Chapter 1 I hadn’t slept properly in a month. You know that they say if you hate someone too much everything gets all twisted? Well, the same thing can happen with love, only that won’t go away just because you decide it should and there’s no way you can just leave it alone, especially when the other person loves you back just as much. I guess you wouldn’t really understand unless you know someone who made you so nervous that you couldn’t speak to them for fear of having them despise you, of giving away something of your character and having them realise, instantly, that you are in no way their equal or even their second best. You have to understand that, for all my efforts not to be, I’m pretty much flawed. I try to care about things, I try to put other people first, but it never feels quite right, it always feels like I’m doing it for myself. Sometimes I manage it, last week I actually got really upset when some girls I know were talking about going to war being a duty, but that’s just the once. Usually I just sit at home listening to music and working out how to get back at someone who’s upset me, or going out and trying to find the best way to attract everyone’s attention. I’ve tried to be like him, to actually care more about other people than I do about myself. It doesn’t work, and every time he touches me I can feel that he knows I’m not like him. Now, I didn’t always understand he was like that, when I first met him I had no idea at all. As far as I can remember it was January, though it could just as easily have been February, and I was sitting in the front room reading a book and drinking Ribina through a straw. He had come to see my dad about the computer and I had no idea who he was. He fixed the problem in a couple of minutes and sat down on the chair next to me to have a cup of tea. I winked at him, I always winked at boys when they first came into the house, it was my way of introducing some drama into the proceedings. He shuffled the first time, and smiled just enough to avoid offending me. I waited until my father came into the room and winked again, this time he pretended it hadn’t happened. I went back to my book. I soon found that it was impossible to read over the discussions taking place between my father and my new toy. I noticed he was looking at me and looked up sharply, intending to embarrass him. He held my gaze for a second and then returned his eyes to my father. A little confused by this reaction I searched for something else to occupy my attention. I began to blow gently on my Ribina, manoeuvring the waves across the cup. I continued this until the tea was finished and the boy left. "...and of course everyone felt appropriately shocked and saddened by the women's affliction..." The Happy Reaper +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+