And I suppose this is the best part. Safe, secure, uncommitted, I could change my mind, but I wont, something is about to change. It is the best kind of day for a new beginning. Not too perfect. Why would anyone ever change anything if everything was perfect? Today is a day is definitely a day for a new beginning It is bright but with what could be the slight chill of wind and a slight greyness. I notice the weather a lot it is something you can rely on to be changeable. Other things well other things you have to look harder for change but often if you do you will find it. Yesterday for instance standing at a bus stop looking at the same old buildings. The shapes, the same colours, the same things I see everyday of my life just about. Not exactly the ideal place to look for change you might think? Well you would be wrong. I was staring at the wall of a block of flats I must have seen a million times before. Normally, though, I would see it as just that, a wall, but for some reason yesterday I saw the bricks. It was brilliant; they werent even shapes at all but sort of rounded and comforting. The colours varied so much from one to another I wondered how I could have gone all of this time just seeing the wall. All the same just like that my life changed I would never be able to stand at that bus stop and see the whole wall without the bricks. That all seems a long time ago now. And Im getting off the point here, sorry. I just got a bit carried away there. I have yet to tell you that the most important change that happened to me recently. It happened a few hours ago when I woke up. This morning the world disappeared leaving me wondering why. The quiet that surrounded me cushioned the blow because the idea that there was nothing left to fear would have scared me quite a bit. I've been lying here for an hour or so now and theres nowhere left to go. But its alright I have everything left to see. The emptiness that was normally inside of me was gone but somehow it now surrounded me... And instead of being on the outside looking in I was on the inside looking out. And surely thats not a normal thing to happen? But I have nobody to ask about this so maybe its just my perception of the situation. Everybody else seems to have disappeared along with the world. Maybe you will understand why this day is not completely perfect now and maybe you will understand why today is a good day for the start of this journey Now you will forgive me for making an assumption here. I may of course be completely wrong but I shouldnt think too many people have woken up to find this has happened to them. This being the case I should try to tell you what it feels like. Have you ever been in a room with a group of friends all talking and laughing but you felt completely alone? That is what happens to me. Not that it is a bad thing to happen. Its just that I often find myself in a little world of my own about a million miles away from other people. Sometimes I can be listening to a conversation smiling and nodding and maybe even laughing but Im not quite there Im somewhere else. And then I start thinking well if Im not here and other people arent aware of that then maybe they arent here either. And then when I start to think along those lines I cant help wonder how many million miles apart we all are.. It makes me feel very small and very alone. That feeling of being alone is just a fraction of what I felt this morning. It is nothing compared to waking up and realising that the world had got bored of my half-hearted participation. and decided to leave me. And seeing as I am alone I should finish these words now Let them float off and create a little bit of life for themselves. Maybe this will be the start of my new world or maybe this just the beginning of the journey The best part I suppose _________________________________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+