i don't know what has been wrong with my brain lately. its playing tricks. my own mind is playing mind games with me. life could be better, it could be worse. i may be going on a wild adventure in the next couple of months. i think i am going to go to Fiji... for 2-3 weeks... to build houses for single mothers with the Global Village program. i need the challenge, i need to feel like i'm doing something to help people besides myself. but when i come back, i will have no $$ and no job. its a toss-up. there is this guy that i used to like so much. more than i should have. he would do this emotional power-wielding thing, run linguistic circles around me. i know that he didn't like me, at least not *that* way. and the truth of the matter is, the more i got to know him, the less i liked. but i feel guilt about that. i feel like i should have been rendered speechless and jello-legged by his wit and sophistication. and the amounts of money he would spend on me. but in the end, i wasn't. when i first met him i thought he was nice enough, cool to talk to, hip-style, and seemed genuinely interested in what i had to say. but as much as he would throw the word "friendship" around, we never got there. he would never talk, disclose, reciprocate...just listen. it started to scare me. i don't know why he didn't trust me. then the bizarre comments started, things i would think about for days afterward, trying to decipher. i got bad vibes, i thought about him too much! i think we realized that we didn't actually LIKE each other around the same time, and now.. well. the last time i saw him his behavior left a lot to be desired. it makes me so SAD!! i just want to cry, i have no idea why. i used to want to just take his hand. but he was so...cold. i'm sure it seems silly to everyone, including you. but at one point i liked him SO much, and then... its not even worth the time and energy i put into thinking about it, or writing this. it just makes me feel so... sad. i guess its good in a way, that i met him and all. it made me realize what i really want, and what i will do or put up with for other people...and it ain't much. call me a bitch! see if i care!! like Archel, i'm embracing my inner bitch. she has better judgement than i do. ;) this is called closure, or so i've heard. for anyone who's gotten this far... go out and play!! its nice outside! spending all the rent on my decline, christa +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the reborn Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail "sinister@majordomo.net". To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to "majordomo@majordomo.net". WWW: http://www.majordomo.net/sinister +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "tech-heads and students" +-+ +-+ "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list" +-+ +-+ "jelly-filled danishes" +-+ +----------------------------------------------------------------------+