Lady Playforth was discovering just how difficult it was to run in a crinoline. "Anyone would think," she sniffed, "that there was a conflagration in the building." Professor Hester adjusted his deer-stalker hat and nodded in grave agreement. The cause of their frustration was his assistant, Dr. Healey, who was fast becoming a dot on the horizon, if indeed underground railway stations could be said to have horizons. Once they had caught up with him, it became obvious that he was simply looking forward to the evening's festivities. But Professor Hester was worried, for two reasons. He was concerned that his status as the capital's premier solver of crimes and mysteries was being usurped by an upstart who had the audacity to copy him - he dressed the same way and smoked the same brand of tobacco in his pipe. Apparently this person lived in the street outside this very railway station - at #221B if he recalled correctly. The professor was also concerned that he would not be able to work the confounded contraption which was to provide tonight's musical entertainment. A man across the sea known as the Wizard of Menloe Park had designed it....apparently it was the first one to be imported to England. It was supposed to be very special....one inserted little silver disks and lo! - music came out. But the Professor knew that there was more to it than that - for he had seen a line drawing of the device in the Illustrated London News. It had numerous knobs and switches that had to be twiddled at the appropriate moment - enough to tax the keenest mind. The professor was particularly anxious not to disappoint a visitor from one of the colonies - a mysterious land of ice and snow. Eventually the party completed its journey to Farringdon and emerged into a thick fog. A hansom drew up and they all climbed in. "The Bestey Trotwood Tavern, and be quick about it!" barked a young man to the driver. "Who is this young upstart?" wondered the professor. The man in question must have known what was on his mind, for immediately he doffed his hat and introduced himself. "Master Anscombe at your service, sir". "Oh," said the professor, "and what do you do for a living?" "I am a Super Hero, sir", replied Anscombe. "Really....what precisely does that entail?" Hester asked. "I am an Acquirer of Books, sir. For a library", came the reply. Immediately an uncharacteristically wide smile spread across the professor's face. "Well, in that case, you are indeed a Super Hero, for books bring knowledge and what does knowledge bring?" - Hester glanced penetratingly in Healey's direction. "Brains sir" Healey replied (somewhat wearily, having been asked the question on numerous occasions). "Precisely!" said the professor, a trifle too loudly, causing Lady Playforth to wince and cover her ears. Right now, Hester was wondering if there was a book which would provide detailed instructions on Mr. Edison's latest invention, but he kept his thoughts to himself as they disembarked from their transport and entered the tavern. Ignoring the gathering of Cockney chimney sweeps huddled at the bar, murmuring into their ale, they all made themselves upstairs where a shock awaited them. They had enlisted the help of a gang of local artisans to clear the room of chairs and tables in preparation for the evening's terpsichorean delights. They had even promised them an extra shilling apiece if they removed Mr. Edison's magical device from its wooden box and place it carefully on the special stand at the front of the room. Yet neither of these things had been done. A scruffy woollen-hatted individual appeared to be the leader of the group. "See here, young man, this room is a disgrace" the Professor muttered, but was met with a vacant stare and a stony silence. Suddenly, a tall individual wearing distinctive purple trousers strode into the room. "I'll handle this" he said and much to the professor's amazement, began to engage the urchin in a lengthy, detailed conversation. The result of this was that somewhat belatedly, the room was prepared and the mind-blowingly complex contraption installed in its proper place. Soon, a gathering of people culd be seen staring at it. The Professor recognised Sir Dafyd of Dorking and the Oriental magician known simply as Chu, but the third person was a stranger to him. As mysteries were anathema to him, he felt compelled to go and make his introductions immediately. The man made an austentatious bow. "My card" he said grandly, presenting Hester with a gilt edged card with the following legend in particularly swirly copper-plate: D.J. Santa, Esq. Steady State Scientist and Music Maker Hester was well acquainted with Steady State Science and felt no enquiries about that were necessary, but was intrigued by the music maker