'Dear Isobel My love for you is like the rocks beneath - permanent and' no, too forward, and a little cliched... 'Dear Isobel Something in the way you move, attracts me like no other lover' no, she's bound to know where that came from.... Oh, hello, I mean Good afternoon mortals and fellow listees. My name is Peter. I am an Angel of the Lord, and I live in Heaven. Of which, the less said the better. I'm a very busy man, you know. Although, technically, I'm not actually a man, but I'm not explaining that here, it would take too long and there are things I'd get Thrown Out of the Up Above for divulging. And life on earth isn't fun for a disinherited angel. Generally, the Big Guy turns you into some freak before he sends you Down Here and you have to spend the rest of Eternity with people backing away from you with Miffy handbags over their noses. So don't ask me, because I won't tell you. And anyway, I don't have time to explain. I'm down here on a Mission. I need to seek out the woman you call Isobel Campbell, for she is the next Prophet of the Lord and must be informed of this Divine Providence. Okay, so that's a lie. Angels don't tell lies. I've been here on this Earth too long already. Before long, I'll start wanting to fuck, and that causes all sorts of problems. Especially when, technically, you aren't actually a man. Although some people go for that, but I don't have time to tell you about them. The reason I have to find Isobel Campbell is...... is.......... I don't know. I can't explain it. I just have to find her. I have to talk to her, to hear her voice, to tell her of these strange feelings she inspires, or regret it for the Rest of Eternity. You see, I saw a picture of her, on this lad's computer, in a dark town in the middle of England - "that's Isobel Campbell -- you should go to Scotland and fall in love with her" he said. yeah, that's what he said, and he didn't think about how much trouble it would cause me. He just said it, and went back to playing with himself. I'm in Cambridge. I know she's here. I found a library round the back of the SitNWiggle Club in a small town in Scotland, and I looked at a machine, and i found this:
Administration and Support in the Department of Applied Economics
Isobel Campbell-Stewart Librarian Bella.Campbell-Stewart@econ.cam.ac.uk
What is a Stewart Librarian? Do they, like other librarians, always keep their word? How do I introduce myself to her? I've met a few great writers in my time, and I'm looking to them for inspiration. What would Billy Shakespeare have said? 'Dear Isobel Will these hands ne'er be clean?' No, utterly inappropriate. Fucking hell, what's the good of hanging out with lots of dead people if you don't LEARN anything from them? 'cept I don't really get to hang out with them, I'm too busy manning the entrance. Keeping the likes of Russell Grant away from people who don't want to be bothered by some camp old blerter. Then there's Michael Aspel, always after new material for that programme of his. Bloody persistent he is, too. I've threatened him with fire and brimstone many times but he just laughs and adjusts his never-changing hair. Once, I let him speak to Eamonn Andrews and -- enough. There's nothing, there's nothing I can think of to say to her..Aldous Huxley would have thought of something... but Aldous isn't here. Never there, friends, when you want them. Always bothering you at other times, asking you metaphysical questions, thinking you know the answer to everything just because you live in a super-enlightened realm.. I tell him, I say "Aldous, I didn't MAKE the fucking place, I just have to look after it. Ask the big J, if he's out of the whorehouse this early.." Oh, you didn't hear me say that. I'll settle for something simple.. 'Isobel. You are the amniotic fluid in the womb of my universe, the placenta which feeds me, and sustains my rebirth. I dream of my existence brushing against yours, and holding it in communion for a moment or two. Yours Peter, St. (Divine Emissary)' There...that comes straight to the point, doesn't it? So, I drop this off at the University, give her some time to receive it and read it, I don't want to look too Mark Chapman - I spoke to John Lennon once and he says fans turning up unannounced is a REAL turn-off... play it a bit cool, go explore Cambridge for a bit. Somebody..... that E.M. Forster, I think once told me it was quite nice, 'part from all the sodomy...Odd he should say such a thing, once you get to know him. So, I go exploring, look around, find some pretty scenery, find some pretty buildings, find some pretty little short-skirted- no, Peter, you are an ANGEL. Give her some time, play it cool, look around. I phone the boy who showed me her photo: "I'm going to meet Isobel Campbell, how should I shape my appearance?" "Look, I can't talk now, the postman has just delivered some letters and I'm OHHH that's good" "Don't fuck with me, boy" I tell him, I shout, and I put on my Voice Of The Heavens (similar to Voice Of The Beehive only a lot deeper and without the harmonies. Oh and scary as a fuck of a fuck being fucked) and I roar "Don't fuck with me, boy..." "I'm not, I'm fucking with----" "JUST TELL ME" "Oh, I don't know. She likes twee shite, from what I can tell. Try and look like a Hello Kitty pencil case" I hang up on the fucker. I'll remember this, I'll write it in my Holy Ten Centuries To A Page Diary when I get back Up Above. Make sure he's housed in the Barracks with Mary Whitehouse. Get him peeling carrots. See if he gets time to fuck THEN. If I can't do it, I don't see why every self-important little bastard should- A Hello Kitty Pencil Case, then? I cover myself in pink fluff and draw on a few blue whiskers. Give her time, play it cool. I wait thirty seconds and I go to meet her. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+