Dear Sinister, I've been thinking a lot about daydreams lately and not (before you all get too interested) of the sexual nature. I create little stories in my head and follow them and elaborate on them and repeat them day after day, like my own miniature soap opera. But the thing is: they're neither witty nor intelligent and really have no discernable point whatsoever. They involve people I know and people I don't and me-- but none of us are real. We're all surface level replicas of ourselves, somehow glamorized even in our imaginary misery. And everyone's witty, of course, but it's dumbed down to the point that the *fact* that they're witty holds more relevance than what is actually said; the conversations are interchangable but are held together by a constant artificial happiness, a constant wistful respect. (Perhaps in rebellion against my own "rational" idea that the words should matter more than the sentiments attached to them, that writing "I am happy" on a piece of paper could mean infinitely more than the actual emotion-- with supporting details, of course.) It's not new, I suppose. When I was a kid I used to walk around with the characters of some book I had just finished in my head, creating whole plotlines for them that weren't hinted at in the actual literature. In these daydreams I was rarely present, just an interactive onlooker, smiling at their clichéd adventures. But I wasn't really that removed either-- I'd switch my perspective from character to character, heedless of gender or motive or background. At some point all that changed and everything became a bit more egocentric. Now it is rare that I will have a daydream in which I (or the surface level perfect self that has come to represent me) am not present. Lately I've gotten a bit obsessed with them. I look forward to the end of the day when I can be alone and devote my time to replaying senseless scenes in my head. I take long walks to free my mind absolutely for thinking. I smile when people in the daydream are happy and mouth their witty lines to the air. But the problem is, when it comes down to it, it's just a line. And the people are all two-dimensional and pretty. They're people the way I wish they were, except it's not even that, because I enjoy complexity and mystery and antagonism. They're silly air people. And I'm afraid I wish they were real. It's like reverse schizophrenia, really. I know that the characters are fake and yet I *want* them to be real. Why attempt to make valid connections in life with those annoyingly moody three-dimsensional folks when I have an unlimited vault of witty people in my head always ready to be turned to? It's safe and "perfect" in the most awful use of that word. It is rare that you find a situation when "perfect" doesn't mean "fake" on some level, and I suppose this is no exception. I'm addicted to alternatives to reality. I've got different levels and I just move up and down the ladder, slipping in and out of what's real, of what's truthful and meaningful and into something less. The levels seem to be: 1. real life 2. internet people 3. daydreams 4. sleep So I guess I'm beginning (or perhaps it's been occurring for awhile, it's difficult to tell sometimes) to substitute fakeness in for real life. Which brings up more questions about truth and reality, about what's real to me. If I spend all Saturday dreaming about a conversation on a boat with my long dead uncle, does that *become* my reality? Surely it has affected me more than the fact that it was raining all day, which I hardly noticed, or the television I was ignoring in deference to my mind. That's all really, I suppose. Do you all have similar silly fantasies? I hope so. Maybe we could start a self-help group (unless the group part of that defeats the purpose of such a venture) or at least keep each other one level up for the moment. Stay safe, Jesse _________________________________________________________________ MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and print your photos: http://photos.msn.com/support/worldwide.aspx +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+