I've recieved literally thousands of complaints (mostly from girls) about my treatment of Kevan Cooke. I admit it, I was wrong, and I apologise. It's not that I don't think Kevan is immature, I do, but I wholeheartedly approve of his immaturity, and hope to be able to compare fat slugs with him outside that chalet window at Camber Sands. I was just using Kevan as a cheap ploy to get the girls to spill the beans about, you know, IT. Sadly all we've got so far is a pile of boys' opinions on the matter. Not the original intention. I haven't received any complaints really, but I wouldn't be surprised if

Dear all, I sent this to the list from a different address (birds, eh?) and got a nice automatic message back from The Honey Band telling me how what I was in the nursery and wasn't allowed to join in. I was tempted to leave it at that, but this seemed like a God given opportunity to say: Andrew wrote: my mom masturbates. i found a vibrator under her bed a number of years ago. maybe she doesn't want all these people knowing, but i'm not ashamed. I'm outing my mom (beverly) as a masturbator. Stand proud, Beverly! and then wrote: that's all! hello to all my sinister friends. you're all invited over for dinner if you ever make it out to san francisco! Just how big is your kitchen, Andrew? Your mother will think we all smile a lot. I wrote: there's

been grumbling in certain quarters.

Isn't "Ceremony" a New Order cover of a Joy Division song? If so, it doesn't matter whether Tigermilk is at the front or the back of your B&S collection, but it must be upside down and back to front.

Yesterday I saw a Blur video with a little milk carton in it.

One of my favourite people in the world is/was Joaquin Rodrigo, the composer. I wasn't very upset when he died the other week, mainly because I thought he was dead already. There are two reasons why I like Rodrigo. Firstly, because he was blind, and he wrote some music for James Galway, who was in a wheelchair at the time, and when James Galway went to see Rodrigo, who was sitting sightlessly at his piano waitng for him, James Galway ploughed into him in his wheelchair by accident. This is also the reason I like James Galway. Secondly, Rodrigo's beautiful Concierto de Aranjuez was apparently inspired by the unfortunate death of his baby daughter (I think). At the end of the second movement (the famous "duh-duh-duh" bit), you can hear some ascending notes which are meant to represent the baby's soul going up to Heaven. I got all this from a television documentary, and I've probably remembered it wrong, because most people seem to think it's about a walk in the park. I offer this as a footnote to the great Love debate on the list, and as my entry to Trousers' sad songs competition.

So, Will, did you get your end away on that boat, or what? Did you manage to WEIGH ANCHOR or was there NO PORT IN THE STORM, leaving you unable to HOIST THE JOLLY ROGER, practically RUDDERLESS, alone with MIDSHIPMAN PERCY on a storm-TOSSED sea at the mercy of REAR ADMIRAL BACKPASSAGE and his WHITBREAD ROUND THE WORLD YACHT RACE?

Sister Disco

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