I started writing this in the afternoon. I'll probably finish it just before dawn, it takes me hours to write something, to make it look like what I feel. It was a wearily hot and sunny afternoon, like all the others before it in the last four months. Summer here is endless... I started writing : "In June 1999 I was eighteen, and breaking up for the first time" -and that's were I stopped. What I wanted to say is: It wasn't the kind of a break-up that's the-end-you-can-see-coming-but-avoid-until-there's-nothing-you-can-do, or one that comes after slowly falling out of love... It was an end I felt like I had to put after I discovered he was feeling bored, but it was a sudden discovery: he was slightly bored for a month, then quite obviously bored for a week and that's when I decided I should give up, although I can assure you I was pretty much in love. To that day, I still think that was all I could do. So, I remember lying on my bed in my parents house the first noon after the last night with him, staring at the wall and the light coming through the window, feeling brave but sad and also trapped in my life with nowhere to go, and amazed of how quickly it all happened... When I noticed that on the wall, it read "All Farewells Should Be Sudden". It's not a magical wall, I had written it, but that was twenty-two months before and seemed like it was in another lifetime, when I still went to school, had never been in love and actually liked the Verve. Also a lifetime when I scrambled things on my bedroom walls with coloured chalks. This one was brown. It's supposed to be a Verve single or something, which I have never seen or listened to, I had just seen the a photo of the cover inside the sleeve of Urban Hymns and liked the way it sounded and felt. I felt....I felt a million things at once...surprised...but mostly, I felt alive and thrilled...it didn't make me feel less sad -actually it made me feel more sad- but at the same time I felt full of strength, ready to get up and walk to the edge of the world if I had to.... I didn't have to, and that's probably the worst thing about it, all I could do was lie down until most of the excitement went away -most, but not all, there was a little part that stayed with me and helped me with my life from then on. I still have it. When I sat down to write this again, it was windy, there was a sweet naughty south wind which made everything seem better. It was a promise of things changing -mainly of autumn coming. I always get excited when seasons change. It's something else that makes me feel alive too. When I started this paragraph I went outside to see if it was still windy. And I found out it was raining! It's more of a shower actually, but it's uplifting nevertheless. It's even more of a change, and also it's magical. I live on the fourth floor and from the balcony I could see the street shining wet under the orange lights and the moon behind the clouds, which was orange too. If you have never stayed in a greek city you probably can't imagine how it feels, cause I think nowhere else buildings are that ugly or nights that sweet. Nowhere I have been to at least. I will continue something Will started. Your life might not be wonderful, but it should be filled with moments like these, with things that make you feel alive, or with songs that make you feel alive. Or at least it can be, believe me. I'm sorry, I can't come up with something better of a description than "feeling alive"...or, rather...my brother said the other day: "the forest whispers my name". You can insert whatever you want instead of forest, but I think it's a good for saying alive, thrilled, and feeling that you belong somewhere, even if it is in this insane world. As I wrote to someone the other day, I love the list, some days it gives me reasons to live for. It gives me moments like these. Like, reading that Richard -when he wasn't Richard but a random stranger- found a piece of paper under his bed which read "I want to be the hero of my own life". The poem Madeleine posted. Will's post, of course. Ken's last post, too. The "It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate, it takes strength to be gentle and kind" line repeated, and the stories about it. The quote James Glimmer ends his posts with. The way john john uses words. The way people use sinister related things in the case of a runaway thread story. Kirsten mentioned wanting to be somewhere else rather than where you are. I miss Scotland. Usually, I wish for Scotland rain, not just any rain. Because that's a place where I could have friends. Love,and keep the faith, Dimitra. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+