***** The month is February. The day is cold. Velocity Girl and Laura Llew are sitting in front of their fireplace in their frontroom sipping some hot strawberry tea, sighing. Suddenly, Velocity Girl screams Velocity Girl: Blimey! I just realized that Wednesday is Valentine's Day. My most hated day of the year. I can't stand this shameless commercialization of love! How much can a poor spinisterine take? Laura: What's the matter - don't you want to fall in Lovvvvvvveee? Don't you want to be swept off your feet by Mr. Perfect, wooed in romance - only to find yourself years later drowning in debt with a truckload of kids and only seconds of time a day to pen your soon to be bestselling memoirs, "The same phrase describes my breast and my marriage: Before the kids, they used to be such a cute couple"? Velocity Girl: *rolls eyes* Forget love, I'd rather fall into chocolate. Laura: You're not going to be getting any guys with that attitude, young lady. Nor with what you told that guy who hit on you the other day. "The sexual preference is 'no' and don't talk to my breasts either because you will not be meeting them." *giggles* Velocity Girl: Well, I just hate how each year they shove red hearts and chocolates in our faces all for the sake of making money, only they do it in the name of "love." Love my arse!! You know the quote "culture is the commodity that sells all the other"? Well, in this case, it should be "love is the commodity that sells all others" because it does! That pisses me off! We realize that but we don't have to have it rubbed in our faces like it is on bloody Valentine's Day! We should protest! That's what we should do! Enough with the love mongery that functions just like a dildo to true emotions!! Laura: Protest? As in dress in black, be bitter, chant women are from Venus and men are from hell, and then write anti-Valentine's Day rants because really that would be *such* a novel idea. Actually, this year I cant be too against it since I've fallen in love. Velocity Girl: *wrinkles nose* No silly! Those are all so passe.. Wait.. What did you say? You've fallen in love???? With who? You don't even talk to anyone with your nose always in a book! Laura: I've fallen for myself since no one else seems to be doing it. That way I don't have any competition. Plus, I can have an official reason to be self-involved just like couples are. Now when friends come to me with their petty problems I can say things such as, "Could you keep the wolverines who are tearing your limbs off one by one howling down. I'm trying to talk to my snookums." Velocity Girl: *raises an eyebrow* Ahem. Well, the only guy I want to get is that feathery god of love, cupid. He needs to pay! Laura: Aww, you're just jealous you're not the one piercing hearts, heh. Really, what could you possibly want with an underdressed, overweight guy, who has a penchant for throwing tainted arrows into people's hearts? I mean I thought the kid in my kindgergarten class who ate glue and ran with scissors but cupid sounds like something conjured up during the sixties. He can't do anything for us. Velocity Girl: Laura! Where is your imagination? You have no vision! I think we ought to kidnap cupid! Think of a Valentine's Day with no cupid! What would it be? All of those lovers will be left helpless without their cherubic mascot. There's no such thing as a Valentine's Day with no Cupid! Think of the chaos! *Vel's eyes are sparkling as she gets excited* There's only one way to ruin Valentine's Day and that's by getting cupid out of the way. I thought of bombing places, shoplifting, mocking all the couples in the street, but no - nothing else will do. Laura: Ok, kidnap cupid. I can't see as how he'd be too hard to catch being the fatboy he is. I mean, he has wings but he certainly can't get much altitude.. but how would we get close to him? I mean Psyche was his lover and she wasn't even allowed to look at him. You think single life is rough - imagine not being able to see your mate. Then again, with some of the guys I know that might not be such a bad thing... Velocity Girl: Ok, ok. We'll have to lure him here and then trap him. We must use something to bait him here. *Vel stands up and starts pacing the room as she bites her lip* I've got it!!! Laura, we can use ourselves as bait! Just think - we're two young girls in our prime but we have no lovers. We live alone and mock the idea of love all the time. What's better bait than that? We can send a letter to cupid saying we've given up on love, we believe that no one will ever love us, and all of the other sappy crap we always hear girls sobbing as they clutch