Today, well, today found me in an odd way. First off, I went out with a boy last night that I don't really like, but went anyway just because I had nothing else to do. He is a nice enough boy, and I am not trying to say anything about him. Just wondering more what it says about me that I do that sort of thing. I listened to him go on and on about creationism vs. evolutionism. I hate when people talk to you like their ideas are just so profound and cutting edge...especially when it's something that the universal consciousness as a whole has been struggling with forever. In the end I just asked him to kiss me for a while...partly so he would have to shut up and partly because I just felt like kissing. I thought it would make me come round to him more, but it didn't. Anyway, I woke up this morning and went for breakfast at this little diner near my place. I had a momentary bout of insanity or something and forgot what day it was entirely. I asked the waitress, she said it was Sunday...I mumbled something about having lost my mind and she replied "We all have, Hun. We all have." I laughed...It was funny to me. She is probably right too, I think we have all gone mad in one way or another. I went to the grocery and shopped for a while. Aisles and Aisles and Aisles of food, fabric sheets, trash bags, etc. I randomly grabbed things and put them in my cart. I stood for a while daydreaming right in front of the chicken. That was odd. I checked out, and the young boy working the register apparently had been talking to me for a while and I hadn't been listening. I came to hearing him say repeatedly "ma'am, ma'am, would you like paper or plastic." It was an awkward experience all in all. I loaded my car and headed home. I put my groceries away and headed for the sofa. I fell to sleep for a while. I woke up and made myself a sandwich (light on the mayo, heavy on the mustard), I even cut it in fours...I hadn't done that before...ate it while a cigarette burned in an ashtray. I considered having friends over for the holiday, perhaps I would have made them dinner or something. Decided against that. I have fallen into a funk, that is certain. The sad thing is...I don't even care. I don't even want to do anything about it. I wondered for a while...backtracking really to see if I could see if there was something that I could put my finger on. I couldn't recall anything good, bad, or otherwise. I have just slipped into a rut. I have been listening to Yo La Tengo at blaring volumes the past couple of days. I have really fallen in love with them. Anyway, back to my day... I wandered for a while about relativity. Nothing fantastic really. Just wondered about the romantic capabilities of random people. Like receiving love from someone otherwise incapable of love and having it be enough just because you knew it was the maximum. I remembered then what possibly started it. I ran into my ex on Friday. In fact I was standing right behind him at the big bank downtown. We didn't talk much. Well, we didn't talk at all really. But we exchanged the strangest look. It seemed to last for like 45 seconds. I think we were both too numb to speak. It was a two hour movie wrapped into about 68 seconds. I still could love him or something. But I won't allow myself... and there lies the rub. I fear we belong together, and I can't get past the past with him. Love is a lottery, to be sure. I don't know if I can make it through another spin of the wheel, pull of the lever, or whatever. I should probably include some Belle and Sebastian content, eh? Well, I love them. Is that enough? (i may or may not elaborate later) I was recently turned on to Looper. Impossible Things # 2 truly inspired me to begin a relationship based on nothing but coorespondence (email or otherwise.) If a girl says that she loves a boy and he didn't hear it..Did she make a sound at all? or whatever. I am going to watch "Barfly" so I am going to end my rant with this quote: "the well balanced individual is insane." charles bukowski Happy New Year and all that jazz. +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the undead Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "tech-heads and students" +-+ +-+ "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list" +-+ +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "peculiarly deranged fanbase" "frighteningly named +-+ +-+ Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +----------------------------------------------------------------------+