Sinister, Just got done watching the Academy Awards--my favorite bit of the ceremony is the people they decide to film in the audience. I like trying to predict who will be shown. "Show Denzel!" "Now show Uma Thurman's overflowing heaving bosom!" "Judi Dench! Show her grimace!" "Now back to Uma -- ooh, quickly pan over to Ethan Hawke and show the BRUISE on his cheek which indicates he was beat up in the parking lot!" Well, most of the time I am pretty right-on. **THE SCIENCE FAIR** Ahhh, it is that time of year children - the time when we all get together a cardboard thingie and paste up shameful photocopies and lug it to our nearest University where we will sit, patiently, for many hours, and explain our Hypotheses to high-heeled judges. Actually, since I am assuming most of us on the list are over the age of twelve, not many of us will be participating in Science Fair season. BUT I STILL WANT TO DO IT! I miss the science fair each and every year, and so I try to muster up the energy to do an experiment. EXPERIMENTS OF YEAR'S PAST **THE FOOD MACHINE** 1999/2000 Science Fair Hypothesis: Foods that are thin and brothy are very difficult to consume in a moving vehicle. Tested: A series of experiments over the duration of six months--switching between brothy consistencies and thicker consistencies. It was found with the test subjects that "runny" food was far more difficult to eat in a moving car than more solid foods. Also--there were a series of "distractions" put to use; one-handedness (other hand was put into a plaster cast to mimmick absence of limb), crying babies, or ringing cellphones. We found the crying babies to be the most bothersome each time. The test subjects failed miserably with vegetable broth in a bread bowl. Subjects' laps were burned by hot broth. Conclusion: Food is very hard to eat in a moving car, especially those of a brothy consistency. Science Fair Rating: Very high--honorable mention, plus gift certiticate to Red Lobster. **THE BABY STOPPERS** 2000/2001 SCIENCE FAIR Hypothesis: The Wright family genes should be put to a stop. Tested: My sister and I planned a roadtrip in a 1982 Station Wagon, packing up candied oranges and sweat suits. We took it upon ourselves to visit the residencies of every Wright member in the neighboring states. We examined our cousins and aunts and half-uncles: the lot of them have greyish-brown hair, plum-shaped noses, and large, engulfing pores that one could lose their handbag in. Upon testing IQ: Found subjects to be somewhat intelligent, but with muffly, slurred speech that made my sister and I to believe that the subjects being tested were of very low intelligence, possibly even borderline retarded. Conclusion: Pointed out each pregnancy, and warned: "I think you should stop that, right now." Science fair rating: Disqualified for use of color printer. **THE IDIOT BOX** 2002 SCIENCE FAIR IN LAMAR COUNTY, COLORADO - THIS COMING SUNDAY! Hypothesis: Does it really take one to know one? Testing: Tested a group of 412 individuals. The tester (that's me!) took each subject, blindfolded them in a paisley-printed silk neckerchief, then placed them in front of a mirror. I then politely asked each of them to touch the glass of the mirror and describe what they saw. Most often, they described a simpler world: "I see a horse, galloping through a field--munching upon grass."; "I see hours"; "I do not see anything--you have me blindfolded." "I know no colors upon these very passing moments." Conclusion: No. It does not take one to know one. Of the 412 tested, not a single one knew their own image. Science Fair Rating: Well, we'll see y'all! Be patient! OH LANDS - is it true ILE got squashed in their football match against Sinister? Outbid, Mandee May "inconsolably okay" xxx +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+