***wARNING... aLMOST zERO b/s cONTENT AND 1100% mEANINGLESS BLABBERING***** ***delete immediately unless you are ready to be fucking bored out of your skull****** i confess i haven't been reading the list the last cople of days, just because i've been alternatly manic and comatose. i took this allergy pill--only one mind you== that fucked over my entire sleeping schedule. the shiznit be just like morphine or something, it knocks you into horizontal faster than anythign i've ever experienced. i'll have to remember that next time i want to go out of commission for a day or so, in any case i've felt curious strange for a while now. i'm a nocturnal creature of the night er having visions and things..... Today in the coffee shop i saw a bloke that reminded me of stuart murdoch. thusly he was rather attractive, much liek a lithe Greek youth, or an androgyne (we all know androgynes are the holiest of beings). i would hav eliked to sit him down and draw him. just his facial structure and his build, were murdochian in some abstract way. i don't know. btw gareth i got your email and sweetie i will write you....err...soon... *) so anyway, i'm sitting here listening to Moonshake with a mint julep mask on my face and watching my Jasmine Mist tea steep in it's clear plastic glass. cheap loser i am. my stomach is flipflops, and i'm having visions again. just a minute i'll be rt back...well i apologize if this post is totally irrelevant, but if we didn't have room to be so it would be a Nazi list ruled by the iron fist of HoneyFuhrer, relegated to comments like "What is Century of Fakers about", and "i'd really like to have sex with isobel". i was just thinking that sinister is almost like a support community in some ways, at least for me--just in the sense that i have met so many beautiful and sincere people here, and i'm so grateful for that. i've never experienced that on this newfangled whatchamajiggy "the internet". ugh. i just feel like.....i went out wiht my friend stacy and it's raining like fuck here, i mean in Arizona! we have monsoons here, it's totally mad! but beautiful. and there was a message on my machine when i got in from my mom. i called her cos i couldnt understand what she said. she said my dad had been in an accident and was in the hospital really bad. like he has bleeding on the brain and can't walk and they have to do surgery or something, and she doesn't know yet. see my mom and dad are split up for many years, but anyway... i'm teh weirdest person about things like that happening. i just have my own ways of dealing with tragedy. like when my erstwhile love deceives me, i cry at the drop of a hat, i bawl for days, but when terror descends upon mortality, i just walk around in a trance, thinking about the miraculousness of life, wondering what it means, becase everythign means something. I mean....i dont' knwo what to feel about some things. When bad stuff happens, like if i hear about a plane crash or like Princess Di's accident, my first thought is like "FUCK, i'm gonna be hearing about this for the next 3 months". you know? i'm cynical in that way. you feel sad, but then again it's like frustrating, because you can't just stop living when things happen, it's not a shock that they do, because that's just the way the universe is, it's all the same in the long run. I always feel the same emotion if i hear someone is pregnant, as when someone dies. it's almost the same thing to me, birth and death. but the thing is that when someone has an accident who is like, a little kid, or mother theresa or someone unreproachable (well some ppl think mother theresa had some issues, but you know what i'm referring to) everyone knows how to feel about it, it's all sad and it's like innocent victim. but when the person is just totally fucked up in the head, i just think "Jesus christ" i mean what DO you think? families are the hardest thing in life, i believe. because so many of them are just fucked. i know my family is mostly bastards, and i say that in the most understanding way, cos i know where they came from....it's not their fault. but they'r enot conscious. and they fucked me up in the same way they were done. so i have this ambivalence about my family. they're not bad people, and i love them because they are jsut....there, but they hur! ! ! t me in so many ways. so right now i'm just thinking....mostly i'm angry when bad things happen, because then you know everyone is going to put their lives on hold and freak out for a while, and when you dont 'know how to feel about it, you're just stuck in a kind of limbo state. I keep thinking how miraculous it is that important things happen, tragedy fascinates me when i'm involved deeply in it, i keep wondering if i'llb e like Sting or someone who writes important bloody works of art or literature because