Hello, Now then, I love a bit of nostalgia, just not all the time. Lets' see what the future holds. I promised this to some of you ages ago, but it's only recently that the stars have spoken, and now, based on a combination of the Boys Own Bumper Book of Astrology, true life experiences and my own strange mystical powers, I am able to tell what this future of which I speak holds for you. I would like to point out that in no way is this complete bollocks that I made up as I went along. ARIES: Now you are a tasty one. Good looking, witty and intelligent with a cute little wiggle to send your peers wild with desire. This year and every year belongs to you, because you're swell. If you're a girl, you should continue sending pornography to hapless bass players, it's sure to pay off sooner or later. IDEAL MATCH: Spoilt for choice really, so chose carefully. No, sod it, sleep around and enjoy it. OTHER ARIANS: Marlon Brando, Julie Christie, Serge Gainsbourg. TAURUS: Stubborn, tight-fisted, and forever stuffing their faces. That's not me tallking, that's what the book says. Still you're a loyal, cosy kind of person, who likes their creature comforts. Maybe that's why you get marriage proposals from extremely tall strangers from Leeds. All you need is love, money and good old fashioned home cooking and everything in your garden will be roses. IDEAL MATCH: Cancer, Capricorn OTHER TAUREANS: Isobel Campbell, Tony Blair, Queen Liz GEMINI: Yack, yack, yack, you've got more rabbit than Sainsbury's ... for God's sake shut up for a minute and listen. Oh yes, you are one of the literatti, you can talk your way into and out of anything, but you wouldn't know passion if it ran up and ravished you. Give it some ooh-la-la, buy yourself some leather and latex and get jiggy wid it. IDEAL MATCH: Libra, Aquarius OTHER GEMINIANS: Morrissey, Steffi Graf, Noel Gallagher CANCER: Hey crosspatch, stop sulking and listen. It's all very well living in the past and keeping your feelings bottled up, but surely it's time to put away childish things and get outside in the sunshine. As a sensitive soul your lot in life is to be a shoulder to cry on, but it takes guts to be gentle and kind, and who knows, you might even get a snog out of it. IDEAL MATCH: Taurus, Pisces OTHER CRABS: Steven Spielberg, Neil Tennant, Princess Diana LEO: You are one big poseur. You're the one at parties who calls everyone dwarling and is constantly looking in the mirror. Having said that, you are one suave, well-dressed sonofabitch, and a career on the stage, or maybe as a supermodel surely awaits. A Manchester United season ticket does not, however, you wee glory hunting bastard. IDEAL MATCH: Aries, Sagitarrius OTHER LEOS: Richard Coburn, Madonna, Alfred Hitchcock VIRGO: Now as the traditionally chaste sign of the zodiac, you may not get a lot of booty, but that sure as hell doesn't stop the strange pleasure you get out of watching and writing about other people's little foibles and fetishes. And very good at it you are too, but don't be the least bit surprised if someone finds what you've been writing about them and gives you a good slapping. Or maybe you'd like that... IDEAL MATCH: Capricorn, Taurus OTHER VIRGOS: Stuart Murdoch, Michael Jackson, Jarvis Cocker LIBRA: You dithering ninny. Oh shall I do this? Or shall I do that? Shall I use this bucket or shall I throw up all over my keyboard? Do us all a favour, make a decision and then use this legendary wit and charm that we've all heard so much about to keep the heart of that mysterious American girl you're hiding away. Oh, and for God's sake have a pint. IDEAL MATCH: Gemini, Libra OTHER LIBRANS: Chris Geddes, Oscar Wilde, Brigitte Bardot SCORPIO: Now if you could just stop thinking about shagging all the time, you might be OK. I recommend cold showers or bromide in your tea, then maybe you can stop thinking with your bits and enjoy life. IDEAL MATCH: Frankly, Pisces are the only ones daft enough to put up with you. Either that or lock yourself in a cupboard with a fellow Scorp and stop trying to cop off with the rest of us. OTHER SCORPIOS: Winona Ryder, Prince Charles, Demi Moore SAGITTARIUS: Ah yes, Sagitarrius ... always gadding about to some far off shore. Now you girls may have had admirable taste in men at some time in your life, and you boys might write poetry to touch the hardest soul, but ... can you keep a secret? ... can you bollocks. Sort this unfortunate behaviour out and the world, as they say, is your oyster. None of the above applies to Swedish Sagitarrians who rule, have great boobs and can cuddle me anytime. IDEAL MATCH: Aries, Aquarius OTHER SAGS: Mick Cooke, Woody Allen, Jane Birkin CAPRICORN: A lot of people say you're terribly boring, and have no sense of humour whatsoever, but this is obviously not true. You can look forward to a year of dazzling people at parties with your encylopaedic pop trivia knowledge and your tasty collection of turtlenecks. And of course making sure all your possessions are meticulously filed in alphanumerical order. IDEAL MATCH: Virgo, Taurus OTHER GOATS: Stuart David, Stevie Jackson, Dolly Parton AQUARIUS: Dear God, you're a nutter. But it is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, they say. If you're a boy, maybe you'll find love with someone across the Atlantic, with a girl who'll be charmed by your Johnny Mathis impressions. Or you'll continue to slut yourself about demanding that complete strangers have your babies. If you're a girl, and in a band, well, can I recommend a nice Aries boy. IDEAL MATCH: Gemini, Libra, oh, and Aries of course OTHER AQUARIANS: Sarah Martin, Vic Reeves, Ian Monkeyface Brown PISCES: You big soppy lovable pussycat. You may be utterly hopeless and incapable of living with any concept of reality, but you can always rely on the fact that people will come up to you, pat you on the head and say 'Awwwww, aren't you sweet?'. But what the hell are you doing surfing the net on your birthday? You really should get out more. IDEAL MATCH: Scorpio, Cancer OTHER FISHES: Juliette Binoche, Frankie Howerd, Mikael Gorbachev Keep watching the skies, Love Tag xx ----------------------------------------------------------------------- . This message was brought to you by the Sinister mailing list. . To send to the list please mail "sinister@majordomo.net". . For subscribing, unsubscribing and other list information please see . http://www.majordomo.net/sinister . For questions about how the list works mail owner-sinister@majordomo.net . We're all happy bunnies humming happy bunny tunes. Aren't we? -----------------------------------------------------------------------