so, ok well, today was pretty cloudy i think there might have been a bit of rain in the afternoon there was but i didn't really mind it, rain is ok rain is droplets of water that fall from the clouds in the sky did you know that? it's pretty rad when you think about it i hope you're all doing ok in the rain although of course it might not be raining where you are if it's not then, well, i don't know, i hope you're still ok i am... well, i'm alright yesterday, which was a tuesday was alright i've often said how much i like tuesdays, some people think they're the third day of the week, but i know for a fact that they're the second and first the worst second the best, though monday, that's the first day of the week wasn't the worst, on monday i woke up and watched a dvd of 'dude, where's my car?' on the television, aren't they a great invention? i gave mine a hug because it's so nice to me, why can't people be like that? after the dvd it was time for pancakes, but first i had to decide what to wear, which was difficult, i have this rule for myself that i can't wear anything black on a monday it always causes me trouble, i don't know why i don't just abandon the rule but it's an important rule, i've forgotten why but i've gained weight recently and my red suit doesn't fit me anymore i used to like my red suit buy now that it doesn't fit me i want to burn it i want to burn things sometimes but i put on my tshirt and a skirt anyway and i looked ok on the way downstairs someone said "kieran, don't you usually wear your red suit on mondays?" and she was right, but i wanted to burn her just the same some people, honestly well my tshirt has a picture of two horses on it, and the horses are happy together why can't we all be like those horses? i read in the newspaper a terrible story about two gorillas that escaped from the zoo they escaped by dressing up as japanese tourists and talking their way out of the zoo once they were out they mauled seven people, and killed another nine those gorillas if they were like the horses i was wearing, i tell you, things would not have been like that on the tshirt there is also a picture of a butterfly frolicking near the horses and loving if the gorillas could've got to that butterfly then the consequences don't bear thinking about why don't people try to stop these things? i know i do i kept my horses away from gorillas and i don't even work at the zoo, so how could i have stopped them? why can't people just be nicer? so anyway i was riding my horses into town to get pancakes we stopped off for icecream and to watch a dvd of 'my big fat greek wedding' which is a sort of gangster movie, except set in grease, i think belle and sebastian are on the soundtrack but i might be wrong about that, it might be def leppard someone was explaining to me about john zorn's re-appropriation of 80s hardcore along with various other genres encompassing funk, lounge, surf guitar etc in his seminal naked city band, i think they were on the soundtrack too, though i didn't hear them the ice cream was lots of flavours, red, green as well as orange, the orange wasn't very nice my favourite ice cream flavour is love ice cream is made by freezing milk and then passing it through a filter and then you cut it into cones with scissors i love it when it's dark during the daytime sometimes i wake up and it's so dark, dark all the time, dark in my heart as we rode further on we reached a park with a big lake i love parks with big lakes, why can't everywhere be like that? we sat down, the horses are called nigel and billy, but billy is a girl they are not gay horses i've told peole that, but they laugh, some of them laugh! like billy jean i tell them, from the michael bolton song which i will post the lyrics to: billy jean, you are a horse but a girl not a gay horse you love nigel he loves you chorus we ride into town for pancakes we play video games and eat ice cream chorus chorus now that i think about it it might be a daniel johnston and jad fair song i met daniel and jad for pancakes anyway, along with my aunt who is a queen we had pink grapefruit juice which was pink and a glass of orange juice and stacks of pancakes as high as the moon i mean as high so they went up to being able to reach the moon not the other way round, which is what nigel thought, until i shot him they were very tasty it was very sunny i went to buy some clothes from the store, i think the name of the store was tescos it's where i get my best clothes anyway, it was getting dark by the time i got out but i bought seven ties and a suit made of vinegar then i decided to ride a donkey into town, like our lord in town i stopped for pancakes with my friends joe and chris they told me about a show they had seen on television featuring a serial killer how wrong serial killing is, you ought to be ashamed i said they agreed with me, there is nothing funny about that we discussed the matter at length and then played pac man at the arcade where i was eaten by a ghost how can people just kill like that? we listened to a compilation of bollywood