of things like this that happen? it's just too weird cos i was just thinking how i wish i could get away from the things my family did to me. it doesn't bind my thinking as much as it sometiems binds me to the anger that i have,and i question if it's a good thing to even keep analyzing all of that. i think i can handle death more than i could if someone i knew was a vegetable, that's just not a natural state. i wouldn't even want to witness that. i probably wouldn't go to anyones funeral either, because to me it doesn't seem helpful. i think i deal with stuff in my own way. people think it's not proper or seemly not to 'appear' but a long time ago i promised myself i'd never have to go to another funeral. it's not like anyone died, but it feels like it. she said the accidnet happened on saturday, and it seems like ever since that day i've just been possessed by strange spirits. rt now i'm all trembly and my eyes are probably gazing into the great unknown, i doubt i'll sleep, i'll start writing songs or something... i dont' really knwo what my point is, i just felt suddenly urged to write to sinister because you're all so wonderful, and because existence is just amazing and gorgeous to me. i'm perpetually in a state of thrall just opening my eyes and seeing a b! ! ! ird's w ing, or a summer storm. then again, i'm just thinking Bloody fuck, another load of crap for me to deal with. it doesnt' even surprise me anymore. at any moment my whole family could spontaneously combust, and i'd almost expect it to happen. they're just fucked with terrible luck. but i guess every family is to some extent...but nothing that happens shocks me anymore becasue i've seen the entire facade of their contented life crumble befor emy eyes, and all their lies and perversity exposed. you know, they're bastards. they're not bad people, but they're messed up. and you can't do anything about it. I've tried, and nothing gets through. you can't be bound by them, you know, or you'd get bogged down in stuff that doesn't even belong to you. the endless cycle of FUCK that drags everyone down, sometiems you just gotta pull away from it. and i feel guilty at times, but there is no other way to do it.. you can't be responsible for everyone else, it doesn't work that way even if you try. someone could die right in front of me....i might write a big poem about it the week later, but at the time i'll be saying how remarkable it is to me that BAdtz-maru now comes in camo pattern merchandise. isn't it though? i've just seen the most fabulous sanrio things in my life. badtz-maru in a gorgeous hawaii shade of blue and chinese silver patterns all over. it gives you a miniature orgasm just thinking about it, because who would expect something so beautiful? i was thinking about writing an encoded lesbian fairy tale, of course it will be horribly loaded with my own prejudicial autobio and unfair emotional baggage, and be totally bitter and cathartic. sometimes you have to indullge in a little idiocy just to make it through. i'm still thiking about exactly how it will go. has anyone seen the film "Small FAces"? i've now seen the tail end of it oh, about 12 times now. it's on the IFC like every week. it's made in glasgow. and fuck are the accents beautiful. i so wish i was scottish sometiems just to be able to speak so melodically. it's incantatious, it's inconceivable, but true. anyway i noticed that Alastair Galbraith plays a part in it. I"m frankly surprised that i know who alastair galbraith is, and at that only in the vaguest sense. i think he plays violinn or lives in NZ or something. he played on sandra bell's album. for all i know it could have been a different alastair galbraith, but hwo could another have such a beautiful name? it's one of my favorite names, randomly during the day i'll think "Alastair Galbraith" and feel rather pleased with myself. i really dont[ know what that means, but anyway i jsut bored about a thousand people, if you read all of this you're probably as sick as i am.... thus ends my open letter to the great beyond...... LJ time for my hummus i'll be off now. "People cry when the people die i understand... i hold their hand" er something like that. http://members.tripod.com/rebelstrange to the pure, all things are pure--- http://members.tripod.com/rebelstrange/buxoms.html ***The Buxoms: Svengali-free since 1998!!*** ______________________________________________________ Sent by FortuneCity Mail at http://www.fortunecity.com Join now and receive 20Mb of free web space and E-mail +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the reborn Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail "sinister@majordomo.net". To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to "majordomo@majordomo.net". 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