Johnny turned 16.... And we are just walking around in circles until tears fill our eyes and our vision gets blurred. Until you can't make out your way home. And it's dark. And its cold. Everything seems surreal if you look closely. If you stop thinking about yourself and look closely. And see the details. And the combinations which you cant grasp. The things that can make the grinds of your mind creak dangerously. Most frighteningly. And then you desperately want to know why you won't ever again be able to live this moment. Never again. tick tack tick tack.... ...moment to moment The End comes closer. Then " Le Pastie " comes on the radio when you're cleaning tables..." you drop the tray and go berserk"..... and then you come to l i v e Belle and Sebastian. Or is it that Belle and Sebastian have become a way of living perhaps? Cos I work as a waitress. Sort of . Such a Belle and Sebastian-ish job. It's this thought that gets me though. When I haven't even finished studying for my Uni exams that start tomorrow....I could be -your- waitress. Sort of . But I wouldn't really want to be the waitress of any of the 1400 of you. Cos I wouldn't want to hate any of you. As I hate the eyes of people. Scanning my body and sneaking in the creases and openings of my clothes. Their mouths that don't tell me that my shirt has been unbuttoned as I pick the broken glass from the floor. By that time " Le Pastie " is gone.....and all that's left to me is " La Bourgeoisie". Belle and Sebastian? I have a strange tendency to write their full name. I only own 2 of their albums and 3 ep's (The salary of a waitress is not that high you know.Or you may not know as well ) Although I might not listen to them that much ,or not at all lately....But I love them more than anything. Well...not -them- I can't even tell who is who , apart from Isobell and Sarah, if I saw them in a picture . But, as I am trying to save something of the simplicity of my long lost childhood, the precious moments of utter happiness in the sight of a butterfly flying against the sun or a single candy; I can find fragments of my bruised, numb self, or a faint dream of an innocence I don't even remember losing playing hide and seek in-between lyrics that are a wee bit dissonant near the end and scattered notes of melodies swept by the breeze, words whispered under one's breath. My fingers are cold. And my heart hurts in my chest sometimes. Like it's torn apart. And it opens up in two. And I hit my chest with my fist. So that the hit will get deeply in. And then the pain might go.For a while. Johnny turned 16. Who is going to make h i s pain go?? And I am 19 and can only cheat my pain for a little while. But above all, myself. Life, but how to live it? xxx joanna - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "but youth is only being in a way like it might be an animal. no, it is not just like being an animal so much as being like one of those malenky toys you viddy being sold in the streets, like little chello-vecks made out of tin and with a spring inside and then a winding handle on the outside and you wind it up grrr grrr grrr and off it itties , like walking, O my brothers. But it itties in a straight line and bangs straight into things bang bang and it cannot help what it is doing. Being young is like being one of these malenky machines..." "A Clockwork Orange" +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the undead Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "tech-heads and students" +-+ +-+ "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list" +-+ +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "peculiarly deranged fanbase" "frighteningly named +-+ +-+ Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +----------------------------------------------------------------------+