Ya know, I wouldn't call myself a fan of Matchbox 20, but I love their new single. It reminds me of me. "I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell. I know, right now you can't tell. but hang around and maybe then you'll see, how I used to be." i feel that i have changed so much in the past few months. i also feel as though i am completely losing my mind most of the time. This weekend was relatively uneventful. i ended up not going to class on saturday as per my doctor's orders and, more importantly, my grandmother's orders. i did go to my niece's first birthday party, which was nice i guess. it's funny, i don't really know those siblings very well. they grew up together, with their mother, and i was raised by my grandparents. my sister jill and i got close some years ago when our father sent us to florida together to visit him. as for michele, who is my eldest sister, she always resented me in many ways. largely because i got more from my father than she ever did. it's ironic that last year she came around, and invited me to spend christmas eve with them and participate in what had always been "their" tradition. within a few hours, our father was dead. weird. another moment of note took place when gram and i were driving to the party. i started crying again and telling her that i just can't deal with my life anymore. something you should know, my grandmother has the most unbelievable faith of anyone i have ever known. when i was done she said "you can't be so negative about things. negativity effects your health." i told her that i tried not to be but lately i just can't help it. i told her that my life was totally unravelling and, for someone as "type a" as i am, that is enough to drive me to the brink of insanity. i am all about order and organisiation and have neither anymore. she told me that i needed to quit worrying so much, just have faith and God will take care of me. i informed her that, up to now, he has done a pretty crappy job. with that she got a bit miffed and said that He had not, I just wasn't aware of it yet. she said that i just need to believe that He will take care of me, and it will happen. i wish i chould have faith like that, i really do. it's just so hard to believe so strongly in something that can't be proven. i do believe in God, but i think it is mostly because i like to think that there is a better place than this awful world of ours. i like the idea that someone knows why all of these horrible things happen to everyone, someone who is guiding us through it all and protecting us. i dunno. now i'm just babbling. i was thinking about going to confession. i don't really believe in confession. who is some preist to tell me that God forgives me, shouldn't that be between God and I? i haven't gone to confession since.....well...since i made my confirmation when i was 13. that is 12, almost 13 years of unabsolved sins...maybe that's where i went wrong. :o) seriously though, i don't believe in it, but what if I am wrong? it certainly can't hurt. enough about religion. oi. yesterday i lay in bed all day, sleeping off and on. also watched a slew of movies: All That Heaven Allows, which I liked The Naked Kiss, which I liked Kermit, the early swamp years :o) Office Space, a staple (no pun intended :o) some russian movie that i fell asleep during...didn't care to re-watch it pretty woman the improtance of being ernest...old version and new...i love them both bridget jones' diary....still like the book more, but still watch the movie quite a bit. have developed mad crush on colin firth :o) i think i watched some others...oh yeah.... from a whisper to a scream, but i watch that all of the time. :o) ah well. enough rambling. time to go and rest my lung. love and snow plows (very snowy in chicaogish :o( ) ~stine __________________________________________________ Do you Yahoo!? Yahoo! Tax Center - File online, calculators, forms, and more http://tax.yahoo.com +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+