it seems to be that i last wrote in august. i feel awful, almost as awful as when i forgot to write to my friend in mongolia to tell her that i had in fact graduated, visited europe, and found myself a job and a new home. well, the new job and new home are no longer new. i am posing as a workaholic (very strange word as it probably should be workic, which doesn't sound nearly as catchy), hiding from one potential suitor, and battling a mild not-so real crush on a kid at work. he garners the title of "the kid" simply because he is eight months younger and graduated from high school and college a year after me. and the potential suitor is ghastly, but i think he has finally realized that i do not want to talk to him. i don't know if i could ever really be attracted to someone who said, "i grew out of my belle and sebastian phase years ago." i am much more comfortable with people who have never experienced the band and even those who simply do not like them. but someone who has grown beyond them? why would he even want to spend time with someone who cannot escape their grip? i drive to work and then my failing tape deck will work and allow me to hear the voices of stuart and stevie. i love stevie. i've loved stevie since i first heard TIJAMRS: "stevie's full of good intentions." don't know why exactly, but preference can rarely be adequately described. and then, why doesn't the kid leave his girlfriend in santa barbara? of course, that would be weird. i am in some weird technical way his supervisor, which seems wrong. i might nearly be twenty-four, but i am not old enough for them to trust me with that much responsibility, not really. not when i want to live in southwestern france for a few months before i am thirty. but is it fair to call a mild attraction a crush? i have been debating this. am i attracted to him or to his qualities? does that qualify as a crush? it doesn't feel like other crushes, which worries me for a number of reasons. and is it possible to separate a person's qualities from the person? my situation is not helped by my friend, who is aware of the situation, will say on many occasions "i really like him," as if she is actually approving of my choice. if she only knew about the ones in the past, i even shake my head in dismay at those choices. i feel like a recovering addict. i feel like i left one long-term relationship and replaced it with another, and then got rid of the last one. i recently beat an obsession with belle and sebastian. i hit a point where of my ten cds at work, five of them bore the name belle and sebastian. during this point, i was seriously considering travelling to austin, texas just to see the band again, but then the kid i have the sort-of crush on convinced me that i should go to france. of course, he isn't going with me, he leaves this weekend and i leave in may. so, belle and sebastian was replaced with elliott smith. if i had more cds, i would probably go to low next, as if any of this is healthy for a girl who is sleep-deprived, trying to learn german in one class per week, and who has to go out in the rain tomorrow and saturday to drag this weird little box over the ground to see if there are any tanks in the ground. i would apologize for content issues, but i've been away, dealing with life, work, and trying to read books fast enough so that i don't get any library fines. one important question...what is the coachella festival like? second question...is it worth going to, or am i going to end up hating the people around me for not understanding why i love the band? marikka. __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Yahoo! Movies - coverage of the 74th Academy Awards� http://movies.yahoo.com/ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+