part. "I perform in various local hostelries under the name My Dear Killer", Santa replied. Given the gruesome demise of several harlots in the Whitechapel area recently, Hester felt the monicker to be in dubious taste, but he let that pass and diverted his attentions to the music machine. "What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?" he asked. The answer soon became apparent. A silver disk containing music by the ensemble known simply as Elastica had been placed inside, music had been played, but when they twiddled the knob to make it come out again, the little shelf it rested on was as bare as Mother Hubbard's cupboard. The professor stroked his chin thoughtfully, summoning Healey from the other side of the room. "What I suggest, is that we insert a second disk and see what happens to that" he told him. Healey looked baffled. "Is that wise?" he asked. "Won't it eat that....as well?" Hester gave Healey the kind of look of condescension which did not so much have 'you have a lot to learn' written on it, as chiselled with the precision of a master stonemason. Healey picked up a second disk. "I think we should try this song called Wrapped Up in Books" he suggested. At once Master Anscombe ran over, waving his hands in panic. "I hope nobody is suggesting wrapping anything up in books," he said, gasping. "After I've gone to all the trouble to Acquire them, they should only be stacked neatly on shelves, taken down carefully and read" he reminded everyone. After this brief interruption, the second disk was indeed inserted into the machine and the most beautiful music the assembled party had every heard came out. On the now clear dance floor, the visitor from the land of ice and snow, one Mistress Robyn began to dance to it and everyone was very impressed, showing their appreciation with a polite round of applause and shouts of "Bravo!" The disk emerged from the machine without a scratch on it, but the Elastica one was still trapped inside! What could possibly had gone wrong? D.J. Santa told the Professor that it had been agreed that everyone was being given a period of 45 minutes to try out Mr. Edison's invention and play as much music as they could. "It is your turn next", he whispered. "That means you have just 45 minutes to solve the mystery." Hester eyed the machine with some trepidation. He had to discover what all these switches and knobs did. He began to experiment. Sometimes the music stopped for no apparent reason, sometimes it came from one side of the room but not the other! And sometimes songs seemed to start from the beginning again for no apparent reason! The assembled gathring began to chatter amongst themselves. Whatever would Mistress Robyn think of all this? She had come all this way on her Cunard ocean liner, telling horrendous stories of narrowly missed icebergs and sea-sickness pills left unpacked on Montreal bedside tables. It was essential that her impressions of the mother country were positive ones. Eventually Hester's patience was tried. Swishing his cape aside, he switched all the switches at once, like a cat clawing at a tree-stump. Lo and behold the Elastica CD emerged, shiny and pristine with not a scratch on it. The mysterious tall man in purple trousers appeared once again. "Thank you for solving our mystery for us" he said, shaking the professor's hand. "Nonsense, it was nothing," Hester replied. "I should be thanking you for this excellent evening's entertainment, and the opportunity to experiment with the latest, um, Audio Technology". "The latest what was it?" the purple clad one asked quizzically. "I will make a prediction," the professor stated confidently, "that a century from now, the good subjects of the British Empire will still be referring to devices such as this as Audio Technology. From the Latin audiere, to hear, and the Greek teknologia, systematic treatment. Of course". "Of course", replied His Purpleness. As the granfather clock chimed one, Hester and Healey bid their farewells and stepped out into the chill London air. "Mistress Robyn does dance well, doesn't she?" opined Healey. "Yes of course" Hester replied. "One thing puzzled me though," Healey went on. "She told me she was a Canadian. Do you know what she meant by that?" The professor clasped an avuncular hand round Healey's shoulder. "Now that, my friend, is a mystery which will take slightly longer to solve." ______________________________________________________________ For up-to-the-minute music news, reviews and specials visit http://www.nme.com Only emails from nme-admin@nme.com and websupport@nme.com are from senders associated with nme.com or any other IPC magazine. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. 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