisterines I so look forward to the Monday poem, its the highlight of my dull week, and last week Tag's horoscope came as such a surprise I wet myself with glee. In view of these regular features I propose to instigate a Sinister problem page. Initially i thought of asking that upright pillar of society Mister Murdoch to become an agony uncle, as I'm sure he would be able to give me some adult guidance and steer me from behind. The problem I wanted to put to him was a simple one but it troubled me nonetheless: Dear Stu, I am experiencing a difficulty with my castanets and I have heard you are now a flamenco expert so maybe you can help? The problem is, I only have one and it won't clack. Can I clack it against yours? Yours hopefully, Susannah. However on second thoughts I conceded that he would probably think it a piss-take so have nobly taken the burden of responsibility upon mysellf and will be running a weekly agony slot. Please mail me with your problems, the more intimate and medical the better, and I will endeavor to provide an appropriate answer in my weekly column. Anything really personal I will of course treat in the strictest confidence, although I'll mail them immediately to Tag so he can have a laugh too. Susannah. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- . This message was brought to you by the Sinister mailing list. . To send to the list please mail "sinister(a)majordomo.net". . For subscribing, unsubscribing and other list information please see . http://www.majordomo.net/sinister . For questions about how the list works mail owner-sinister(a)majordomo.net . We're all happy bunnies humming happy bunny tunes. Aren't we? -----------------------------------------------------------------------

1 0