soundtracks and ate pizza by the seaside for a while and then played shinty which i won at by checkmating colin newman from the band wire we stopped to look at some birds on the way into town not birds as in women you sexist fucking cunt but real flying birds aren't birds just wonderful? why can't everywhere be like the sky? i wonder how birds manage to get all the way up there do you think humans will ever be able to attain unaided flight? after dinner i flew into town for some pancakes with robert and pat robert is my paediatrician (i hope i've spelled that right!) and we were shot at by some welsh people why can't everyone be like the welsh? down the front of the gig was tom jones and cerys matthews, we walked the 200 yards into town and ate pancakes which had welsh sauce made from leeks and valleys on them and tom sang us a song based on the stereophonics album 'just enough education to perform' which is a funny title i have an education, that day at school i drew a picture of keiji haino in oil pastel and they hung it on the wall in the dining hall, so now whenever i'm eating and whenever anyone is eating they have to look up at the dark magus of japanese psych rock i think that's only fair after they gave me a d for my gcse maths coursework for my maths coursework we had to work out the area of various nets for cuboids i tried to devise a formula but all i could think of was piet mondrian and that part in catch 22 when it stops being all surreal and funny and Yossarian is plunged into a bosch-esque nightmare landscape outside the streets were damp and we walked off into town for pancakes, we talked and brian told me all about his history on the riviera, he had been a lollipop man until they invented belisha beacons he said he wanted to chop them all down with his axe the street was cold and dry i counted the bricks on the house, there were seven there has got to be more than this i thought and i was right, there were some round the corner that i had missed that made nine on the corner someone tried to sell me a paper, it had red writing on it and you couldn't buy it in the newsagents, i was about to go for pancakes so i couldn't stop to tell him exactly what i thought of him but he was an ugly man, i bet he is ugly inside, like that cat we cut open on christmas eve i put on my purple anorak for the day because it was the morning it was a f-f-f-friday which is my favourite day of the week you know what they say in some restaurants? tfi friday, which stands for thank goodness it's friday this is because working in a restaurant is not much fun i had to work in a restaurant once, to table five i brought a salad to table twelve i brought some steak to table six i brought some anchovies to table nine i brought some pancakes to table seven i brought some ice cream to table four i brought some fish to table eight i brought some oysters to table eleven i brought some peppers to table ten i brought some lasagne to table nine i brought some chips to table eight i brought some pizza to table seven i brought some fire to table six i brought some salad to table five i brought some fish to table four i brought some cake to table three i brought some potato to table two i brought some biscuits to table one i brought some chocolate to table zero i brought some pasta phew! after all that i was tired! thank goodness it's friday how is the weather where you are? here it's a bit damp they say the crops wont grow if it stays like this i think someone has stolen all the soil how could someone do that? what kind of a country is this? i wish everywhere was like samoa they have soil there in abundance, and i hear it's rich in lime how are you? i am... well, i'm alright we moved downstream into town to get pancakes today i decided to wear my feather boa there's someone called feather boa! imagine that! she and i go way back i wrote in my diary about playing nintendo i watched a dvd of bon jovi playing live i had the new pink grapefruit lucozade it wasn't very nice it tasted like pink grapefruit i watched a dvd of "kickboxer 2" lionel and i chatted about baseball nicky wire from the manic street preachers was leading the herd and i rode nigel after him, he was riding billy the rest of the herd have names, but you have to guess them they are all the reincarnations of famous people though so it isn't that hard the one that's samuel beckett just sits and says "nothing to be done" because there's nothing to be done but he's wrong! that kind of attitude is ruining america! but i think he's ok, we played lacrosse and i bought some new hats and now i can play lacrosse properly with each new hat i can be a new person! he won at lacrosse but it was ok because he watched a dvd of "indpedendance day" which has will smith and stuart maconie in it stuart maconie is my idol i think he's the best i think he has the most unique face in the world, i watched his face during the movie and i think it looks different it has a different cadence you might say like scotland the cadence of stuart maconie's face is like scotland i think we