I find myself content in life but not the living of it I find myself satisfied to be alive if thats putting it a little strongly alive live lives live life its difficult talking to a friend this evening I said that it seems my goal in life is to reach a point where I can stay in bed all the time he asked about achievement I said I really believed that I used to yearn for he said I can't have lost it already and I said it definitely felt like I have I have it too easy and that makes me want it even easier is the problem I realise make it hard for me I cant seem to do it myself shut up I feel like daniel quinn having trained myself to sleep and wake for fifteen minutes intervals except mine are fifteen hour intervals Ive forgotten why or even if I actually thought it was the best way to work Ive forgotten why or even if I actually came here what I was supposed to be doing one day I'll realise what it was and that it is no longer possible and give up like beyond this given up or maybe I wont maybe I havent actually given up maybe Ive just stopped pushing ahead for this while I just need a new start not a head start not a start somewhere else just a start I need to create one I thought Id have a start last week I had a surprise but no start I need a start and no surprise every week I think that maybe I can start next week and its just week week week week week I am so weak and of course it is no ones fault but mine for letting myself slip to begin with from making the choices that led me to be able to let myself be able to slip it has been a while which makes it more difficult but that too is my fault I need to make a decision a point and stick and begin begin again to work I find myself content in life. but not the living of it. I need, at least, happiness in life and contentment in its living. and, perhaps, I can get them from just beginning to live. properly. OK. - we are so glad I hate the idea of weblogs. - last month: happy birthday carey, happy birthday kate, happy birthday dimitra. this month: happy birthday lucy. - I promise to post something properly stupid if not contentious next time. love, richard xx __________________________________________________ Yahoo! Plus For a better Internet experience http://www.yahoo.co.uk/btoffer +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+