********WARNING!!! THIS POST IS WHINY!!! PLEASE SKIP!!!!************** Oh my dear stars. It's 3 am, which isn't too late I guess, but it feels later. I've been debating whether I should go to class in the morning or not. I've been feeling very disconnected recently. This empty sort of depression has been with me a for a few days now. I don't like it. If I were to be depressed about a girl, it would be different. There would be something there. Either the hope of her noticing me, or the extreme pain of losing her. It would even be better if I were nervous about a test, or upset about a bad grade. Or about a job, or about something. Anything at all. But what keeps me up nights now? What drives me to write to 1500 people this late at night? Nothing. Nothing at all. I read post after post from you lot night after night. Many are humorous and fun, like Ken Chu's strange brand of vulgar wit. Or Laura Llew's...Llewness (Whom, much to her dismay and disgust, will soon find me standing outside her home, with an acoustic guitar, playing "hesitating beauty" with slightly altered lyrics). Then there are those beautiful ones, such as Kirsten's brief glimpse into a strange world I know nothing of. But a goodly amount deals with personal tragedies/triumphs involving finding beautiful moments in things, getting a new job, losing a job and cleaning, and especially pining for a boy/girl, getting the boy/girl, or losing the boy/girl. I have none of this. None of it at all. I have no prospects for a significant other of any kind, I'm not very close to any of my friends, I'm not worried about a job, School is set for the next several years, etc... There is nothing at all interesting in life. Days drift on and on, following each other in this endless parade of mundanity. School, work, home, clean, sleep, school, work, home, clean, etc... I have nothing really to look forward to, nothing to really mull over now, and no end in sight. I really can't stand it. But I can't put my finger on what the problem really is. I don't know what to do. I can't come up with a solution if there isn't really a problem. I stay up late at night, smoking cigarettes in my bed and listening to music, and thinking about nothing. I have nothing to think about, nothing to fight for, nothing cry about, nothing to pine for. I just feel empty. This must be the worst kind of depression. Not even music can pull me out of this. If I were to be dumped, I could listen to some trembling blue stars or something. Loss of a loved one, there's plenty of music for that. But what about utter nothingness? No feelings about anything whatsoever, other than the dread of having go through yet another awful day. Sorry to bother you all with this, I don't like to annoy people. But does anyone else ever feel this way? Or is this just self-loathing wankery? I will say the two bright spots of today. I finally received (after a few months) the Camera Obscura LP. I was amazed at how high quality the vinyl was. So thick, like they really cared. Someone give someone in that band a good pat on the back for that. Also, the magazine on banchory is absolutely excellent. It's a must have. Again, I apologize for the inconvenience. I wouldn't feel so bad about cluttering up your mailbox if mine was cluttered up all the time with information on how to get an international drivers license, or a certain percent off widgets. Mostly from a girl named "J A N E T" -Matt _________________________________________________________________ Join the worlds largest e-mail service with MSN Hotmail. http://www.hotmail.com +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+