dearest Sinister, i wouldn't say i'm actually shy or scared of people in general but sometimes it does take me hours to prepare myself to call someone i don't know. sometimes it takes me hours to call someone i know even. i won't go to the shop so easily that has no visitors in it because i'm scared that selling-woman would talk to me because she's bored and wants to talk to someone but i would be only like "mhm" or mumbling something she won't understand or not even that. just nod. looking down nod. sometimes it doesn't even help if someone is with me, some friend i mean. i'm too scared of not buying the things i've been recommended by anybody when i finally am brave enough to walk to the counter. even if i don't like them that much. that would be sort of impolite i feel. i certainly won't bargain. i guess i can say i'm not much of a shopper. except in record stores. i'm not so scared in there because i usually know what i'm looking for. i change the side of the road when i see people with microphones or/and cameras standing and interviewing passers by. sometimes i run away when they try to ask something from me. or pretend i'm deaf. (it's usually hard though as i walk wearing headphones). i look down when i walk alone. it's one of the most scariest things sitting alone in the cafe waiting for your friend and not having your scrap-book with you. scrap-book is like a friend you can always rely on. scrap-book and pens. they make me feel confident. they make me feel that i'm not totally useless, that there is still some hope for me. and that autumn won't stay away forever. i miss sweater weather. i miss wearing long woolly scarves with occasional yellow leaf stacked on it. i miss feeling rain on my face and hands. i miss the sounds that wind makes when it's angry. i miss cats meowing to me on dark alleys. i miss meowing them back. i miss chestnuts dropping. i miss piles of colourful leaves and me in them. i even miss struggles with umbrellas outside in the cold rain. i miss those who i love. a constant ache it is. i'm afraid that i start to forget all these small things i like about my friends if i don't see them that often. but it's not so bad because i still want to remember all those things. i want to keep in contact and tell them things about everyday life. i want to make them happy. and i know they feel the same way about me and that is a most important thing in friendship. that and trust. there is something you all have been constantly telling to me all this time i've been here. not personally to me, but to everybody else as well. you've told me that it's ok to be that way. it's ok to be scared about things that most people enjoy. thanks to that i haven't walked alone that much for a while now. i've got braver. thank you for walking with me Sinister. best birthday wishes to you! ulla +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+