Oooh! It was all very exciting, wasn't it? Rachel OJ stealing that bus then driving it very slowly with a bun held to her head, while helicopters whirred in the skies above and we all watched on the telly. "I've got a bun! It's creamy, and if you come to close it'll make a dreadful mess!" I was gripped. Later, OJ was arrested for stealing a Rachel's identity, impersonating a Rachel without a licence, and riding her bike on the pavement. You must remember it. The only witness had described a nambly pambly girl in a cardigan running from the scene of the crime. Of course, when the prosecution presented the cardigan as evidence, the defence said it wasn't hers... "If the cardy don't fit, you must acquit..." It didn't fit, but the prosecution knew the cardigan had shrunk because she'd spilt tea on it during a dramatic moment in Animal Hospital. Surgeon: "Where's the rabbit gone? Quick! Fetch the tranquilliser gun! It's attacking Rolf's face!" Rolf: "Flamin' 'eck, doc! Yer great gallah! That's only me hairy beard!" They knew this because they'd seen it too and spilt their sherry. And they weren't the only ones watching Animal Hospital that night. In the house over the road, next door to the pencil shop, a girl called Rachel was watching it too. OJ knew that at 8 o'clock, after Animal Hospital had finished, Rachel would take a bath to recover from the excitement, and to wash off the perspiration caused by the sight of Rolf's furry friends. OJ snuck up the stairs while Rachel's identity was hanging on a peg outside, and stole it. Later, when the police inspected the scene of the crime all they found was a small pile of crumbs. Of course, as you know, it was the crumbs that convicted her in the end. They were also found on OJ's cardigan and were indentifed as being from the same packet of digestives. OJ had crushed one of these biscuits during an especially exciting moment on Animal Hospital. Surgeon: "Let's mend this rabbit then. Nurse, pass me the ear clamps. Can't have the bugger escaping again. Hold on where is he? Rolf?" Rolf: "No, doc, that's me beard again, yer dozy dingo." Surgeon: "I wasn't looking at your beard, Rolf. There's some ears sticking out from your shirt." Rolf: "Strewth! It's in me pouch!" Surgeon: "Oh my god! Rolf - you're a marsupial!" So OJ was knocked up, er, I mean banged up, er no I'll start again. OJ was thrown in prison for a very long time. The End* Actually I didn't understand the whole Rachel OJ thing at all. You might have noticed. BELLE AND SEBASTIAN Here you go. This is what you're looking for, after scrolling past all of that nonsense. Well it's not much, but I was glad to see that all of the writing that's ever been on the Banchory website has been revived and put together in the same place, here: http://www.banchory.net/belleandsebastian/ Click on the bus. All of the diaries are there too which can be very funny. MY NAME IS BOB Yes it is. As the Robster has said, he, Robyn and I have decided to enter our own team into the orgy of filth that is the mixtape challenge and give all those Wills, Rachels and Henrys a run for their money. If your name's Robert or Robin or Robyn, or even if you simply like to bob, you can join our team - The Bobs. Just email me and I'll tell you when the first training session is. bye Robin x *This is a rather mediocre work of fiction and resemblance to real Rachels, living or dead, is purely coincidental. _________________________________________________________________ Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+