sat in for pancakes on the way into town and stuart and i talked about television and he told me about this awful show which dug up the recent past and made it an object of ironic adulation, that was like sooooo crazy why can't more people be like stuart? it was sunny the sun is actually a big ball of burning gas far far away i hear ken chu is a real person he has a job in a hospital it was cloudy though i picked up my kids from the vet, they are nice but they whine too much i give them milk, but a lot of the time it doesn't help things are tough sometimes we played jenga and then tennis out on the lawn, i won at both one of the things that has always worried me is: will we ever be able to time travel? i asked the children and they thought we would and i believe them i looked into their faces and i saw the future and they were serious and i believed them children are our future they were each wearing a sailor suit except for little emily who had a dress on in their eyes was every hope that we have ever had they said there would be time travel and i hold them responsible i dropped them off with their parent/guardian, it was late in the evening and decided to go into town for pancakes but what would i wear? i put on my black jacket but it didn't feel right it felt distended, whatever that means while i decided what to wear i put the radio on, there was a song on which had rapping how can people be like that? i changed the station, why can't all music be like what i found it was rick wakeman, who i love while i was dancing to rick, daniel came over and he had been visiting the lions in the zoo we decided to change plans and go into town for pancakes on the way we met my mother, who was sad and drunk, though it was still very early in the morning i crossed the road to avoid speaking with her on the way we stopped to play pinball and eat croissants we took a train into town and we played snooker on the way and ate pasta john told me how hard it had been for him recently there was a dvd playing of pearl jam live eddie vedder dedicated a song to me, i'd seen it before it was a live version of danny boy, a cover it was different this time, alec empire made a guest appearance there are seventeen steps from my house to the shop on the corner i counted them as i walked there the shop is very sad, most of the things are old and nobody buys them i bought bread i bought milk the man and i didn't speak, even though i go in there almost every day i looked at the shelf behind him filled with once bright things now gone grey how can people be like that? why can't everywhere be like the pyramids? life is so cruel on the way back we met danny who is a doctor and he said i'd be better soon i said we should go into town for pancakes sometime he said he was free on tuesday and i think i'm free on tuesday that was yesterday lucy and i spoke on the phone about jam, she likes the consistency to be thick i also like the consistency to be thick what do you think? how are you today? i am... well, i'm alright today i decided to wear a skirt for the first time in years it was black, i usually wear black on mondays but i did today i watched a dvd of "titanic" and celine dion made me cry sarah came over and we watched a dvd of "men in black 2" ah, i think will smith is so great i drank a bottle of juice the flavour was orange i wonder how they get the bits out alan told me they use a sieve, which is a bit like... like... like i woke up and on the telly was a dvd of alice coltrane live in concert still playing from the night before she was singing "baby one more time" the song finished and the camera focussed on her it drew right in, it was like she stepped from the televison she started talking but i have forgotten what she said later alice came over and we hung out and watched movies and talked about life she told me about something she had read in the newspaper about some people who had hit some other people how can people do that? i was so sad that we took the hovercraft into town for pancakes on the way we stopped off at claire's house and talked to her she told me that her father was doing ok and she compimented me on my kula shaker tshirt barry and paul came over and we played space invaders until it was time to have lunch i didn't have any bread in the house so we decided to nip into town for some pancakes the pancakes were marvellous and we played aussie rules football afterwards which is a game where you put coins in the slot and pull the arm and then hope you get three matching cherries which i did not why is life so unfair? i met crispin on the way into town and i invited him to join me for pancakes, we talked a bit about school and he said that the maths coursework was going to be hard he had spoken to one of the teachers and she had told him that it involved integers whatever those are i told him i wanted to do a painting of someone and he said that maybe stuart stapleton would be a good idea i can just imagine it hanging in the dining hall, the dark magus of studio manipulation looking down upon everyone as they ate