and that ceiling fan above, mocking the very silence encompassing this room so brilliantly. where did all of the words get to? in all of this mess i shudder to think that i be the cause. but 'tis true... i am the cause. for all that i know i with-hold from the air, and my breath only takes up a small percentage of oxygen... i am truly turning insane. but complexity was never a thing i wasn't fond of. i lied when i said all i wanted was simplicity. i lied through my teeth. the very teeth that have pained me all day long... wisdom my arse. lies pain me more-so. poor thing, she was hit by a car... much like james... somewhat like myself but i survived the ordeal. somehow. somehow i am salvaged and for what? is there a reason? i contemplate the reason for everything, but this afternoon i stop to think that perhaps the only thing i am here for is to realize that there is no reason. that to appreciate life itself is the only way to be sane. i stop to think always, but never find serenity. they say stop and smell the roses. i go on to wondering why no one can stop at just smelling the roses. why everyone seems to have the need within them to pluck them from thier beds, take from them life... uproot them from thier happy lil' haven.... all for a moment of security. all for a moment of ownership... to know is greater than anything. why not let that be as it is? am i right? am i wrong? does it matter? it never does. i ask so many questions by which follows an answer that comes from the same unashamed mouth. indecisive lil' me. we all take so much for granted. life espescially. put it off for another day.... we become overwhelmed and disgraced with barriers of angst and fear... and why? and how? how can we be so certain there will be another day? some take the matter into thier own hands. as i have recently had a run in with an old aquaintence of mine. one i nearly didn't recognize. i only knew the face and smiled a questioning smile... and he reminded. going on to inform me of the fate of one we'd mutually known... went on to tell me how he'd gotten back on heroin and ran off to california where he hung himself. i hung my head in dissapointment but shed no tears. i wonder though... why this world is so fucked up like that. why people are driven by society, and often times thierselves... to want to leave. i have this feeling of anxiety often. they want to tell me i have a disorder. "and we have found it in 90% of the females occupying the lands near and far" oh but i say... it is human nature. we are just loco... human beings. but alas... there MUST be a cure for everything huh? <SNIP> i spare the details for i do not wish to offend my dear friend kiki i am on another ramble as always. and in repetition as well. but i have no apologies for anyone anymore. only the sweet uttering of words such as.. "take care" and "remember that although there are things you do not have... there are also things you do have." and most of all "keep your eyes open" here i am once again... rambling and sucking down cigarette after cigarette... disregarding the pain in the back of my tar-filled lungs. once again a sleepless night... for i am overwhelmed by the inclinations of my obsession for change. can't let it be .... don't want to settle... not EVER. on my lil' platform here with the microphone in front of me i tell the world everything there is to know about ME... and it is proven useless. i tell of myself because it is all i am sure of. and i hope that one would read between the lines and find that it really isn't about myself. i just incorporate it into myself... and still i say... very few see that. all the while... scratching my head... just as confused as the next person. jessica~* _________________________________________________________________ Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+