oh could it be that time again? looks like i've decided to share my sorry life with you all. not to sound depressing, however. but is there any better word than "sorry," particularly when i feel the need to write to a faceless crowd of hundreds, nay, a thousand? maybe it's listening to the magnetic fields that's doing it to me, maybe it's the fact that i have no television to distract me, and that my primary occupation lately has been playing solitaire on the big round table in the living room, chatting with my housemates as they come and go, steve sometimes joining me at the big round table to play solitaire as well (we have two decks of cards). How hard can it be to rebuild my life after losing jon? i'm in a new place, with familiar people that were never particularly close to me, but i find myself opening up to them an astonishing amount. is it necessary for me to resort to drinking and partying with people i barely know just to meet some new people, maybe a cute boy who will think i'm cute, too. maybe someone with the same tastes as me, who thinks i'm smart and ambitious, respects me, appreciates me. all qualities jon lost somewhere back there. there's the hope he keeps feeding me that he's going to find them again, that things will be okay again between us. i want to believe him, but i'm a big fan of a quick fix. Of course, the drinking and partying didn't work so well last week, no matter how nice i looked or how pleasant i smelled. i batted my eyelashes and laughed honestly and smiled and didn't act like a whore or anything, but i barely got a glance from anyone, male or female. I don't drink very often. this was basically out of boredom, a way of bonding with my new housemates. i had a good enough time, but i'm sure the novelty of dressing up cute and drinking bad beer will wear off shortly. in the meantime i've started dressing cute every day, like i did my first year here, when i wanted to meet boys. when i met jon i didn't dress cute. i guess i want to compete with the attractive hip girls here that i don't feel like i can compete with. and only taking one class that happens to be off-campus at a women's college doesn't help me meet new people very much. once again i wonder why i'm writing you this. i think gibby's post regarding the girl on the bus got me a little sad, thinking about how boys don't have that reaction to me. like i'm some kind of hag or something. maybe i smell funny. obligatory b&s content in a vain attempt to attract the belle and sebbie kids here i've attached two of my badges to my book bag. unfortunately, the only thing that's accomplished is a great deal of water staining on my precious badges. i guess i'll have to order more soon. oh, and i heard twattybus being played loudly in one of the houses here as i was walking by, and it made me smile. oh dear, that was awfully depressing and you people must think i postively wallow in self-pity all the time, but it just came pouring out and now i'm not sure what to do about it. huh. hopefully list mummy hunny won't have me shot on sight or anything for boring you to tears. -kerry Homepage: http://hamp.hampshire.edu/~kwl96/crap.html +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the reborn Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail "sinister@majordomo.net". To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to "majordomo@majordomo.net". WWW: http://www.majordomo.net/sinister +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "tech-heads and students" +-+ +-+ "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list" +-+ +-+ "jelly-filled danishes" +-+ +----------------------------------------------------------------------+