How not to write a sinister post 1. Sit yourself down at a state of the art computer. 2. Twiddle your thumb a bit realising that with a thumb so small, there's nothing else to do. 3. Make mental (no really) note to self that constantly referencing B&S lyrics for a hobby is sad. 4. Decide to write a sinister post because you're bored. 5. Start the whole thing by thinking of a witty B&S song title pun. 6. Fail, and shout to yourself "I DON'T HAVE ANYPUNS". 7. Pose, whilst a thought bubble with a lightbulb on it appears over your head - and then exclaim "Eureka!" in a really patronising voice. (in Ken's case speak normally) 8. Put that down as your subject line. 9. Copy what someone else has written, and then change it slightly to make it seem as if you are remotely witty, and highly original. 10. Try and at least think of contents, or at least something that someone said on the list so you can reply to it and make everything suddenly seem relevant. 11. Remember that it is Monday morning and you're at work, you had 5 hours sleep last night and thus has a memory block. 12. Sign off, giving shouts out to everyone that you want to get into the pants of, then realise that that list would get too long and a few people would still be left out and thus not sleep with you. 13. Remembering that it is ok, because they wouldn't sleep with you anyway. 14. Give shouts out to your elbow, who is a fine kisser, despite being so untouchable - to you, but not to everyone else. 15. Story of your life. 16. Be glad that by merely trying to sign off you have put in some mandatory moaning about no-one you like falling in love with you contents. 17. Get sacked for doing no work at work. 18. Plot a career as a modern artist after being inspired by the Turner Prize winner last night which was "a light that goes on and off" - which was the best piece of modern arts you've ever seen, although "a pile of shit" by T.A. Lentless came close. 19. Feel relieved that you haven't actually been sacked, and so celebrate with a speech in the style of David Beckham at Sports Personality of the Year awards 2001: "like, I'd like to obviously thank everybody, like, obviously, my mum and dad and my two sisters and my whole family, like, obviously I'd also obviously like to like thank all my teammates and my manager, like obviously and, like" 20. Write something about Red Bull. 21. Write down your name so people will avoid your e-mails the next time. Ken P.S.: 22. Have a PS section that says fuck all. _________________________________________________________________ Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+