halo i am juju... this is my first post :: i read his words this morning, and the air became heavier. it is thick and suffocating. who would think that air could suffocate you.. just one day, and all our lives were altered. that was when the heaviness really began. and it has lasted this long. a broken heart takes time to heal, but the time that keeps passing me by is fleeting, not healing. it is taking, not giving. it is flirting, but never willing to stick around. i want to embrace it. we saw b&s together one loverly night last month. i took him backstage, and we were too shy to meet the band. i was giddy just to be with him. our mutual heroes seemed to fade in the distance whilst we had each other to gaze upon... he wanted to *talk*.. so we stayed up till 4am. then we found a hotel and slept for a few hours. he clammed up- kept in his shell with his secret-- till morning. then he said he was in love with me.. he said he drove from new york to californ-i-ay listening to one of my songs and realized it.. and you'd think that's when everything would get better... but i only remember crying the rest of the day. because he doesn't want it. he wants to follow his bliss and fly and sail and run run run, 'anywhere but here' he says.. anwhere.. and i can't get it out of my mind that it would be nicest to have somebody to come home to and share that bliss with-- you know, at the end of the day, once you've had enough of the dream chasing.. but this one, he is strange. so we laid on the grass by the exploratorium, took pictures of swans, watched the sun set, caught another b&s show.. i cried and kissed his cheek good-bye.. all the time, i wasn't understanding how or why.. or what came next.. what do i do now? we've come so close, and yet he is still turning away. ? ....he calls me an angel. he swoons to music i write (he is my muse..). he takes my breath away whenever i see him.. which is not often, for he lives a few hours away.. we meet at shows in the city. we dance like geeks in the crowd together. then we part, only to rejoin later in cyberspace (he's here now)... he is everything to me. it looks like the perfect situation, but it is so far out of reach... and this week he may lose his job, and i may never see him again, for he will do drastic things like sell his scooters and fly away-- and i will be left here :: just juju. at sigur ros, my little friend fainted. he carried her. got her food and water, and she kept warm in his coat. i felt his gaze on me the entire show. he told me later that i was glowing. are these not things that would make us closer? but we are still as far apart as ever.. i wonder why we met then? i wonder why one day i rode behind him on his scooter, while the sunlight washed over my smiling countenance and i felt happiness for the first time in ages.. i saw things clearly.. my life changed... i wonder why it had to be him that made that happen.. i wonder why he would come into me like a bolt, and then just disapear without a sound. i wonder why music is as powerful as it is. that we both sat as silent as statues when stuart sang /you made me forget my dreams/.. i wonder what will happen to my life once he has gone.. i wonder if i can ever hear /we rule the school/ again without sobbing. i wonder if we're all just foxes in the snow, and we're about to disappear... ? juju and her dream of rockets ps no matter what happens, i cna never hear the b&s cds the same way again.. it was so overwhelmingly gorgeous live, that it is a dull comparison now.. stu's voice was golden. stevie was a doll. and i will never forget... _________________________________________________________________ Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+