their harlequinn romances and wonder where their soulmate is. He won't be able to resist! He'll have to live up to his name ... Laura: and when pudgy britches comes fluttering our way - we'll nab him! Velocity Girl: Exactly! We can throw him in our wet dark dungeon! I don't think he'll be in a mood to start mating people nor throw his arrows! We'll keep him there till the next day, the 15th and then release him. What do you think? The only setback here is that if we do that then we'll be cursed forever. No one will ever fall in love with us, cause simply - cupid will hate us. Laura: We have a dungeon? Velocity Girl: Yes! Let's do it! Grab a piece of paper, perfume it a bit with this cheap perfume this boy once bought for me - when was that? Oh yes, on Valentine's Day 2 years ago, like he had a cance and even if he did, he ruined it by sending me this perfume "Moonlight Magic"! Now is that a name for a perfume? Laura: If we send a letter which has been marinated in cheap perfume, all we are going to get in reply is a suggestion not to smell like a cheap whore. Call girls make so much more money anyway.. Velocity Girl: Oh ok. Grab a pen. Now, write. Your handwriting is better than mine. Laura: Ya know, that's what I like about our friendship. We might disagree over whether we should sell cupid to the underground white slave market or sentence him to a dank dungeon, but we never have big arguments. *sighs* Ok, I'll start. "Dear Fluffy Bottom" Veocity Girl: Ahem Laura: *Crumples up the paper* *Vel starts walking across the room again as she dictates* Our Dearest Cupid, We guess you must be really busy at this time of the year, but we are desperate! Laura: *to herself* Desperate? Maybe I should get that perfume... Velocity Girl: *continuing* We hate to disturb you, but you are our last and only home, you might God of Love! We are just two girls in our prime and for some reason we are single. Why is that? Are we cursed? Shall we ever find true love? Who's going to send us cards, flowers, and chocolates on Valentines Day? We usually send cards to each other, that's how tragic our situation is. Therefore, we found the courage to write to you and invite you over for cake and strawverry tea. You are the only one who can deal with our problem. With faith in you, Velocity Girl & Laura Llew Velocity Girl: So, what do you think? Will he buy it? Laura: It mentions cake- like he could resist! Velocity Girl: Then I shall post it right away......... **** The next day someone knocked on the spinisterine's door. It was none other than that feathery fatboy of love, cupid! He was donned in a trenchcoat to hide his wings and feathers. Not that that would have seemed odd since he was holding a vacuum cleaner. Vel and Laura quickly invited him and led him into the frontroom where he was served generous portions of spiked strawberry tea and yummy chocolate cake. After a while, cupid started to feel sleepy - whether it was due to the drugged tea or that he had just asked about their sex life in the past five years - is unknown. He was wrapped in a blanket and thrown (dragged rather. Vel & Laura are kind of wimpy) into their dungeon. Then, the girls took their books and went to their bedrooms. After a while, they heard someone screaming from downstairs. They dashed down the stairs to hear Cupid cursing in an unknown language. Laura suggested he get a new job as a Taxi Driver but it was not well received. The next day was Valentine's Day. As they looked out on to the street from their porch they see pure chaos. Brides running away screaming from their weddings, flower shops with their shudders drawn and doors locked, and news spreads that all of Micheal Bolton's hair has fallen out as punishment all of the rancid love songs he has dumped on the poor masses for years. *Velocity Girl and Laura look at each other and smile.* Laura: So, Vel, tell me more about this dungeon of ours? **** Roses are Red, Blood is too. Beware of the thorns - Love, Vel & Llew. +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +--------+ Brought to you by Spinister Sinister +--------+ The strawberry tea drinking, mad crocheting single girls who spread ramblings, good will, literary lists, and afghans to the masses." +-+ "Dubious Duo of Duende Dowagers" "Curious Couple of Cuties" +-+ +-+ "Paramount Pair of Paradisical Paradox" +-+ +-+ "Spinisterines are a bit chicky." - Gleek the Space Monkey +-+ +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ _________________________________________________________________ Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. 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