dear sinister my day so far has gone from normal to different events and perhaps all these events are truly mundane but for some beautiful reason my mind has likened to the habit of turning common events into romantic idealisms and destperate cries for help muffled in pure desire to survive in a shallow world of hello's and good-bye's. i woke up to the anticipated beeping of my alarm across the room, walked over to it and as i clicked the "off" switch i heard my lips whisper, "goddamn". i remembered as soon as i heard myself utter this word that i had just been to the candle-light service at church not even 12 hours before that. monday started and i was already a sinner...all at quarter to 7 in the morning. i showered in half-conciousness and threw on some clothes, my backpack, and jammed my headphones into my ears. as i started out on my 15-minute stroll to my 8 a.m. class, beth orton wailed something about how my eyes were cinnamon...it was just then that i opened my eyes for the first time and saw the gray sky lift all the green from the lawns on campus up in laud and honor. the sun wasn't shining at all, but the earth seemed to be aware of all the warmth that lied beneath it. i arrived at class on time, but the professor never showed. i felt like a third-grader again, as if it were a friday and it was my birthday and the clock had just struck 2:50 in the afternoon. when i realized the professor wasn't coming, i found it ironic how much more awake i became. my next class started an hour and a half later. i was to give a presentation with my group on computers and their history. if you're looking for a subject to present that sounds like it could be interesting but when you get down to it is one of the most mundane to hear about, talk about computers and their development. my focus was the 1960's and 1970's. the girl before me, speaking from 1945-1959, was simply dragging herself through her part of the presentation and as the class was trying to decide whether or not to even try to give a damn, i heard thoughts run back and forth in my head---like restless rowdy children---all of them laughing and screaming, "1959! quick! hurry! aw man, you're still talking about 1946! c'mon 1959!" and when she finally said, "then in 1959...", all the thoughts of my mischievous id yelled in unison, "Thank God for 1959!" and i lost it. i just burst out in laughter. loud and uncontrolled laughter. it took me a whole minute to apologize up and down and compose myself. i was next to present afterall. the laughter isn't completely my fault. it's who i am. when i was 7 years old i used to be sent out in the hallway at school for laughing in class---untamed laughter that came from nowhere-- -nothing was funny---but the punishment seemed even funnier. picture yourself walking down a long hallway of an elementary school in the mountains of north carolina---none of this inner- city shit---and at the end of the hall is this little girl sitting outside a closed doorway, laughing nonstop for 10 minutes. ...yeah...it's just who i am. so after my presentation in class i went to the union for a jalapeno cheese bagel and a cup of rasberry yogurt. i returned to my apartment and sat at my desk to begin brainstorming for my china research paper due this thursday. you don't have to be a genius to bullshit, but i've found that even this genius has procrastinated too long to reap what could have been some exceptional fruit. i think it's just another one of those lessons that i need to ponder and realize is a lesson to learn from before i find that i've become an irresponsible adult---or before i find that i've become an adult period. (is this still adolescence? am i still in the same category as a 12 year old even at age 21?) maybe. well, no. aw fuck if i know. proceeding... i called laura up and asked how her trip to boston went this weekend, how things went with the boy in boston. the conversation made me sleepy, at one point i even closed my eyes. she was sick with a stomach ache the whole time. her delirium was still at high tide and her voice traversed through the curly phone cord like a slowly restricting boa constrictor around my neck. my breathing slowed and her creeping voice lulled into a lullabye. i tried to respond as much as i could to reassure her i was still listening. she was telling me of rain and messes and naps and more messes and more rain. when she finished, i told her to have a good day. we hung up and i laid on my simple bed for a 20-minute cat-nap of dreams of sunnier days and all the vines my heart will swing from when my friend comes and visits me next week on his way to montana. not too much longer thereafter, i went to work, where i'm at now actually, and to my surprise i was sent to wash dishes. i went from professor's student aide to dishwasher. it was a switch i suppose. there had been a luncheon and somebody forgot the fact that paper plates are available at the local grocery store. oh well. we saved a tree...i think. after the dishes were washed i was allowed to go back to the usual---the dreaded---work i'm usually assigned. i made about a million copies with colored paper. the secretaries in the next room were speaking in low voices of aggravation and gossip about the higher-ups. they despised my presence just as they would have anybody's at the time but hey i was just doin my job, ladies. usually the copier machine is the Bitch of the Year---as i'm sure if any of you have ever done office work you know this is always the case. but this time around, i knew i had a million copies to make and knew that if anything fucked up i'd have to ask for assistance from the jealousy-ridden secretaries in the next room. so i took a deep breath in and exhaled quietly from partially separated lips. i put both hands on the machine and practiced zazen. over and over i repeated the thought, "be one with the machine..." i made sure that the machine took after me though, and that i did not blend into its qualities. the work was done beautifully and once again, zen saved the day. peace and love ---your mountain mama sweetheart X "The differences between what you hope for and what you end up receiving are part of what makes the outside, the hoped for, worthwhile...and beautiful." ---the Lovely Lou http://www.care2.com - Get your Free e-mail account that helps save Wildlife! +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. 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