Hello, and good evening, my little lambs of Jesyus. My name is sister Janice, and I have given my life to The Saviour. I would like to tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a princess. She was the richest, most beautiful princess there has ever been. Her name was Angoustora. Angoustora lived at the top of the tallest tower in the world. A fantastic, magical tower, made entirely of mirrors. She could come and go as she pleased - none of that Rapunzel crap for this gal, er, that is, she was free to come and go as she pleased, with a thousand thousand servants waiting on her hand and foot. She wasn't locked up, like so many fairy tale princesses are. Oh, no sirree.. Despite all this, she was unhappy. Every day, she would wander to the mirror and proclaim, 'oh mirror, oh mirror, oh why am i so bitter?' This is not her story. Who wants to hear her story?? Try living in the Real World for five minutes, lady, that way you get to know proper misery and sadness and pretty quickly you'll find out where you can shove your hypherluted melancholic posturing... Err.. I am sorry, my dears. What I meant was that one can be unhappy in any situation, even the most JesusGodBlessed one. There are many that would suggest that, with faith, application and belief in the value of virtue, one can conversely be happy in any situation, even those where others would feel wretched. That's the sort of thing they taught me at the convent. Of course, we all know that's bullshit, don't we? Really. The problem with religious types is that, if you let them, they'll spout sanctimonious crap at any given opportunity. Don't doubt me. I know. I lived with a bunch of nuns for far too many years of my life. Always spouting on about 'the love of God' whilst excluding those who didn't fit into their narrow world-views. Always talking about accepting everyone whilst castigating their fellow NUNS just because they happened to have a penchant for playing loud disco music every now and again. I always say, if you're a NUN, and a NUN is your friend, and you can't accept another NUN, even though that NUN is your friend, and you're both NUNS then.. yeah.... well, I've given up that game now, so I don't need to remember it, do I? I have decided it is time to spread love throughout the galaxy, and accordingly I have constructed my own space-craft from a garden shed and plan to use it to travel through space, visiting those in need of a morale boost. ...And, when my own morale needs boosting, I just watch my little plants grow. I found them round the back of the shed, and I brought them in and tended them. The leaves are marvellous dried out and smoked. An old herbal remedy for Sadness of the Soul, so i'm told. For does the Bible not say that Jesus was a gardener? I think it does. The Bible was never my strong point. Probably why those nuns had it in for me from the start. Probably why they thought I MEANT to poison the mother superior. And the visiting cardinals. And the papal emissary. And the convent dog, little Julia Andrea. I wouldn't do that. Well, not to the dog, anyway. How was I to know it was bleach? It said 'lemon fresh' on the bottle, and it SMELT citruss-y. Hey, like I always said, if you don't like my cooking, don't eat it again. Except they won't be eating it again. Or anything for that matter. Nectar and ambrosia, maybe, now they've hauled their holy asses up where they always felt they belonged. Err...where was I? Oh yes, I will, for the next few weeks, be journeying about the galaxy spreading the Love of Jesus Christ Our Lord Saviour wherever I go. So, if you're feeling sinister, don't go off and see a minister. Well, do it if you must, but I've been there, done that. Got the clothes. Dull clothes. Still, they do get you a seat on the bus. Two to yourself, sometimes. Especially if you get out a string of beads and start muttering....it doesn't even have to be a rosary. Anyway, why try in vain to take away the pain of being a hopeless non-believer? Believe in the new Church! The Church of the Shed. Coming your way soon. Blessed be, my dears Sister Janice Slejj +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+