Dear Sinister [These days last year] I wasnt exactly this day, the same week either, but more or less. I was just back from the Christmas and the New Year eve holidays spent back where I was born and grew up. Before leaving this country I wasnt sure I were going to get back permanently, or either move back so-called-home. Ive never missed so-called-home really. It might be due to the fact Ive never really felt it as it were my home. I hade to make a choice, and for sort of puzzling it might have been, and for how undecided I might have been, at last I listened to the mermaid singing, and pointing towards this place, telling it was the safe shore I could finally call home. The shore wasnt safe, I think, but I was prepared to ignore the warning. And I wanted to be brave, for once, in my life. Forget about the past, forget about everything, choke it into the rubbish bin, turn the page, or keep on writing a paragraph which sounded so much better then anything elses been written before. But sometimes happen p! eople turn the page for you, might want it or not, and theres nothing much to do then start to write a new one. If one is strong enough. Or simply put down the pen. The memory will shine. Eventually. These days, last year, Ive noticed that people working with me, in the same building was actually glad to see me wondering around the hallways eating pencils and mumbling to myself. Sort of unpleasant behaviors I still find hard to get rid of. It must have been these days, we all went down to pub, just be nearby channel, another of my favorite wondering location when it is not pouring rain, (Im actually wondering Im employed for wondering around) and they were all cheering up because I have decided to stay in the country. I wouldnt have expected that. Which proves even further more I lack any sort of sensibility for what is going on around me. It made me feel like I were really finally home, and I was right to listen to mermaids and that I had possibly done one of the best things in my life. I think I did. Anyway. I wish thing might have looked clearer in my heart sooner. Not even that. I wish I could have washed my fears away earlier. Strangely enough we ended up in t! he same place, same people, same random talks, a few days ago. And it all seemed so surreal. With this people, who I came to know better, as much as they have come to know me better, and felt like a total stranger. So the same question again, is this my home? [Sitting in the pub with Nobel prices] Someway that reminded me of a something happened a few months ago, and, such a bizarre circumstance, it also involved having some pints in the pub. With Nobel prices. Not that many, two. And one stayed barely for a single drink. Know it can sound strange. But dont even think I am a sort of well know personality in the field I am. Actually people wont even bother to cite any of my paper, for what It matters. Actually most of the other people there on that days were quite well known in the field, as opposite to me. But, good enough to be in Lundun, a few students were allowed to take part in this sort of round table, about weirdy thing I wont bother you about that is fairly irrelevant anyway. I havent been much into what I am doing for a while, But I cant think at any other job that I can do and that I would enjoy more, so I spend my day fuffing around and often being in the library, taking a nap or reading about something completely irrelevant to my job. No worries I have not such great result. Anyway, one day, I clearly realized that my career was of completely uninteresting to me, in reality. Is just about transient satisfaction which fades too soon nothing worth, I think, now, spending a life on and had a few meters from me, these people, having gained a Nobel price, still wanting to talk about which experiments to do to prove this and that, and how this guy was right and the other wrong and blah blah blah I was just drowning my drink trying to look at the bottom of their eyes, if they really meant that or if it had become a sort of mechanical maniac habit. They didnt seem to have any shine in their smile. I think they are not too dissimilar to me at the end of the day. It made me feel better. When we left the pub and had Chinese food. Take away. Nice. [White rabbits, White heath] At this time, last year, Ive also learnt that the new month is introduced by white rabbits. When I worked in the nuclear station we use to say that the rabbits were glowing at night. And someone claimed he could really see them glowing in spring. I suppose he was just a bit too enthusiastic about the effect that, some of them rather old, nuclear reactor would so on living things, including us, working within the barbwire fence. Ive never seen them glow, but must admit I have seen then become many, with fluffy jumpy little cottoned things jumping all around the field some season. I guess they dont give a damn about the uranium pile next too them, and would rather be busy in more entertaining activity which would lead them to a quite fast expansion of the species. Must admit that how exactly they do that, is still quite a matter pretty obscure to me. But guess I got it. In theory. Might be if they get too enthusiastic, they glow then. Chewing pencil could be nice. Got a new blackboard in my office, Im very proud off. And Ive already half filled with trigonometric function with imaginary arguments. Nice. But I am stacked there. Might go for wonder. Yours, rather steady, Stefano #~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~# When you sleep do you see an angel in dying light Or can you see someone standing outside trying to set you alight Or maybe you've seen someone somewhere before that I might have loved if i'd never loved you but you only see me in bad dreams +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. 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