alright. i know that my last message was happy. but this one isn't. what the f*uck is wrong with me. my emotional stability is not so stable. it needs to stop or i'm gonna be sick. so my date with the professor. didn't turn out how i wanted, though it turned out how i expected it to. whatever. my life feels as though it's up in the air. and i'm always tired and drained. a co-worker pointed out the changing of the seasons. maybe it has something to do with it all? whenever i am down, i lock myself in the bathroom. and cut most of my hair off. i did that last night and for once in 7 years, it didn't work. now i have really short hair. and no smile to show for it. maybe i just need to vent. another co-worker has another theory as to why. why i am not happy. and why asshole males are so drawn to me. too many references to star wars to remember, but i think that the sum of what he's trying to say, is that it's my parents. i grew up in a religious home. very strict and sheltering. i am a christian, though some might label me as a liberal one. this is not good enough for my mom. actually, nothing is ever good enough for that woman. a few years ago i got kicked out of bible college. and it was very messy. i don't think that she has forgiven me yet. it's sad because what i'm about to say is not overexagerated. i have had only a couple of conversations with her in the past 7 years that didn't end up with me crying or her yelling or me getting defensive or her putting me down or me yelling. sad really. i don't know why i am not tying in paragraphs. the screen is even blurry, though not from tears. i can't even cry anymore. what to do? not talk to my parents. plus i'm an only child. but they are the ones pushing me away. i'm willing to take responsibility for my actions and i always apologize when i'm at fault. but expecting them to do the same. forget about it. plus i think i'm lonely. i was driving home from work monday and i was listening to the radio as the car only has radio capabilities. the not so great song: "i love you just the way you are" came on. i almost lost it and finally cried. i can't remember the words word for word, but i think it was something like he didn't even want witty conversation because it was too complicated because all he wanted was someone to talk to. there was more but i can't think right now. though i know i am not alone, i feel alone. and the future seems so dim too. i don't know if it's the social influence of impending doom of no college degree, no money and no future that has been thrown on my head like hot, smelly ash by the family. or if it's just me being silly. and ridiculous. sometimes i really should stop myself from thinking. i was going to go back to school in the fall. and i was excited. now i feel uncertain. do i really want to spend the next 4 years of my life in a classroom when i could be out and about in the world searching my soul that seems to be constantly misplaced. i have no grounding of any sorts. alright, i'm going to stop myself now because i could go on...but i won't torture you loverly sinisters. love and dry eyes, sara __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Yahoo! Greetings - Send FREE e-cards for every occasion! http://greetings.yahoo.com +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+