i used to think this was a forbidden paradise of people i wanted to be like and stories i should have a byline at the top of and a couch i could take naps upon, as soon as neil the cartoonist vacated the goose-patterned cushions. now i know it's really just a wasteland of empty pop cans and half-filled steno books, governed by four kids wearing gap sweaters, wanting to be adults and professionals and something to compete with but really just trying to pass econ. the newsroom has started to make me sad. and i have started to wonder if i want to be a part of it. or maybe just a part of this one. do things change after school? does the lost feeling go away? i'm sitting here waiting for calls. and i spend my life doing this. even outside of work, which is quite the frightening and different story. i know i can write, yes, that's evidenced. but reporting is black lately, and i'd raher have red feelings about what i do. perhaps i only feel this way because i've just been upset as of late. lost was a good word. i feel like i belong at the paper sometimes, and at the coffee house sometimes, and at home sometimes and in myself sometimes. but i haven't found where i belong all times. i joined sinister and ventured into #sinister for the same reason. to be maybe something to something. and i fit in here sometimes. but i think there's always someone just a little bit better, just a little bit more of what the people look for. and i see them here. so maybe that's why i write the people i do, to hope i see what i have in me to be what the people look for. hmmm. or maybe i should just accept being a lurker. popping out now and again to complain. and then go away and wait for calls, for the whole world is a wasteland these days. loulou _______________________________________________________ Send a cool gift with your E-Card http://www.bluemountain.com/giftcenter/ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+