Hi all, Okay. A few things to say. I know how to write a crappy novel, that will sell millions to the readership of Cosmopolitan. How? Heres the thing: Heroine. Give her a cool name. Bryony, or Lise, or um... *thinks* Alexandra, or something like that. Read Cosmo's contributor/Editor/make up artist name thing (where it says who does what in order of rank and good looks out of ten, and how to subscribe to a magazine that tells you you need to improve cos he won't stay unless you do X, Y, and Z! ) for ideas for names. (This instantly guarantees you a review if you use a name that a member of their staff is called). Heroine is slightly dotty, hates her current job (works in something like PR, journalism, publishing, marketing, Law), mid way through book goes for a career change or at least job interviews. Some of which, she mucks up in the most outrageous fashion. If you're stuck for ideas, read any womans mag in the section where they print embarrassing true stories. (Not as good as the ones in the mens mags, but there you go. VPLs, lipstick on teeth, that sort of drivel) She either begins the novel in a bad relationship, and gets dumped for some young hot thing, or she is single and desperate. Both ideally. She also has lots of baths, shops in Whistles, and posh London places like that, but no chanel for her, please, shes a modern girl, and she needs to shop expensively, but realistically. So anything designery that Kate Moss would model is out of the Question. But no Topshop or River Island or Miss Selfridge. Constantly wishes she was 20 again. Clever, but reads glossy mags. She is in her late twenties, early thirties. Has a biological timebomb for getting married, but whines she never meets he right one. Is up to her eyeballs in overdraft and expenses. Her flat is quite messy. She can't afford the things she really wants. Gets fed up listening to posh pals afford the things she wants. Part way through, she appears on Daytime TV. Or the News. Or Crimewatch UK. Hero: successful business slick sexy man, head of his own company preferably. PR, communications, Law, whatever. It has to sound cool. And give him a good name. Bob or Dave won't do. (sorry to any Bob's and Daves, but its the way of the world.) He meets the heroine. They argue about things fiercely (setting up for explosive fireworks in bed, y'see) she does silly things in front of him (again, read embarrassing true life stories ) like she gets chatted up by some dipstick, or her knickers fall down, or both at the same time, all must be set in formal locations: offices, court rooms, restaurants, that sort of thing. He gives her various looks of confusion and "eh?!" sort of thing. She thinks for a while he fancies her, she thinks he doesn't, she thinks he fancies her again, she hates him, they shag. Her pals: one MUST be infinately prettier than anyone ever. Long legs, nice chest that sort of thing. Gods gift to blokes. Another must be all fiery and sparky and stuff and not ashamed to speak her mind, til half way through the book, she lets down her strong "men! Pah!" exterior to reveal she trully wants to settle down and have babies, shes showing her sensitive side. One pal must be extremely rich. And she has lots of extremely rich pals too, and they go pony riding, and to the gym, and on holiday with ooh... um.... which ever celebrity couple are still together when you write this. And they all go out occasionally with heroine and heroine gets drunk with them and bored. A couple of Duds: they must be either not particularly attractive or anything. Call them Bob and Dave if you must. She will go on the odd date with them. One shall brag about doing it with her (lie? optional. Probably a lie though.)the other is rich but boring. She tries hard to like them, but she can't bring herself to do it. Parents: Mum is mad, extravagant, OTT, watches too much Ricki Lake and Oprah and gets reality and TV mixed up. Dad likes pottering in the garden. Mum asks daughter when shes going to settle down, and tries to help in bizarre ways. And bang them all together, with a happy ending. Don't forget, that the hero has to perhaps educateher into being a little more reserved somehow, in what ever area shes not reserved enough in. Its a fast track success to millions. You are the NEW Helen Fielding. On the other hand, The Sunday times says that Get-Rich-Quick schemes are not good this year (horoscope thing) i.e. that whole dotcom millionaire thing is going to go down again. No gold there,apparently. Oh, and this year its fashionable to be a Scorpio or Pisces. (I don't understand where they get the logic to decide what starsign is fashionable!!) MOVING SWIFTLY ON...CONTENT THING... Oh, B+S were a question on the Big Breakfast this morning. You'll guess who, so I won't both saying "Guess who!! You'll never guess!". Yes, it was Faye from Steps. "Which Scottish indie band beat you at the 1999 Brit Awards for best newcomers?". I would have rephrased that. "Which band from Scotland, deservedly whipped your manufactured shiny plastic arses into place with the help of their computer literate fans, unlike yours who aren't old enough to read, to win the 1999 Brit Awards?" You agree? of course you do. (Mind reading is a speciality right now.) I have a headache now, cos I can read all your minds. And yes, I know exactly what one Sinisterian from Manchester is planning to do with that cucumber right now, and it isn't pretty. So I'm off to let you digest this mess. Love, Idles ===== http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/corduroysmoke we're all smoking our corduroys in our secret little b+s club- what are you doing?? __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get email at your own domain with Yahoo! 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