Sinister: tired of fighting for a lost cause

I want to thank Astrid for recommending Lost Cause, by Beck. I just spent a lot of time listening to it and playing diamond mine on shockwave.com. It’s appropriately sad, so I can cry a lot inside, and keep the outside frozen. I’ve never not been lonely. Only fooled myself into thinking I wasn’t from time to time. I’ve never not felt like an alien. Like what I see in the mirror must mutate the instant I turn away, into some grotesque shape that reflects what the inside feels like. External wounds to match the internal. I torture myself thinking of the possibility of someone pining for me the way I do for so many people. The idea of it breaks me down. Yet I keep thinking about it, while keeping my mouth shut. The day I took the walk alone in Iceland, I kept seeing broken glass everywhere at my feet. All I could think when I saw it was “I could use that to slit my wrists.” I meant more than I ever have in my life, and I’m supposed to be so much better now. Granted this was low was caused by the enormous betrayal perpetrated by the person who calls herself my best friend. I find that the spells of feeling good last longer, but the downs are lower. I feel broken. Like there’s some crippledness to me that I can’t quite see, so it can’t be repaired. I start to hate all the things I like, out of sheer repetition and mockery. Can’t really like anything, it has to be a joke. Being genuine only opens up for more wounding. Another bruise. Hang the head a little lower. The urge to run away has come back. I don’t need any of this. I don’t need to secure my future. I just want to be given a new start. A real one. I want reincarnation. In the dream I move away without telling anyone, because I can’t know anyone anymore. I fade out and reappear somewhere totally separate from what I was before. Then I just exist. Get some shitty job and live. That’s all I want really. That and love. I’ve always wanted that. I’m utterly crap at getting it though. I have no idea what I’m doing. I always feel like I’m mentally stumbling. Yet the confidence comes. When I don’t expect it, it sneaks up on me. So I suppose I am getting better. Maybe I will never be a sunny person. More of a sunset and sunrise of a girl. I’m sorry, there’s nowhere else to empty my head. very much love, Kara www2.bc.edu/~brielman _________________________________________________________________ MSN 8 helps eliminate e-mail viruses. Get 2 months FREE*. http://join.msn.com/?page=features/virus +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+