I have been pondering for the past week at least whether I should finally write a post again or not. Sometimes I feel so unable to express anything ... and most things have already been said. Same as most significant melodies have already been written and most of what we are listening to today is just a variation of what has been there before most sentences have been spoken and every story has been told in a similar way before. The differences are only subtle. So sometimes I feel like resorting to total silence. Because it normally speaks louder than words and is open to all interpretations. I originally (re)joined this list because I lost touch with two people (for the most parts we are still speaking but it isn't the same and sometimes I think it would make little difference if we would just stop doing so .. and I cannot help resenting them. And sometimes I cannot help letting this slip.) I in particular enjoyed writing to because writing to them made me feel like I was different for a while and liked describing things and sharing my thoughts... Sadly I seemed to get less and less appreciated after a while (or maybe I just started to get on their nerves; people have their own lives and I suppose my insecurities are my problem and not anyone else's and I cannot blame anyone and I won't.) but I still needed someone to write those things to and some place where I got a reaction so putting them into my journal alone wasn't enough. I thrive on reaction because I need to feel welcome ... There are others I am writing to and others I speak to and people I have spoken to for ages .... but I have become guarded. I wish human relationships would work the same way as my ZoneAlarm firewall does. "Will you allow application X to connect to the Internet? yes no always remember this answer" "Will you allow this person to connect with your heart? yes no automatically block this person now and forever" And posting to a list is different... it's not the same as writing to someONE at the other end of the line you can actually picture reading and enjoying it.... So I never really wrote much to .. here. I have been sad lately. I have been sad all summer. Sometimes I feel like I have been sad all my life. I am not sure if it is the aftermath of getting robbed or whether I would have been like this anyway... I remember that night... I remember sitting in a club and putting two fingers in my ears in protest against Teenage Dirtbag* ... I remember cramping my style a bit later by dancing to Placebo* And I remember feeling like leaving because being there made nothing better or right .. I wanted to see people and light but I got thrown back onto myself... so I walked back home... And I had been walking through that park 100s of time... and only two days before I was joking that if something would happen it'd probably be drug addicts and I could talk to them ... and yeah, I could. I could talk to them. But that didn't stop me from breaking down afterwards. And I wonder if 2 minutes of feeling helpless have changed me ... or if I would have changed anyway and I only got dunked in a little faster by all this. I will be going away a bit later; probably next week. I think it will do me good. I need to learn to breath freely again. This is also the last post from this account as it will be terminated in a couple of weeks. *disclaimer: this is not meant to offend anyone. Just the way I felt that night. -- sometimes I'm right. sometimes you're wrong. http://www.clodia.f2s.com/ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+