while communication can be so powerful, I can't say my own communications are entirely meaningful. my whole life, the things i think about are irrelevant to me. Spend ten hours a day trying to look busy, another 2 in traffic. My evenings and weekends are escapes for me. I feel human again, then. But even then, i don't say anything. I mean really say anything. I lead a secret life at work, full of emails from sweet people and music that my workplace laughs at secretly, uncomprehending. British pop, Brazilian music are escapes for me, partially because they aren't inspired by the things of America's heartland. And I'm at war with America's heartland and all it stands for ... I put the jeepster jpeg of that painting of two kittens at a lady's breast on my desktop (is that the tigermilk cover or a winner in a contest? it wasn't clear) and one of the girls made an exclamation of disgust, how sick the picture was. meanwhile, she spends time laughing at pornographic fetishy images and retards. She's going to the jimmy Buffet concert tonight. A nice girl for all that. When you're constantly a fish out of water, one needs a secret life, observant, half-dream, clear-eyed. But it makes me quiet, and unwilling to share or develop my true self. perhaps i should be braver, but courage without reason is just foolish aggression, and I have yet to create my mission. Cynthia "Don't wait for it," I said. "Create a world, your world. Alone. Stand alone. Create. and then the love will come to you, then it comes to you. It was only when I wrote my first book that the world I wanted to live in opened to me." --anais nin ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list please mail "sinister@majordomo.net". To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to "majordomo@majordomo.net". For list archives and searching, list rules, FAQ, poor jokes etc, see http://www.majordomo.net/sinister +---+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" +---+ +-+ "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list" +-+ +----------------------------------------------------------------------+