Dear Sinister, I write now as one compelled to do so - not by inspiration or anything equally crude or vulgar, but more by a sense of internal guilt which is probably more proof of my neurosis than anything to actually be guilty about, but nonetheless. Its two twenty in the morning (why do I say that with some semblance of pride, as if me writing now is proof of my mettle or something) and tiredness plus a slight head cold has melded everything together into a kind of sensory miasma, so I hope youll excuse any (or more than usual) ramblings and non-sequiturs. But what, I hear yon reader gasp, has so drawn me from my bed well past the witching hour? Well. I was going over it in my mind and I thought that in the little story I told about being on the bus a few years ago I made the man who had a go at me and my mates at the time to be a bit of a villain of the piece, which wasnt quite my intention. See, I sympathise, I deeply sympathise with his feelings really. I know how aggravating getting the bus can be, how pointlessly aggravating too. It kind of got me down last year especially, all the little annoyances there on offer every day so that sometimes you so did want to just shout at someone, just vent. But at the same time youre critically aware of the pettiness, the insignificance of those annoyances, you know that theyll be forgotten once you reach wherever it is youre going perhaps only to be replaced with a new set of niggling irritations, but still. I was aware of it at the time, and aware of the futility of what he was saying because, like I said before, nobody really cared at all. In fact this man, trying to make a scene, to gain some support even was just another annoyance, another thing in the way slowing us down. Oh do shut up etc. So I sort of felt for him even then because it was a lose/lose situation anyway, though maybe he felt a bit better afterwards for having said something. Yeah, buses. It was always why dont you move into the shelter, if were all inside then maybe itll generate a bit of warmth and oh god its fucking packed again and ok I was going to sit there but and then no dont stand there right in front of me, no dont let anyone else on driver, I wont be able to get off and then sorry excuse me sorry sorry scuse me, thanks. And how run down it all seemed, the ugliness of everywhere some days you couldve written your name in the filth on the windows, or hilariously daubed clean me with soon blackened fingertips, couldve made a game of avoiding the globules of thick sputle around the shelters. And shivering at bus stops amongst the drab clothed, hard set habitual bus riders. Never any *attractive* people. I know thats an odd thing to have wanted, since Im hardly that myself and am now vaguely irritated by glaecit, pristine, vacant clothes horses at every turn, but better, I guess, to sit next to them, to be surrounded by them than by the eternally nondescript, plain, the bland. Unfair I know. Unfair. But I do sympathise, I can imagine myself thinking just as he mustve why didnt those fucking kids give up that seat to someone else and ok it was pretty low and cheap to act on that impulse and try to make a show of it, but we all have our off moments dont we? There. I feel a bit better now. I wont send this till tomorrow though. Bit late now. Well. Ok. As Henry Miller sez: I have made a silent compact with myself not to change a line of what I write. I am not interested in perfecting my thoughts, nor my actions. Right on. Bis bald. - Kieran _________________________________________________________________ Protect your PC - get McAfee.com VirusScan Online http://clinic.mcafee.com/clinic/ibuy/campaign.asp?cid=3963 +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+