Good evening, you're watching our exclusive new digital TV station, Sinister TV. All the news, views and reviews you need from our worldwide army of correspondents. Coming up: Peter Miller's documentary on the lives of lemurs, followed by Mark Casarotto in the new series of Queer As Folk. But now, it's over to James "Dancing" Hatcher in our sports studio for the big match: Rachel Rovers v Wills United. (Cue U2's Beautiful Day, to be played at least 20 times in the next half-hour) "Good evening, and welcome to the biggest match of the season so far. Rachel Rovers have won the league for the last two years now, since the untimely demise of Keith Athletic; but his year they face a new challenge, in the form of the rejuvenated Wills United. Let's get the views of our expert guest, none other than the legendary Pinefox." "Action. Competition. Smooth. Robust. Sense? Nonsense. Good game." "Thanks for those incisive comments. Now, without further ado, over to John Motson for commentary on this vital top-of-the-archives game, live from Honey's Bar." "Hello, and welcome to this seething cauldron, this theatre of drama, this temple of wonderment, this..." "Get on with it!" "Sorry James, got a bit carried away there. Anyway, We're here in the lounge area of Honey's Bar for this eagerly anticipated match-up. We've got a huge crowd of almost six. and they're - no, wait, here come the teams. First out are Rachel Rovers, led out by their captain, Archel Toast. They jog out to the centre of the Arena; there's star striker Rachel Fruitloop, Rachel Grapenut, Rachel Eggs and Bacon, and at the back their goalkeeper Rachel Haven't-Got-Time-For-Breakfast-Today-I'm-Late-For-Work. They'll be wearing their home strip today, pink and puce stripes with orange shorts, and the name of their sponsors Kelloggs on the front. "Next, here come Wills United. They're led out by Will Porter, just recovered from a cruciate ligament injury. No, I don't know what one of them is either, but someone in every sports team you ever see always seem to have injured theirs. Personally I reckon it's just an excuse because they're too hungover and can't be bothered to run about for an hour and a half. Anyway, there's the last few team members coming out of the tunnel from the beer cellar. So we've just got to wait for the presentations. The guest of honour today is none other than Llllllaura Lllllllew, aka the face that launched a thousand hips. She's working her way along the Wills row now, and - oh dear - Will Salt has run off the pitch after her. That's going to leave their team one man short for the start of the match. Amazingly, that's the fifth time he's done that this seaon, and it's only the third game. "Our referee tonight is Genevieve from Canada, who sent off three people in her last game in charge. Let's hope we don't get the same again tonight. There's a screech as the whistle goes - oh, sorry it's just Stuart Murdoch trying to reach the high notes in She's Losing It again. Right, now they're underway. The Rachels are off to a good start, gaining possession of the tape recorder; but a nifty dummy from Will Power and the Go-Betweens CD is safely in the hands of the keeper. Meanwhile, Rachel is working well down the left. She passes to Rachel, who does a quick one-two with Rachel. She boots it upfield, where Rachel brings it down brilliantly; she lays it off to Rachel, who turns and lifts a cross into the area. It's gone over Rachel's head, but Rachel is there on the end of it; a quick shot, but Will is on the end of it and saves spectacularly. Well, a frantic start there, time for some early comments from our expert summarizer, Idleberry." "The Rachels are looking good, they've prepared well and done their homework. Their movement off the ball is superb, and it's only a matter of time before they get the result they want. A bad tackle there, Will was lifted completely off the ground, he's got blood on his shirt. But that's fine, because with new Daz powder, his white shirt will turn out brilliantly, it works great even on tough stains like blood, mud and red wine..." "What are you going on about?" "Ooops, sorry John, I got a bit carried away there. I'm doing a voiceover for a washing powder advert tomorrow morning, thought I'd better get some practice in." "OK, let's just concentrate on the game Idles, can we?" "Sorry, it won't happen again. I'll keep it clean from now on. Almost as clean as washing done with Daz Ultra..." "Right, that's it, you're sacked as our expert summarizer. Let's get back to the action, shall we? A quick glance at the scoreboard tells us that it's now 3-2 to the Rachels, a great match, the best of the season, you don't want to miss a moment of it. We'll be right back after this short break." --SNAP-- "I didn't mean that sort of break, you idiot. Anyway, now we're back, the score is 4-4, so you didn't miss much. Apart from that goal-of-the-season contender from Rachel Marmalade. But Will HeOrWon'tHe has possession, and is looking to distribute. Isn't that illegal? A quick look up, and he spots Will AndTestament upfield. But wait! Just as he was about to make the pass, a dreadful high challenge came in from Archel Toast, she's tackled him right in the tackle. He's on the ground, rolling around in pain, clutching his groin. at least, I hope that's why he's clutching his groin. The referee's going to have to take some sort of action here. She knows how much damage an injury there could do to Will's future life, he won't be having any children for a while. He's married, one child. But that didn't work out, so he married an adult instead. "Genevieve, the referee, reaches for her pocket, and what kind of card will she produce? Yes! It's a Christmas card. she's forcing Archel to sign it and post it to Will to make friends again. No hard feelings, except possibly in Will's groin area. So, back to the action, with a free pass to the Wills. They've gained possession of the tape deck, and are determined to break down the Rachels' defence and get through to Rachel Cornflake's CD collection. But hold on, what's going on here? There's some people on the pitch, do they think it's all over? "There's a 4-man pitch invasion in progress. Hang on a minute, I recognise them! It's four members of the Sporting Stuarts team, Rachel Rovers' deadly rivals. And they look like they're ready to fight! This is terrible, they've interrupted a superb match just to settle a few old scores. There's Big Stu trying to start a fight with Will MaFlinstone in the middle of the pitch. Archel tries to aim a punch at him, but she can't reach. Stuart Hallifax is chasing a couple of Rachels. Meanwhile, Stuart Murdoch, the ex-boxer, is taking on the rest of the Wills team single-handed. I'm sure it would be much more effective if he used both hands, but never mind. And on the far side of the pitch, Stuart David is working his way round the Rachels team shouting 'Pish! Pish! Pish!' at them. "There's chaos all over the pitch. The crowd are getting agitated, and they're all heading for the bar. And yes, the referee has called off the game. It's a disgrace, there's going to have to be an enquiry into this. So, back to James Hatcher in the studio." "Thank you, John Motson at Honey's Bar. Well, quite extraordinary scenes there, what did you make of it Pinefox?" "Disgrace. Panic. Fight. Over." "Hmmm, interesting. But who do you think was behind all this? Surely the Stuarts couldn't have organised all this by themselves, so who did? Kirsten Kenyon has joined us, have you go any idea who might be responsible?" "Well, it's very tempting to blame the evil Ken Chu for this. But we blamed him last time in The Case Of The Runaway Thread, so we'd better think of some new plot ideas this time." "And what can be done to stop this happening again?" "Well, it's simple - we just need to pick some random foreign person to blame. It doesn't matter whether it was them or not, because we won't bother having a trial, we'll just bomb their country for a few months." "That's great. So, Pinefox, before we go, any last thoughts?" "Jump. Rabbit. Paperclip. Time. My Editor." "Thank you. Well, it's been an eventful day here. We'll be back next week, when we'll have exclusive coverage of the local derby between the Robins and the Roberts." This has been a Sinister TV production. All rights reserved, all wrongs reversed. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. 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