hello sinister. i've grown too fond of chips this weekend. well, 'chips' in america, 'crisps' (i think) in the euro sectors. either way, i've eaten too many, i think, and i am starting to fear it is one of those life-long loves people sometimes develop. here at 21, i think i am destined to become one of those old women who always have some sort of chip crumb permantently affixed to the near-inner upper thigh of their purple, elastic-waist polyester pants. at least i'll get to wear comfort shoes, i suppose. *** i wrote a post about my trip. i don't think it actually sent, though i distinctly remember the 'your mail has been sent' screen. but now i have had a few days to really digest the four-day weekend escapade (whilst eating all those chips). and at the end of another weekend, i have discovered only this: i am still very, very sad. *** it was bound to be bad from the beginning, really. the whole thing always had been; even when he still lived here, things were never glorious all the time. and even after the passing of a year and his final realization that yes, he was in love with me, things weren't all wine and roses and sunbeams and thanking the lord above, etc. it was hard. and i wonder if those things are suppose to be hard. love, after all, is such an easy thing to say. it shouldn't be so hard to do, right? but there i was in southern california, so close to the ocean that i was walking in a perpetual fog for four days. and that's probably fitting, really. because i still don't know if i really know what happened there, or why. i don't know who i was or who he was. i only know that on the last night i ended up crying into a cup of terrible tea made by a lovely man named jose. and i cried because i didn't like his tea. or my tea. or whatever tea i was being offered. *** i wonder sometimes why, when you realize something has reached the very tip of its end, it feels as though it never really happened at all. and you wish it hadn't really happened at all. you don't want to suddenly notice you've spent an enormous amount of time and energy trying to bask in a half-glory of something that may have never really existed. but what if that's it? what if that's all you get? and you throw it away because of something that should be so trivial as distance? what happens when you think, in spite of what you know and what everyone you know tells you, you are all loved up? i said i was going to california to get my heart back. so i could give it away again, presumably. but i came back home minus just as much heart as i was missing when i left. and i tried to get it back. i tried to, whatever, swallow it all while i was there. but i ended up choking. i spent a lot of time there alone. i tried, and am still trying, to believe that i am happy that he is the one who holds so much of me. and will. i don't know if i can convince myself that i am happy with that. i don't know if i can convince myself that i am happy at all. and this is no cry for attention or need for an outpouring of love and support in the manner of "lindsey, of course someone will love you again" commentary. it's just me wondering why, when a person just folds around pain, the world does not also do so. it would make more sense, i think. and what poetic fodder, too. all that pain at the center, like the roundest, coldest, hardest pearl you ever touched. xo.lou. ===== www.somewhereinbetween.net __________________________________ Do you Yahoo!? Exclusive Video Premiere - Britney Spears http://launch.yahoo.com/promos/britneyspears/ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+