BELLEND SEBASTIAN IN "MAD LINT" SHOCKER! Starring: all of the band, some DRUGS, and some smells. One day Richard Colburn, the shopping trolley king of Safeways has a mad idea. "What if!", he thought, "Instead of just sitting in our bedrooms this Friday night watching taped episodes of Scrapheap Challenge, we decided to GO OUT AND TAKE SHIT LOADS OF DRUGS?". He thought this was a masterpiece of intellectual thought, and picked up the telephone and dialed the hotline to his only friends, members of "Bellend Sebastian". Somewhere sat in front of an organ, wearing a cape made by Geoff Capes, was Chrish Geddesh. Unknown to naive Richard, Chrish had been a fan of the old Wacky Backy for a long time. So when Richard called, Chrish was far too stoned to hear the phone ring. And thus he just continued sitting in his chair. Half an hour later, he fell off it, and giggled. Lucky for Richard then, that all the other Belles were in. "Hey Gang!", Richard exclaimed, "lets go out and do shitloads of drugs and get langered!". The band looked at each other in shock. Then they looked at Chris lying on the floor giggling and decided in unison, "YEAH! DRUGS ARE COOL!", and rushed out of the house immediately. At this point I should let you know that Stevie Jackon was wearing a monkey suit. I don't know why. But I like the image. After listening to the Magnetic Fields album "Holiday", because its BLUDDY GRATE, the Belles rush out to Hip and Happening Embra Nitespot, "B-Movie Themes, Spun By WHO! else but SuperStar DJ Keef Watson" and all look at each other. "NO!", burts out cracking top lass Sarah, "we do this every night, just stare at each other in some kind of wierd lustfilled but nothing ever happens scenario, aren't we supposed to like um..."..Sarah stopped, her voice trailing off as she caught the eye of Stuart Murdoch. "Bloody hell", thought Isobel Campbell, "aren't we supposed to be taking DRUGS?". Mick Cookeface, who unknown to Isobel was in fact one of those psychic mind-reading tarot card believing freaks, nodded and strode off purposefully towards the nearest person who looked like they could be a drug dealer. "Excuse me sir", Mick stuttered feebly, "This is the first time I've ever left the cosy and comforting thatched cottage in which I live, and I want to get shitloads of drugs for me and my pop pals to take. Can you help me?". The Evil Drug Dealer Who Is WICKED and BAD grinned evily. "Of course my young delicious eligible bachelor, helping people is my role in life. What drugs exactly would you be after?". Mick just gazed at him blankly. "Just, drug drugs, really. You mean there are different sorts?". The Evil Drug Dealer giggled his little arse off and ran away. "This should be funny", he thought to himself. Mick, who was still reading his mind at the time was perplexed. Why on earth would us taking drugs be funny? I'll tell you why, says the drug dealer. This is the easiest deal I've ever made. Apart from a few of the band who I know regulary like to "toke it", the others are completely useless bimbling imbeciles who, hey, I'm quite fond of anyway. "Aahahaha, hahahahaha,. hahahhaa" he giggled, as he emptied the clus vacumm cleaner bags full of the most potent drug ever.....LINT. The band were getting bored. "Ah, I've had enough of this", said monkey suit clad Stevie Jackson. "I'm going for some beer", and strode off to the bar. Two seconds later, a grinning Mick returned. "Hey dudes!", he said (having unwittingly turned into a bleached blond californian tosswit), "look! I bought some drugs! The dealer said they should be 'funny', so they must be ace!". "Hooray", said the band in moderate excitement. And as one, they all headed off to the toilets together.....together...together.... (that was where the voice was supposed to echo and we have a little fade out thing). Cut to next morning, a cinema verité interview with a toilet attendant. TA: "So they all walked into the toilet cubicle, luckily its a bit like the tardis once you get in, a Scottish thing I reckon, and I heard all these funny sniffing sounds. So I assumed they all had colds. I was just about to get them some tissues to wipe their snotty noses with, when I heard giggles. Oh no, more bluddy druggies I thought. Not that they looked the type. Then I heard this wild tormented cry of "Argh! Eek! My head is exploding and my nose tickles!". Then I heard another cry from the frail voiced one with a triangular-ish face going "Argh! Eek! I shoved it up my arse!", followed by quite disgusting farty noises. Then this guy in a monkey suit strode in, going "so wheres the drugs hep cats?". He made a strangled noise upon reaching the cubicle, and then beat a hasty retreat. Then I decided I would have a look. And lying on the floor were lots of dead people. Covered in a mixture of lint, and space dust. One was Scotlands 48th most eligible bachelor according to Daily Mail readers, and the others looked like Students who needed some food inside them. Its still beyond me how they managed to OD on lint. Stupid." Moral of the story....um...I dunno, I'm bored now. I'm off to do some gardening in a middle class suburb now, probably involving a disgusting mosaic by some middle aged retired woman who thinks she's "arty". Vile. Charlie Dimmock. ____________________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get your free @yahoo.co.uk address at http://mail.yahoo.co.uk or your free @yahoo.ie address at http://mail.yahoo.ie +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the reborn Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail "sinister@majordomo.net". To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to "majordomo@majordomo.net". 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