hello sinister. i thought the other day that it had been a while since i posted. not a particularly long or short while, but a while. and so. i wrote. and then, in the grand tradition of writing on days when the writing starts out shitty and gets to feeling quite sweet at the end, i lost the post to the abyss of lost emails behind the door that is actually a page saying 'not found.' perhaps it was the command that was not found. but maybe it didn't send because the purpose wasn't found. most days i myself am not found, and if i am, if the purpose is, i know all the satisfaction and anticipation of the closed door that is actually a page saying 'message sent.' i have been spending too much time in #sinister of late. i have started to remember again when i first stumbled into sinister, pink and dewy with newness and feeling like that kid with whom nobody ever asks to play four square. the kid who, eventually, after watching the somebodies toss one of those red or yellow textured playground balls around for awhile, watches a bounced ball smack her in the face. i was always that kid. once, i junior high, someone threw a basketball at my head during p.e. i got hit. my glasses flew off, promptly breaking into two multi-colored pieces, and i got to go home because i couldn't see. but i could hear. now, i feel like the kid who got to the coveted red playground ball first, and some days i can't decide toward which of the people outside my square i'd like to chuck the ball. and some days, that feeling makes me feel mean, but then i leave the computer lab and fall down on the way to my car, and watch and listen to a university parking meter man double over in laughter as i slowly pick myself up off the dirt, brush myself off and get in my car. and while i take down my hadicapped parking pass so that i can see through the windsheild properly to drive, i feel sorry for the meter man because his car is idling while he writes tickets, and his radio is blasting creed. for that man, the message and all commands will always be 'not found.' and i wish i would have said something. i wish i would have said 'merry christmas' or 'happy hanukkah' or 'fuck you.' and thinking of that makes me think that maybe, this year, in america, there is no difference between the three of those sayings. i would have meant any one of them as the last, but maybe every american wants them all, in some way, to mean the last. and maybe that's why in a year where it doesn't feel like christmas and where there has been but one dusting of snow, there have been a multitude of home-sponsored light shows, featuring santa and jesus and a big twinkling american flag. that laughing parking attendant and those kids that throw playground balls at each other have rallied patriotism and love and american family values and strung them all up in 500 feet of green wire and light bulbs, hoping to shadow the simple truth that they are only scared and lost and hoping to get back to something they cannot name so that they may first end the in-house war. you can't take the stars from the sky to light your trees, and i have the right to burn the stars on the flag. and the little kids who started out inside the square become the man who will laugh at the crippled people who don't look like cripples, and the little kids who stood outside of the square become the cripples who learn how to walk. and one day they all learn how to say 'fuck you' in a multitude of beautiful and diverse ways. i am still not found. the message is still not found. maybe #sinister is just a place to hide after all, a playground of sorts for the people whose glasses have broken in two pieces. well then. happy christmas. war is well. war is. lindseylou ______________________________________________________________________________ Send a friend your Buddy Card and stay in contact always with Excite Messenger http://messenger.excite.com +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+