hello hello hello hello i've really scared myself today, i very nearly hopped on a train to glasgow an hour ago for no apparent reason. i got in the queue for tickets and everything...luckily just as there was only two people in front of me i managed to turn round, walk out of the station and sit on the steps. had a couple of cigarettes to try calm myself down, but i was still shaking as i got on the bus back home. i only went down there to renew my railcard and cos i needed to get out the house. i've done it once before. i was 13 at the time, and the year i was 13 has to be the worst of my (admittedly rather short) life. one day i just couldn't handle it anymore. i'd been skipping school regularly for months just to wander about and i wandered down to the station and got on a train to manchester. i honestly believed i was never coming back. the scary thing was it was so easy just to go. except for the fact that i went end of january and it was fucking freezing, so come about half ten that night i went back home again. since then i've always suppressed most impulse actions, so i thought i'd kind of grown out of it a bit. i hoped i had, cos it frightens me what i can do on impulse. that's why i've been a nervous wreck since i got home, and i just needed to write it down to clear my head. it's not like i'm even particularly unhappy at the moment, in fact i'm enjoying most things right now. i just don't understand why i keep wanting to pack it all in. i'm not even interested in travelling. all my mates are on about going to thailand and africa and australia for the year before they go to uni, but it doesn't even slightly appeal to me. i just fancy a change of co-op. i might even go for tesco's. anyway, i'm calmer now. sarah said about queer as folk 2:

Wow. It gets no better. Hopefully the lesbians won't be in it so much this time. And we get more STUART'N'VINCE.

yay! stuart&vince, stuart&vince!! it's not often that screen couples have just so much chemistry and are so, what's the word? easy to empathise with that all the time you're watching them you're just willing them on, and can't possibly miss anything, any little look or gesture (maybe this merely displays how utterly useless i am at relationships that i get so involved in those of fictional characters...). the only truly fantastic couples i can think of who were absolutely compulsory viewing are elizabeth and mr darcy (pride & prejudice) and anna&miles (this life). but stuart&vince are the ultimate. i hope they never actually get together though, the unrequited love has gone on too long for it to work (why? why am i seriously debating an imaginary relationship? i am sooo sad...) but i'd like to be proved wrong, for vince's sake. ooh, just want to say thank you to everyone who's been telling me about michael and john head and pale fountains. cos of what happened at the station i never made it to hmv today, but i will be going for a bit of a hunt at the weekend. something else is bothering me too, but i'm not sure how to say it without sounding a bit bitchy. oh what the hell. i've been listening to the bowlie tape, and although i'm assuming that there were other songs done, i'm worried by the fact that the only songs i hadn't heard were non-struan songs. and all the whisperings coming out of the b&s camp is that almost everyone's written stuff for the new album. has previously undiscovered writing talent suddenly made itself known or is struan going through a bit of a bad patch and the rest of the band are carrying him or what? i'm not dissing everyone else's songwriting abilities here cos i really do like all the songs that aren't stu m, but it was the mighty murdoch's songs i fell in love with y'know, so i'm a bit panicky. especially now that stuart david has left the band. i know the general feeling on the list seems to be one of 'it's for the best' and obviously there'll still be looper, and that's A Good Thing, but i can't help feeling it's a loss that could really make itself felt. maybe i worry too much. i hope so. on that rather depressing note i'm off. lovin' and leavin' you all my sweetpeas rachel xxx +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the undead Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "tech-heads and students" +-+ +-+ "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list" +-+ +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +----------------------------------------------------------------------+