how i feel: i *love* him. i feel this emptiness inside because im not with him all the time, just in my chest, quite central, just where the ribcage seperates. it's like a void, pulling every part of me into it. and it doesnt go when im with him. he does make me happy, but it hurts like fuck to be with him, but not *with* him. what i want: i want him to feel the same, for him to love me, and not in the way i already know he does. in the 'true love stars' way. i want him to *love* me. i want to hold him. i want to wake up next to him. i want him to be the first thing i see in the morning, every morning. i want to fall asleep in his arms. i want him to fall asleep in mine. i want to watch him as he sleeps. i want him to be happy. i think about him all the time. i see him when he's not there. i always think that that's him walking across the road, or his voice i hear on the tv. i can't get him out of my head. his love is all i think about. but i'm pretty sure he doesn't. feel the same. i'm pretty sure he knows what i shall be telling him tomorrow. and i'm pretty sure i know what he will say. he'll say he loves me, but not like that. and it's killing me. but i have to say it. i have to make him know exactly how i feel. so he isn't left with some random drunken shouty emotion i hurled at him last week. i have to articulate what i feel. how i feel. i blame her. i had to run into her at the weekend. unrequited love follows me around. i know it. it dangles happiness in front of my face like a carrot, and then, just when im counting my chickens, it slams the door in my face. it's just that my heart is on the other side. and i'm fucked. about a year ago it was her turn, and now when someone else is getting their chance, she comes along to remind me about the last time. brilliant. (i dont blame her for him not loving me, i blame her for making me feel this way, right now. she was the 'trigger-age', as a good friend of mine once said. a catalyst is how normal people might describe it. the reminder of what happened last time is forcing me into action this time around, fruitless though it may be.) im not blaming either of them. it's not their fault that i fall in love with people who don't love me. she has been a bitch to me, but not because she didnt love me. she managed to bugger up our friendship in many other ways. she's multi-talented. how likely is it that we're going to find *love*, anyway. to find someone for whom you would give up your soul. and then for them to feel the same. at the same time. under the same circumstances. this is why people settle. they can't face a lifetime alone, so they be with people they know they don't *love* with true-love-stars. i couldn't ever do that, but hey, what do i know? im not in the most emotionally objective place right now. drunk on romance. and sorrow. it's just that i can't imagine being with someone for whom i feel any less than what i feel right now. does anybody think it's odd that the first person i fell in love with was a girl, then the next a boy? it feels totally fine to me, but i can see why it may sound odd. cos it does sound odd. but it was the same situation both times. they were friends first and foremost. good friends. the issue of sex/gender/sex only entered into it when the emotion was there. i don't think this comes under the term bisexuality though. it might just be me, but that word seems to have connotations of extreme promiscuity, which is the total opposite of what i am describing. (apologies to anyone who does describe themselves as bisexual. it's the word i have a problem with, not the state of mind/person/sexuality/other. semantics, pah.) it's just the people i've fallen in love with. one girl, one boy. simple as that. "im not heterosexual, i'm not homosexual, i'm just sexual" "i don't like men, i don't like women, i like people. i *love* people" many apologies for this ramble. if you have read it all, many more apologies and heartfelt thanks. if anyone has anything to say before i meet him tomorrow, let me know. a different point of view would be nice. thanks again, michael.xx _________________________________________________________________ Send and receive Hotmail on your mobile device: http://mobile.msn.com +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. 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