that would be a punishment for my bad grade at o-level german mach spass! i read for a while, a magazine called the nme which told me that miles davis is releasing a new record i hate punk rock i drank a glass of milk while listening to some music, here are the lyrics: it was an instrumental the weather here today was a blizzard, i was going to go into town for pancakes with simon but the snow and wind made it impossible how is the weather where you are? how are you? i am... well, i'm alright roger came over and we talked about comic books i told him my dreams and he said they were good ones i believe him too, he is a serious man, i think i might love roger later we went into town for pancakes but stopped on the way to talk to the police apparently the penny farthing isn't allowed on roads anymore what sort of country has this turned into? i was scared that we were going to get a fine, but roger told the police the situation after that they seemed to calm down a bit the one officer was nice, his name was paul he fixed me with inquisitive eyes that's a line from belle and sebastian i don't think the song has been released yet perhaps it wont ever be why are people like that? stuart and david came over and we watched a dvd of "honey i blew up the kid" which is my favourite movie we talked about the economy and about politics and we were mostly in agreement less is more i told him and he nodded his head i gave him a picture i had painted of john fahey but he didn't understand i told him that i painted it when i was at school and that it had hung in the dining hall and that once i had heard him commenting on how much he liked it i was always too scared to speak to him in school but he said he didn't want it and afterwards i cried for hours i met joseph in town for pancakes he asked me when there would be an end to all this nonsense and i said there would on tuesday it was fatal joseph and i go way back he drew a map to town for me on squared paper because i'm new and i don't know the way he said we could meet up for pancakes tomorrow frank and i went out dancing and then into town for pancakes we were playing mario kart on his gameboy he stopped every so often to look at the scenery isn't it nice this time of year? he told me about his grandmothers funeral how she had always joked about having the theme from 'fame' played at the ceremony and how they had put it on in the church and everyone sobbed to the words and his voice cracked as he told me i said it was just a song why are people like that all the time? why can't things be like they are in quebec? after supper i listened to gil scott herren on the stero pete came over and we ate pasta from a plastic carton he had bought it from the sainsburys at the station and it came with a free plastic fork how do people make a profit these days? we decided to into town for pancakes but stopped on the way to have a dip in the sea it was cold and the salt was in our hair and the sand was in our shoes mark e smith was on the beach and he told me about the time the sky above his house had been so clear he could see all the way over the bay we walked back through the fog to andrea's and played playstation then we watched a dvd of "happy gilmore" then we listened to camera obscura on the stereo chris came over the hill and he was carrying something it was pancakes he told me about a war there had been and i asked him why people are like that he said it was because they don't know when to stop i told him i could stop whenever i wanted but he just shook his head i wanted to burn him then i took back the painting of masami akita that i had given him he had helped me get a good gcse in french i drank a bottle of orange squash in the park with ian he told me about his religion and i laughed he didn't seem to mind we walked twelve steps to the boating lake the ducks were out in force suddenly a child leapt from a building across the street how can people do that? everyone ran to look but i could see his reflection in the sunset coloured lake it was tuesday i read in the newspaper that the child died how can people do that? at the station i met chloe and george their train was terribly late i asked them why, but george seemed reluctant he said there was a problem, they had stopped for a long time but he didn't know why that it was nothing to worry about we moved off and i pressed him about it but to no avail we were almost home before the boy came running back i asked him what the delay had been george tried to wave it off, try to stop the boy from talking but he faced me straight and said that a child had fallen from the carriage and under the wheels then there was just the noise of the wind soon i am starting again like the wheels on a tractor round, round and round i am... well, i'm alright - kieran _________________________________________________________________ Find a cheaper internet access deal - choose one to suit you. http://www.msn.co.uk/internetaccess +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. 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