A few nights ago I asked my best friend, "So what shall we console ourselves with? They thought that some day things will best better?" I was feeling desperate. About a month ago my life seem to be getting better. I was falling in love and I got a puppy, and for a while the world seemed brighter. Then came a night when I listed all the things that should have been making me happy, and found them to be quite a lot... and discovered I was feeling sad and worried. I thought it would go away. On a magically sunny afternoon two days later, me and my friend are walking with the sea on one side and the city on the other. We had walked out of the cinema to find ourselves standing in front of the sea and opposite of some cranes. And of the sun, who seemed to be everywhere, in the sky and on the sea and reflecting on the first line of buildings of the city. It made me suddenly understand what the phrase 'leave the earth behind as you watch into the sun' might mean. It also reminded me of something I had read in a book, something like that this world is the most powerful one. Or it might have said dominant. Because it has gravity. Walking in the sunlight felt like floating. And yet. It was a reminder of the essence and the nature of this world, and how we can't escape it -like gravity. And as a boy told me once -while kissing me-, gravity keeps us from flying, but also keeps us from falling off. When we find ourselves in the wrong hemisphere, with our feet where your head should be. Somehow I know exactly what he meant. And walking into the magical sunlight after two hours of sitting in a dark room... it just said everything about it. Still, the world felt dark. However, I guess that's what I console myself with. I was going to talk about the things that made me feel desperate that night, not in a "why does my life suck so much" way but in a "how good can things get" way, in a "can we ever be happy" way. Sir David said : "I have thought a lot about happiness. It seems to me that happiness is the ability to look just far enough ahead. To strike a balance between doing what will make me feel good right now, and what will make me feel good tomorrow about the person I have been today. If anyone has any ideas on how to actually do this - answers on the back of a postcard, please." And I just wish happiness is something more than that. And I guess that's the reason I was feeling desperate that night. Postcards -it's one of my favourite words, though as far as I can remember I have never send or received one. One of this days and as a fight was ending, I said 'everyone is sad for some reason'. Actually, I typed it. Then I stood there staring at the screen, wondering how you can just let things lie around in your mind without putting them into words for years, surprised once more by the effect it has one me. Cause I remembered my four-and-a-half-year-old self lying in bed and realising that. And not being sad about it. Just wanting to find out everything about it. In a way, that's all I have been doing. And it probably is the reason why I have been asking so many people so many questions. About so many things. Maybe even I have been asking too many people too many questions. About too many things. Sir David also said: Sometimes you see between and through things. Sometimes this makes you feel warm, at others: cold. It still surprises me when I see my thoughts expressed by someone else and delivered to me by Sinister. And it happens quite a lot. And that's one of the best things I've read lately. Maybe just because I had been thinking about it a lot. Although it doesn't tell you what to do with that. I've spent quite a lot of time wishing people could like each other more, while at the same time accusing myself of having childish wishes. I know some people can't like each other. I know I dislike some people too. I know that maybe sometimes I don't even have good reasons for doing so. But... Maybe it comes from wondering too much, but since this summer I've gained some kind of insight into people's motives and feelings, I don't read your thoughts (usually not that is, and when it happens, it doesn't really make me really happy...anyway), I just happen to know a lot of times what people feel and how it makes them act the way they act. Sometimes I judge people... and sometimes I don't... I'm not sure what I want to do. Though not always. Maybe when I grow up a bit more I won't judge anyone. But what I do know is that this knowledge changes the way I view things. And it taught me that everybody have their reasons for being who they are and doing what they do. Which might not justify what they're doing... but it makes it easier to accept. I guess. So... please try to be understanding. And then -as Will once said- supportive. Sometimes the first comes after the second, or it might not come at all -but I suggest you try it anyway. The aforementioned friend used to be a boyfriend. And one cold windy night aand after having watched another film, I found myself walking behind him, and crying -cause he hated me. And wondering what I have been doing so wrong and I have lost almost every friend I've had (here). And at the same time knowing that -without it meaning that I haven't done mistakes- I'm proud of what I am. While he is shouting, to me probably as there's no one else around, that he's fed up with being himself. Well -we fight mostly cause he's depressed like this... but... (and that's one of the things that makes us be best friends, I guess) I remember me saying to him in September that I don't see the point in telling him what I think he's doing wrong, that I'll just love him which will give him the strength to get over it, since if he's doing something wrong in time he'll see it himself. If I had lived up to that, we probably wouldn't have been fighting. In case this explains what I said above any better. I just read that paragraph again and it sounds desperate... or something quite similar for which I don't know the word. Maybe it was that bad indeed... but it doesn't matter now as a few days later and after yet another film he called me and later he came round. He was quite sad... as if he hadn't forgiven me... as always. He brought me wine and watched me cook and listened to me moan (about fighting with a boy). Then he disappeared. As always. -Oooooooh. The athenian picnic. I hear it's getting bigger and bigger. Which makes me really happy. CAuse the 24th of March happens to be my 21st birthday. Hmmm, no, it's not a coincidence. If you want to blame someone you can blame Danny. I didn't do anything. But I wouldn't blame him, cause that's going to be like, better than the best birthday party I could ever have. Maybe better than if I went to Scotland. Mainly cause it will be sunny. Trust me, the weather will probably be exactly as Joanna describes it. It's exactly what I imagoned it to be like too. I'm always complaining about living in Greece but I'm sure it's a great place for a holiday, especially if you don't come in the summer. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+