i apologize for this in advance.. i don't how to start, but i went google and wrote his (ex again!!) lastname on it, then i saw his little broher's name in it as he had taken part at this GO game happening thing, so i thought i see his picture, but HE the ex was in it too. smiling happily, and the happening thing was in my hometown.. and to this day i've been worrying how he was doing, and apparently he is fine, and i'm still in this bluddy shape. pretending to be over it. i'm just shaking and feel like crying. i just wanted to get confirmation that what happened was right and justified that he was doing so badly that we couldn't be together and he needed time for himself, but i can't help thinking that it was just because of me that i just made him miserable. what if i do that to everyone, what if everyone has to seek psychiatric help after being with me? i never wanted to make him feel so sick, never ever, but i did. and i hate myself for not being able to forget him, and hate myself for whining about it. why can't i just let him go! i hate myself for crying after seeing a picture of him. i was just searching info about this exam i'm about to have in couple of hours, it's about philosophy and science and i can't go to the exam, not after this, cos i'm about to start crying more and it's easy to hide behind this computer, and i don't have enough hankerchiefs to blow my bluddy nose. that fucking picture is in my head and i see him and i don't know whether there was some sort of remark about the photographer (a girl) and him like they'd have something going on. but it's just that he was here in this town and i wish he would've let me known, even if we would've not met, but still. and just lately i've been thinking about the things he said when we really broke up, when he didn't answer my phone calls, he said that too many things disappointed him, and i think i know some of the reasons, but too many; like there'd be immense amount of things that i did wrong or wasn't capable of doing. today i went to this department store to see what kind of after shaves they have, cos i'm buying some for my dad as a christmas present, so they had this 'live jazz' that was his scent. so now i have little bit of it on this piece of paper and i've been smelling it every now and then today, and it maked me feel safer like there'd be something still going on, but now i know there isn't. i'm not going to get even merry christmas from him not even on a text message. i'd love to bang my head on the wall, and i'd love to scream and to cry, and swear loudly, and pull my hair. i thought i was getting over him, i thought i wouldn't feel like this. it'll be a year now in what 10 days.. i'd like to get drunk as well, but then when i've got a hangover everything feels so much worse. all those fucking latin sentences nihil difficil amante or something, he knew all those, and i only knew few of them and he wondered how i knew so little. fuck latin and philosophy, fuck school and bloody universities i'm just so tired of it and this. i look like a mess, running red nose and swollen red eyes. thinking of chocolate chip cookies used to make me feel better, but i just couldn't care less, i just want to smoke and drink, and that exam: 2 hours left, but i just can't do it, i don't even know where to go, where i'd feel better. i can't help wondering whether am i just so self-centered that seeing him smiling made me feel this bad? i feel like throwing up when thinking about that picture of him smiling at the camera. feeling so much better without me. i'm sorry for this and all the swearing. please, don't hate me for whining, and having a crappy self-esteem. i just needed to write. me __________________________________________________ Do you Yahoo!? Yahoo! Mail Plus - Powerful. Affordable. Sign up now. http://mailplus.yahoo.com +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+