I've been dumped. On friday, I was dumped. you know I was dumpeda few weeks ago well, this is real dumped, as in, I can't convince him to give me a chance, becuase he won't. I've lost. I think the truth of it is hitting me slowly. Saturday I didn't feel so bad, but as each day has started, my tears have got progressively worse, and my self esteem and ego and pride have crescended to the depths I can't remember. Part of me wants to go to the doctor, and ask for them just to put me away into a little cell for a while with lots of drugs and specialists. But the last time I felt this depressed, I only got through it becuase of my now ex boyfriend, so I think if I went into anywhere, I don't think I'd ever come out, with nobody to love me like he did, and help me. When theres no light, theres no hope. Hes on the list. I told you, no ego, no fries, no self esteem left. The clever girl in me would remain in stone cold silence, maintaining her diginity. She wouldn't have begged him back like I have done, or phone him up every day (well, Suday, Monday Tuesday) to ask why, even though she knows why. She would find a way of getting on with her life. But the clever girl doesn't exist. only the stupid girl, who can't cope with such a problem to solve. I loved him, and I love him, and I miss him, and I feel like someone has pulled my entire body into tiny little peices and is burning each part, bit by bit. There is nobody who can help me at all, bcuase I have spoken to them all, all those I considered who might. I can barey sleep at night. Thats when the pain really strikes. Do you want to know what it feels like? A slow, cruel, evil torture. I can tell myself, and my friends, all day long, that I'm ok, I can tell everyone that. And generally, every day, I am so strong. But at night, I crumble, and I hope for exhaustion to take me quickly into sleep, and I hope to be too tired to dream, becuase I can't escape my dreams and nightmares easily. And when I can't sleep, or when I wake up, like I have done now, thats when the problems are. You know I'm writing this at 5:41am. I wish I could escape it all, escape my feelings. But the last three years have turned me into who I am, how can I escape that? And Mark, he was the love of my life, the only bloke I have ever trully loved, and cherished, and he was my soul mate and my best friend, I don't care if hes reading this, becuase its stuff I told him when we were together anyway. I wanted to propose to him, and I had worked out all the details as well, the ring especially, wwas going to be red gold. he was the only man I ever really trusted, who Icould look at, and feel so complete with, the only person I could be with and not feel inclined to hide up my body in case he saw the wobbly bits or th extra white bits, or the saggy bits, or the hairy bits I hadn't had chance to de-hair. I knew he would never eye up slimmer girls than me, becuase he would look at me, as he drove me around, and I'd see him stealing glimpses, and he'd smile and tell me I was pretty. And all the things we did, and said, and how he would want a hug when I got up out of bed to go to the shower after a lie in. or tickling me. Or calling me a wierdo becuase of the thing I did with my toes and the duvet. Playing his guitar for me. listeing to music together, because I've never met anyone with as much in common as we had, especially music, there was no trying to impress each other, becuase we knew what the other liked, and I knew when it came to music, I could always trust his judgement. And I've lost that. I've lost my soul mate, the man I loved and adored and the man who made me feel complete. Now I feel like every cell has been amputated from my body and scattered, and is being picked at by seagulls. And quite frankly, if I don't ge one chance at sleep, within the next twenty four hours, without the dreams where I'm on the phone trying to call him and beg him to come back to me, then I don't know what to do. People say take it step by step, day by day. Well, I've broken it down even further and am taking it second by second. You know my laptop is covered in splodges of tears right now. I am sitting, in my brothers room, on a dining room chair, with my legs tucked under me and a duvet wrapped around my arms and back and shoulders, wearing a sky blue t shirt with groovy chick on it and matching bottoms in a darker blue. My fringe has parted, and moved into the waves of my hair, so it doesn't look like I have a fringe. my eyes are tiny little pinpricks, surrounded by pink, puffy wet flesh where my tears have been pouring along. its daylight outside, my toes are cold becuase the central heating is yet to come on. I thought the idea was that I'd get better, not worse. but its not happening. I think I'm reversing into hell instead of driving out slowly in first gear. I really need to pass my drivers test, and get my gears sorted out. My hair smells nice, I bought some tony and guy stuff at the weekend from boots on special offer. The shampoo and the conditioner weren't as great as they should be at �4.49, not in comparrison to pantene pro v, but the blow dry stuff was good, and left my hair shiny. and smelly, in a nice hairdresser smelly way. i had to change my password on my e mail accounts after my (now ex) boyfriend cracked them, and read things he shouldn't have. If I had made them harder, perhaps I wouldn't be single. If I had behaved myself in the first place and not gone developing crushes on other people, maybe he wouldn't have found anything to dump me over. Do you think "legalman" was too easy really? Don't even try it- i've changed them now. I didn't mean to have a crush on someone else. It was just someone who was paying me some attention and taking an innocent friendly interest in me, that made me think he was cute, while my boyfriend and I had taken each other for granted, and allowed everything with the exception of sex to go stale. I think last time we had problems in our love life, it was the sex that was first to dive bomb. So I think my method of thinking was: save the sex, and everything else will follow suit. If anyone else is in a rough patch in their relationship- it doesn't work. its so odd, I thought I'd be the strong one out of all of this. but I'm not.I'm making a right pigs ear out of myself, and makin a complete fool of myself too. All the things, all the things I said I wouldn't do, all the things I have done. 23 and I have lost all my dignity, self respect, pride, and any respect I am sure from anyone who ever knew me, becuase i'm not strong, I'm feeling very very weak, and pathetic, and i just want to hibernate until all my feelings have washed out of my system. There is nothing left of me not really, except for the following: two eyes (severe water damage) mouth (in desperate need of a little tlc) two saggy breasts (too much chocolate) two legs (may need to be trimmed- sightly overgrown hair thing going on) two lungs (functioning- but have been juttering for the past few days, on account of crying and the convulsions of sobs) one heart (broken beyond repair- irreplaceable) liver (alcohol free for five days) hair (thick, dark, glossy, manageable, shiny, looking great.) All available on a second hand rate. its 6:10 am. I've had about an hours sleep all night. I might wander out to the shop in a bit. if only I knew what to do now, and how to cope. I just wish he hadn't phoned me back after being a drunken idiot- I was doing so well when i could blame him. Instead, now he is being reasonable, I'm adapting the role of the idiot and my feelings are all over the place. must think: cool ice maiden... cool ice maiden.... cool ice maiden... not : ice cream guzzling incoherent blubbing emotional wreck Bridget Jones style loser. walkies. LATERS Idles (and her duvet) xxx ===== http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/corduroysmoke and the world did get covered in a thick haze of corduroy smoke. And it felt good. __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Yahoo! Movies - coverage of the 74th Academy Awards� http://movies.yahoo.com/ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+