good morning candyland, who's sleepy? raise your hands... ooo! ooo! pick me! okay. i'll stop now. the other day at work, i was slapped in the face with such a reality. i cried. but the thing is is that i already knew this thing to be true, but alas, realized at the same time my denial. double slap. players: sara-sad girl accepting realities she is in denial about frances-wishy washy girl stuck in the middle, but choosing sides jill-mean girl who hates sara steve-jill's b.f. and sara's supervisor story in a nut sack: sara and frances are friends. jill and steve and frances are friends. sara and jill think each other are the b-word. steve busts sara's balls at work for no reason. steve and jill told frances sara was trying to use her. frances and jill and steve are the "cool kids" and sara is a pocket protector*. when frances and sara hang out, frances is nice. when they are all at work, frances ignores sara. sara started ignoring frances. jill told a manager that i tried to hit her with my car**....ect.... basically: stupid drama bullshit. *pocket protectors CAN be useful, just try it. **jill cut sara off. if sara had one of those hourglass necklaces in harry potter, she would have hit jill with her grandpa's car. to quote a wonderful friend of mine: "i'm going to kick you in the cunt if you don't stop being mean to sara. word up!" isn't that beautiful? WORD UP! i think that i finally realized that as much as i try to be "cool", it's just not going to happen unless i give in and act like an asshole. WHY! do i try to fit in a groove that i'm obviously not fit for!? i probably shouldn't have cried, but i hate that constant tug of not wanting to trust anyone anymore. than what would be the point of existing in this forsaken world if i couldn't have friends, right? i'm babbling, but i'm sad so i don't care. i was leaving campus yesterday afternoon listening to the good life in my headphones (the beaten path) while i walked on the grassy patches that make a pattern with the gum-marked cement walkways. walking on grass has become one of my most favorite things ever! i can't really explain that either, but try it. anyway, there were little youngin's on the grass, i think on some summer activities thing, playing red rover red rover. remember that shit? i failed p.e. in 2nd grade because i didn't want to play any of the races or games. competitiveness scares me! i faked stomach aches. got an f on the report card because i sat on the sidelines 5 days a week. i stopped and watched them a bit. there were older kids and younger kids playing together and the little tiny kids were so cute. swinging their arms and chanting send so-and-so over...well...there was this one girl. she yells, call for someone WEAK so we can win. who the fuck is that bitch going to turn out to be? i wanted to go pinch her damn ear because sure enough, they call the tiniest boy from the other team who gets fucking neck slammed and almost falls on his ass. yeah! whoo! the bitch screams. i can't really think of a way to put it all together, but somehow it does. i think. i'm okay with not being accepted. i used to take it personally, but fuck it. right? it's just when i feel...i don't think betrayed is the right word...um...abandoned...? maybe i should have a copy of a disclaimer with me at all times. "if i plan on acting like a friend, then i am a friend. if i don't like you, i will not go on under false pretenses. i'll simply leave you alone. i promise." please sign on the dotted line. right next to the X. the word of my emotion is disappointed. maybe? here's to not having any expectations, love sara p.s...i'm sorry i had to get all that out. p.p.s...on a happier note! when i checked my e-mail today, i had one of those e-mails that isn't spam, but somehow i don't know how i got it kind. anyway, this was the subject line: FORANOTHERDREAM, ENLARGE YOUR PENIS TODAY! GIVE YOUR WOMAN MORE PLEASURE! i'm NOT kidding. no. i don't have penis. now. if it had been: FORANOTHERDREAM, ENLARGE YOUR BREASTS TODAY! JUST FOR THE HECK OF WIDE-EYED SIDE GLANCES! i wouldn't have clicked to get off their wonderful e-mail list. ===== all the people'd stare as if we were both quite insane someday my name and his are going to be the same __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? 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