Dear Sinister, I saw someone who looked exactly like you the other day. So I ran up and knocked him in the back of his head with the heel of my hand, but when he turned around in blood-spitting anger I realized that it was not in fact you and I scampered away mumbling apologies. I've been home from school for a month, and I stumbled into employment a few weeks ago. Now I am working as a secretary for a multimillionaire who owns half of suburban Philadelphia. He has been having a lot of trouble keeping secretaries; they always seem to quit after just a short period of time. Of course, he has no idea why. (I, however, am starting to get a clue.) I do not see quitting as an option for me, because, well... ahem... he's my uncle. Wonderful situation, wouldn't you say? It's not too bad, I have a gift for pointless organization and I am fairly good at playing secretary. Nonetheless, I don't see a career opportunity here, because telephones make me terribly nervous. After work I wander home to lay on my bed and listen to music, drifting in and out of sleep until it's too late to nap. Then I get up and take a bath. Sometimes I look at my photo albums and laugh. It's lonely and it's quiet but it's ok for now. I really enjoy reading all of your letters. Who was it who told you that spending a summer wasting is a dangerous thing? Was it that heavyset fellow with the intricate comb-over? Oh, it doesn't matter. In any case, whoever it was, he's a venomous liar. Any good farmer would gladly explain to him that a season or two of weeds will increase productivity in the end. If you need the phone number of a good farmer, just ask my uncle. I had my first Belle and Sebastian dream the other day. Actually, it was a Stuart David dream. I discovered a cookbook in my kitchen and on the cover it said, "Stuart David's Gorgeous Desserts" with a picture of an old, smiling man holding up trays of desserts that were in fact quite pretty and well-decorated. I thought to myself, "That scoundrel, he's an old man and he's been fooling us all with that young, dashing but unconvincing stand-in!" However, later in my dream my brother introduced me to his friend Stuart David, who was the real Stuart David. When I questioned him in confusion, he sheepishly explained to me that the other fellow was a cunning impostor, and I felt wretched for having jumped to conclusions. One thing before I go ... We always tell each other about our beautiful dreams but not about the ugly ones. A few nights ago (in a dream, of course), I threw a boy down on the pavement and kicked him until he was nearly dead. Of course, he was trying to kidnap me to the land of evil, but still I didn't have to smash his teeth in or break his jaw. Sometimes you wake up from a dream with an ethereal breath in your lungs and the memory of that dream is just such a treasure, blah blah blah but sometimes you wake up and you are horrified and disgusted. Sometimes you dream about urine and vomit and war and stingrays and fat, sweaty, sobbing, tyrannical naked cartoon queens. Errr, I mean, sometimes I do. Respectfully, Meredith P.S. I too am suspicious of rabbits. Whenever I jog by them on the road, they run away from me. However, they make it a point to run out of their safe little bushes with a terrified look in their eyes, stand petrified for a second or two in front of me, and then tear back into an identical safe little bush. It's just as if they want to make it completely clear that they are running from me. The other day a whole pack of squirrels, six or seven of them, raced in panic from a tree just moments before I passed in order to hide in a tree on the opposite side of the road. A snub from the animal kingdom. P.P.S. If you're wondering about the queen, you will be relieved to know that I gave her a warm bath for her nerves and wrapped her in a soft, immense towel fresh from the dryer (just like her daddy used to do) and she decided not to cut off my head. * * * M.D.H. The Disenchanted Pony +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the undead Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "tech-heads and students" +-+ +-+ "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list" +-+ +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "peculiarly deranged fanbase" "frighteningly named +-+ +-+ Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +----------------------------------------------------------------------+