Hello Sinister! This morning I woke up knowing that another girl is asleep in my boyfriend's bed next to him. And it's my birthday... I am trying to not be "the girl" about it, you know? Jealous and suspicious...but i think I have a right to be. This said girl asleep next to the boyfriend is actually his ex girlfriend. They are good friends. I can't deny him that. She's been here since Friday and I haven't met her. Part of me wants to, but part of me doesn't. Maybe I give him too much power over me. He is very young, only 18. He is going through an intense art school and it's his first time at college and living on his own. He keeps me at arm's length a lot because he is afraid of falling in love and being distracted from his work. My mind is telling me that I'm an idiot and I shouldn't have gotten this far into it. My heart is telling me that he's special and I just need to be patient. And then my mind scolds my heart for being so naive and that there is NO WAY this is going to work out. See, the thing is, if I were 18 too, I would be FLIPPED OUT over this ex girlfriend thing. I would be HATING HIM. How dare he allow her to come to visit over MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND!!! But now that I'm in my mid-twenties, I see that he has no control over these things. Especially because he's 18. I think I am learning, the hard way, the process of the male mind. And he tells me that I always know what he's thinking, that I can see down to the core of him. It bothers him. It bothers me today because if I truly know what he's thinking then this situation with his ex girlfriend is not as innocent as it seems. I think he wants something to happen between them. We're supposed to see Ivy play tonight. He *forgot* and made plans to meet with his cousin about a project they're working on. He changed his meeting with his cousin, but GOD, he didn't even have it on his mind that it is my birthday and we made plans for this 2 months ago! Now he's saying he'll bring his friend along. I told him that he doesn't have to go with me. But he says he wants to, but I told him to call me when he figures it out. And so far, no call. I think I'd rather go alone. I don't want it to be tense and be this THING and I'm a little bit afraid I might act like a big bitch. It's just so weird to think that less than a month ago, everything was good, we danced onstage with Belle & Sebastian together! I felt like we were...I dunno...grate together. Even Stuart noticed. This is a wake up call for me. it's not easy to admit when something that you want to work out so badly is just not going to. THIS IS MY WEEKEND DAMNIT!!!! Last night as I drove up Highland Ave in Hollywood, on my way home from a club that I went to by myself, I decided that I will go to this show tonight by myself as well. Colin in Lexington is brave enough to move to Chicago by himself, so I can certainly go out on my own. Besides, if I don't get out there I'll never meet any nice boys... It just reminds me of a Morrissey line "You are repressed, but you're remarkably dressed" and I will be smartly dressed, after all. so... That's my story. I know this is long, but I just have a couple other things to talk about. here's something I like to call **************DIDN'T CHU KNOW************** It's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved Red Bull... And in !Viva Rachels! news, Rachel Sunset, who I will aptly call Rachel Sunny Side Up in accordance with our breakfast theme, has just announced that she is in fact a sinister spy. That would explain why she has used the name Rachel, she thought she's just slip right into the ranks...and a fine plan it was... There are 5 of us now? I think we have enough Rachels to challenge the list Williams to a "battle of Wills". What that entails is another matter altogether. Maybe some other Rachel or William listees have some ideas? Or any non-rachel or non-william listees, feel free to give us suggestions! What do you think Rachels Cornflake, Grape-nut (hey Rachel Grape, please e-mail me!), Archel Toast, Rachel Sunny Side Up? Did I miss anyone? I'd like to tell Will, JenOwl, Kirsten and Astrid that your posts are...well, grate. I really enjoyed them, so thank you. The Boy Colin sent me the most adorable presents and a mix cd that is superb. He is a sweetheart. I'm so lucky to have friends like him and all the rest of you sinisterines!! (that means you, too, Elise!) And one more thing. I think we've sort of passed over the fact that Belle & Sebastian did a cover of BILLIE JEAN!!!! Where was that? Seattle? WHY do they rock my world so!!!? I wish I could have seen and heard that. I'm off to get smartly dressed for the Ivy show... Love to all of you, Rachel the Crazy Smartly Dressed Fruitloop __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Listen to your Yahoo! Mail messages from any phone. http://phone.yahoo.com +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+