Hello my lovelies. how are we all?the festive period is over now and i'm supposed to be getting down to some studying,but i'm not.so there.i hope hangovers are not too serious and drunken mistakes were not so huge a mistake.anyway On friday me and alan went on the pull with two friends,respective girls need not worry though we are very much enchanted by them,the pulling we done was on behalf the two friends.ryan friend was recently broken hearted and thought it was time to get back into the game but was still unsure,other friend just suffers from chronic shyness .ryan friend needed only a little encouragement.other friend though needed a step by step guide.it was odd because i hate 'the pull' and alan does too.it's something i refuse to do,yet here we were doing it for one of our friends. not quite sitting down and saying "hey we're danny and alan,you won't be sticking your tongues down our throats tonight because we're ecstatically content with our current situation in relational status but hey,you like our boys,you want them to buy you drinks,dance with you et al.?" but,it sure did feel like that at some points.alan having to get up and dance to get other friends arse of the seat and then needing to stand behind him to make sure he didn't sit down.saying you know friend,a girl dancing with you and holding your hand and gazing at you means she IS interested. anyway,there will be no repeat performances of that,ever. i am confused. this post may be a little self indulgent,so.indulge me.or don't,i'll understand. i usually start my sini posts in my computing lab at uni,however i'm off so instead this is solely done from my house,with cocoa,and without sleep for over well 38 hours now i think.mostly however i wish my lab were sitting on me.must be better than the weight of...nah,i can't be melodramatic even if i try.however my lab sitting on me must be a whole lot better than my insecurities and the problems of my friends resting on me.yes infinetely better indeed. yes my insecurities.friend girl is stalking me again,it got me thinking. i remember once i posted about how i never hide my emotions,and i don't,but i guess it's more than that,i lack emotional barriers.not i don't have any,but i have less emotional padding or dampener than most people. and when i'm going to be in a relationship,or aiming for a relationship or such,i let them know this.and they go oh danny i know you're so sensitive and kind and different.and it's true,the inability to hide emotions and the lessened padding does help me to be a lot more sensitive and i guess it's something that draws people to me. BUT. when they realise this i always tell them over and over,but the lack of this thing,the emotional barriers,the padding whatever you want to call it that i have less of.it does lead to my best qualities but it doesn't make me better,because it has a bad side too.i get really upset easily and depressed easily.a teasing take the wrong way reducing me to tears,and i know i shouldn't but i just can't do anything about it at all as much as i try,i can't stop feeling the sadness,even though i know it's just a joke i still get hurt. a meaningless argument leaving me so sad i'm unable to speak when i should recover the next morning.and i warn them all of this,every single person i ever date or even prospectively date,i warn them over and over and over. they say but danny it's okay,i know you're sensitive it's what i love about you,and i try to explain that,what i wrote above and they dismiss it. and then when they finally get an example they invariably run,they run away,i'm not hardened enough for them,i'm an idiot,maybe even childish. the thing that they love so much about me is also what makes them run away even after i've warned them again and again about the bad side to this character trait. and now. Now the person i consider the most beautiful girl in the whole world,she wants me.and she has my heart.and tells me i have hers.and so i should be happy.and. i am happy,happier than i have ever been in my whole life,and that doesn't even do my newfound happiness justice,it's the equivalent of a homeless person winning the lottery and saying "hey i have a little more money than i did yesterday".so yes i am infinetely more happy. but.i'm scared,more scared than i have ever been before. because of this,because this time i have so much to lose,because the person is the most astonishing person in the whole world to me and not,like now because it's her i want.just ever,i have never known anyone to be quite like her and she is unique in ways that can bring me to tears.so i'm scared in case there is a repeat performance of my whole life. that she'll drop me straight away.as soon as she see's the bad side,even though as usual i've warned again and again about the terrible flaws in a very open emotional state,i'm worried when she get's her first example she will run,like they all do. i guess however that it's a chance i've got to take for every stupid thing i say or do. but i have my newfound hope,and i hope, and i do believe, that she will understand the bad side to the things she loves me for and that she will accept them.but still i am very scared. boys can get their hearts broken to. love,huggles and beautiful confusion. always your danny xxx _________________________________________________________________ Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. 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