There is me. I'm lying on a tan corduroy sofa, in a little white summer dress with a picture of an exotic sunset with a yacht across the chest. it has capped sleeves and a thin white pvc belt. My mum is huge and fat and I am an only child for another few weeks. Its a balmy summer day in August 1981, and I have a box wrapped in Snoopy paper on my lap. I want the snoopy paper. I'm not too fussed about the gift inside. I trace my eyes over the snoopy paper, and look at the cartoons. I like snoopy - hes a dog and I like dogs. Its for Scott Thomas. He's my best friend, although only in the mornings. In the afternoons, he and Claire Clarkin push me over in the street, and make star formations in Scotts drive way to stop me getting into his garden to play. I told his mum and he never did it again. If you look closely, you can see that right at this moment, I don't want to go to the party. I want to keep the snoopy paper. I don't care if there is parcel the parcel (what I call pass the parcel) and musical chairs. I want to stay here. ****************************************************** Its 1995. A week into the new spring term at school. I'm in my trainers and jacket, and waiting for my dad. I'm sitting on the steps into the sunken living room. I'm looking to the window, and dreading the day ahead at school. The smart girls pick on me. I have no friends. If I ask a question, I'm stupid. If I answer a question, I'm teachers pet. There are tears forming in my eyes. Nobody knows why. But I'm about to let go, and start sobbing, tell my parents everything and change the path of my entire life. ****************************************************** Its 2003. I'm sitting on the train. I'm looking out the window, but you just see me pressing my forehead against the reflection on the dark glass. The snow out on the embankment is looking beautiful in the darkness, the orange gauze of streetlamps and the white glow of the moonlight. I'm trying hard to concerntrate, and see if I can see the shape of the windows from the light cast from the carriage onto the white ground outside. I'm trying to see if I can see the shape of the pillars of metal casting a shadow. But look closely, and my breathing is deep, and parted in deep intakes of a heavy heart. My eyes look glazed and shiny, and I'm putting all my effort into not drawing attention to myself from the other passengers. I want to call someone but I don't know who. I want to say something, but I don't know what. On the outside I'm still wearing the same smile, the same mask, but on the inside I feel I'm half the woman I was six months ago. Its today. Its this evening. Tomorrow is doomsday. I'm praying to whoever there might be, that history will repeat itself in my favour again, and this is not the time when all my heartfelt belief in karma and fairness and justice turn their back on me when I need the courage to rise inside me to face up to other things. Other people. ****************************************************** Bully (n)(pl. bullies): a person who intimidates or frightens weaker people. - The Oxford English Dictionary. love, idles x ===== http://groups.yahoo.com/group/corduroysmoke/ starting playground gossip and passing notes __________________________________________________ Do you Yahoo!? Yahoo! Mail Plus - Powerful. Affordable. Sign up now. http://mailplus.yahoo.com +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+